I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so fat.

There aren't words to describe.

Someday I might fly away.

Today I ate:
-1 slice of cheese pizza (grease blotted with a napkin)
-1/2 a Caesar salad (Romaine and croutons with parmesan cheese, no dressing)
-1 baked potato
-2 tablespoons of butter
-2 pieces of some brown bread
-1 bottle of Spite
-12-15 Godiva chocolates
-1 bag (3.1 oz) of Hello Kitty Jelly Bellys


Way too fucking much.
Went shopping today. Got a new bag, new makeup bag, new bathing suit. Bleh. Got a stuffed manatee at the place we went to dinner.
I love stuffed animals. They make me so happy.

I want more shells. I'll have to actually go to the beach tomorrow to get some. It's my last day here.
I wish we could stay longer. I like the sun. I like the warm. I like the sound of the waves and how the sand feels between my toes.

I'm better today.

I went for a long walk on the beach with my cousin. We found shells. My hair looks awesome in the salt humidity.
I did a thirty minute workout today. Which is, as usual, pathetic, but better than none. 20 minutes cardio and 10 minutes of weights and crunches.

I'm fat.

Before and after thinspo is my favorite.

I just want to be thin.

Is that really so much to ask?

I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my hair falls out or my skin flakes or my nails turn blue or my teeth rot or my bones break or my period stops or my esophagus tears. I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my stomach growls for days on end or my throat burns from shoving my fingers down it. I want to be thin so badly that I would do anything.

Anything.

I want to be thin so my dad will stop looking at me with disappointment. I want to be thin so I can get dressed without having to change five times because my clothes don't fit or my legs/stomach/arms/face/teeth look fat. I want to be thin so I can disappear.


I want to disappear.

This is the worst vacation I've ever been on.

And I just want to go home.
I don't


I can't even write this down right now.


I'm going to go cry for a bit. Then maybe I'll be able to write something worthwhile.

I hate his fucking girlfriend.

She's so skinny. I want to be her.


Not to be his girlfriend. I want to be her so I can be skinny.

Ultimately... pissed.

So the guy I've been hooking up with, who I will probably continue hooking up with for as long as I hang out with him and he works with me (we've only hooked up three times since early August), has this girlfriend.
And facially, she's not that pretty.
And I definitely have better hair than her.
But she's so skinny. And I hate her for it.


I'm going to be skinnier than her. Way skinnier.


Also, I just found out that the two acne cysts that have in the past two days formed on my chin could be a direct result from drinking too much milk. I love milk. :( This makes me really sad.

I am a terrible person.

But I really don't care. :)

I know it's sad and makes me an awful human being...

But I get an odd sense of satisfaction posting anonymous hate in my bitchy crazy roommate's Tumblr mailbox.

Why I Drink Vodka.

1. "No, this is water!"
2. It tastes like something other than horse piss (ahem, beer).
3. I'm not a lightweight. I need strong alcohol content to get me even slightly tipsy.
4. Flavors.
5. The warm feeling after a shot.

Freshman Finals

I'm going through my first set of finals at college right now... I have one exam today, and two exams and a performance project tomorrow. Then I'm done. And oh my God, I can't wait to go home.
I know when I go home, I say I can't wait to leave... I don't like BEING home... But I like going home. It's comforting, and all my food is paid for, and I have a car, and there's no one telling me that I should go out drinking the weekend before exams (I didn't).

Right now, I weigh 184.6, after one full week of not purging, and two straight mornings of running. I should clarify, it's not exactly running. It's more of a run-until-I-can't-breathe then walk then do the run thing again. I go from my res hall to one of the academic buildings and back, it's approximately one mile. I'm getting sick too, which sucks.
I've been eating relatively normal meals.. I make it to breakfast every day, eat hash browns and scrambled eggs and usually some fruit. I want grapefruit so bad.. And cherries... And strawberries... That's another thing I like about going home. There's fruit and I can eat it and it doesn't sit in my minifridge and go bad because I don't feel like washing dishes.

So yeah. That's my life.

Thank you guys so much for your amazing comments. I love you all.
Oh, and @Ever; I looked up the poem you told me about... Fell in love. I was bawling for a good ten minutes. Thank you.

One of the girls on my floor told me today

That my legs looked really skinny.
And I know she was just talking about my calves, which are utterly disproportionately smaller than the rest of my body.
But it made me feel a little good. A little.

Something that's happened in college.

I like getting up early. I really do. I like going to bed early, I like waking up early, I like going out for a run at 6:00 AM, when campus is asleep.

I really like it.

Woke up at six to go run today. It is now 6:55, and I need to go take a shower before class.
This is my life.

One day at a time.

Didn't purge yesterday. Thank you for your encouragement!

Today, it's 1:54 p.m., and I've had a bag of peanut M&Ms and a bag of Baked Lays Cheddar and Sour Cream.

That's it though. I'm refusing to go to dinner, especially since I might be cheering in the spring. I don't want to be fat in a uniform. Especially because it's competition team.

Trying so hard not to throw up dinner.

But the porcelain bowl is calling me.

I've been good today.

Well, not good, but I haven't purged.

My fingers have become too well-acquainted with my tonsils.

@Rachel and @Lost in Space; Thank you so much. I honestly don't know where I would be without you, without everyone on here. Probably with my head in the toilet, let's be honest.

I can't even cry anymore.

Any emotion I have just comes out as vomit.

So, if I'm the prettiest fucking girl on campus, why does the only guy I want fucking hate me?


Sorry. I'm a little bit still drunk right now.
I hate compliments.
I hate them.
I know they're fake.

I've lost EIGHT pounds since Tuesday.

Even after a massive binge last night, I managed to stay at 183.4. I've almost lost ten pounds in a week. My hands are shaky, my stomach's growly.
I even managed to pull one over on my friend. That means I tricked her. Hahaha.
I wasn't eating much at dinner, and I told her that I'd been getting sick from everything I ate (which is true, everything I don't purge I've been having terrible diarrhea from). But we were going out drinking, so I scarfed down one and a half rolls, a baked potato, mounds of butter, eight or nine bites of this incredible chocolate cake, two cups of apple cider, four or five cheese cubes, an apple, and a strawberry.
Then I felt incredibly sick, so I went to the public restroom and purged.

Gotta say, nothing is more paranoia-inducing than sticking your fingers down your throat in a public bathroom.

So then, my stomach was empty. I went back to my room to get ready to go out.
Went to her room when I was ready, bottle of mango vodka and diet Sprite half empty. Had one and three quarters pieces of cheese, three Triscuits, and then we were off, with blue raspberry vodka, having finished the mango. Got drunk, ate Dominos, threw up Dominos, raided the vending machine, ate one Milky Way, Peanut M&Ms, sour cream and onion Lays, Swedish Fish, and Twix. Went to bed with a full stomach, slept until 2.
Woke up at the same weight post-Dominos puke. Rejoiced.


Now, it's 7:35 pm, I need to take a shower to get ready for tonight. I already purged dinner, so I'm comfortably empty. I'll grab some Triscuits just so I don't get completely fucking wasted.

I've purged nine times since Sunday.
This is getting out of hand.

Also, I've been reading entries from my old blog, Broken Mirrors.


Fuck. Two years ago, when I started this shit... I was funny. I could write cohesive sentences and entries. And people enjoyed them.
What the fuck happened?

Friends.

I was in the car with my best stoner friend, and we were talking. And somehow we got talking about personal issues.
I told her about how I starved myself down 30 pounds, then how I started purging, and she told me about her suicide attempts.

She told me that she'd never been able to purge, and that she was a little jealous, because she doesn't have a gag reflex.


That made me feel superior in some sick way.

I feel absolutely disgusting. Lots of swear words.

I purged twice today, and the purge-hangover has officially commenced. I had one yesterday too. And all I want to do is go to sleep and wake up lighter but I have a fucking reflection to write about the show I was in. WHY DO I HAVE TO RELFECT? WASN'T EIGHT SHOWS ENOUGH FUCKING WORK?

Guess not. Nothing I ever do is enough.
Down to 187.something as of ten minutes ago.
Woke up at 189.4.

Fucking water weight that I lose purging.

Candy cane vomit...

Is not as fun as it sounds.
Because little bits of candy cane are still in your stomach and haven't dissolved. They come up a little scratchy, but that's not the bad part.
The bad part is having to reach in the toilet to scrape off those bits because they stuck to the bottom of the bowl, and you can't just leave it there, because then your cover is blown, because you're the only one on the floor with those little multicolored cherry candy canes.

Not to mention your roommate just watched you eat the whole box.

Feeling better.

A lot of people I follow have been blogging about recent suicide attempts.
And it's so painful to see people I care about (even though I'm very bad about commenting) hurt so badly. And I want to say something deep and meaningful here, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm usually this way about emotional things.
So pretend I said something meaningful that made you cry.

On a brighter note, if I can refrain from eating until I go to sleep, I'll be at 500 calories for the day. Still too much.


Also, the girl who constantly talks about her eating disorder just tweeted this:
"Just got 40 chicken nuggets, 2 medium fries, and 2 root beers. #ohmygod #illnevereatagain"


You're ridiculous, miss.

Sometimes your apathy hits a point you can't control.


And you start to feel again.

I'm working on it.

So this weekend, I was really horny.
Friday, my camp friends and I went to my camp on the same lake to party. I got really a little bit drunk (mango vodka equals delicious). And this guy that I work at camp with (who I hooked up with twice over the summer) was also really a little bit drunk. And so we proceeded to hook up again. And this time, because I've decided to be entirely apathetic about everything, it was really fucking fun. I gave my first ever blowjob. Which wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. And as we're making out, before I even sucked his dick, he goes does my neck and chest and tummy (ew, but whatever), and a little bit further, and he whispers "Do you want me to eat you out?"

UM, FUCK YEAH I DO. Whenever a guy offers to eat you out, that's how you know he's a keeper, whether it's as a boyfriend or a husband or just a fuck buddy like I've decided me and him are gonna be.

But I had to say no, because of my fucking bleeding vagina.
But never fear: I'm having another party over winter break. And I got some nice colorful condoms for free from my dorm bathroom (gotta love college). I think I'll use the green one. It's cute. :)

So I'm doing my best to eat as little as possible before break (December 15). I want to be like... 170ish? I woke up today at 189, in clothes. I think I can do it. I think I've been retaining a lot of water lately, so maybe it'll go quick. It all depends on my not stuffing food into my mouth, which I think can easily be accomplished.

I want to have the party and have my friends look at me and say, "Have you lost weight?"



Also, my new fuck buddy's girlfriend is about 100 pounds.
I don't really understand why he's into me at all.

I ate pepperoni today.

Vegetarian?

But I threw it up.
So that's alright.

FUCKING MENSTRUAL CYCLE

Prevented me from losing my virginity last night.

OCCUPY THE UTERUS.





Still a fat pig, but my friend from this summer still wants to fuck me so, good.
That is all.

Can't wait for tonight.

So the whole, "not eating the whole time I'm here thing" didn't work out. I don't understand, my mom lectures me about what I eat and then goes, "Hey, let's go get breakfast tomorrow!" "Let's make pizzas for dinner!" "Here, I forgot to make you asparagus or vegetarian stuffing, so you can just eat mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner."


Cooooool.

But tonight is the annual party for staff from my camp, and it's always a lot of fun. And after, my group of friends is going to go to camp and smoke weed and drink and eat cookies and cherry pie. Yum. :)

Comments:
@Shauna: The negativity can really drag you down. The reason my goal weight is not 140 is because to me, 140 is not ethereal. Not even close. And I don't want to be 140. I want to be ethereal. Also, because 140 is so close to my old weight, before I gained the Freshman 15. I've been close to 140, and it's not where I want to be,

@Lost in Space: Yeah. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my home environment is more toxic than anyone really realizes. How am I supposed to feel when my dad complains about his weight and about my weight, then eats potato chips right in front of me? How am I supposed to feel when my mom is trying on clothes and holding her stomach because she thinks she doesn't look good? I mean, granted, both my parents are in fact overweight, but still....

I cannot fucking BELIEVE these people.

My fucking parents. I haven't been home more than two hours, and they're already bitching at me about my weight.

Yes, I know I've gained weight, thanks for fucking pointing it out to me.
Why is it that when I lose thirty pounds STARVING myself, I get patted on the back, but when I gain twenty pounds, all of a sudden, I have a problem.
The double fucking standards in this household. When my dad starves himself on his stupid triathlon diets, he's high and mighty. He's the epitome of health. And then he gains all that damn weight back.


Well congratulations, assholes. I won't be eating for the rest of the time I'm here.

Broke as fuck.

This is kind of a good thing, because it means I can't buy food.
This is kind of a bad thing, because it means I can't buy weed or pretty things. Or weed.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I love you.
@Ever; Anonymous ranting accounts don't bother me. This is an anonymous ranting account. My real name isn't Charlie. My real name isn't even close to Charlie. But when people who know the person in real life can see everything that person is writing, I start to question that person's validity.

Third show is today and my skin is a mess. I can't even wash my face without it burning. But I'm going to be late, so this has to be a short post.
My weight is edging close to 200 pounds... This is really scary. And nothing I do seems to be working. Find the willpower, find the willpower...

I'm getting really sick of this.

Every time I go on Twitter...

"I didn't eat for three days, so my dad bought me McDonalds. #idontwantthis"

"Wake up, think of you, think of me, vomit."

"It's like self-induced mono."

"Going to go read Wintergirls so I don't go where I'm headed."

Shut the fuck up! I don't want to generalize eating disorders, because I know they come in all shapes and sizes, but the common thread between nearly all of them is SECRECY. Eating disordered people nearly always suffer in silence.

Enough ranting.

I haven't eaten anything yet today, but then again, I've only been awake for a few hours. I'll probably have some semblance of dinner.

Yesterday I purged twice, in the span of thirty minutes. It was real cute.

Today, I haven't eaten. I thought I was going to pass out yesterday. It was odd. I smelled/tasted menthol, and everything got quite spinny.

But let's be honest, I've been eating far too much and am way too fat to be passing out.

This may sound a bit hypocritical...

So I'm sorry.

But no actually eating disordered person is going to tweet about their eating disorder on their personal Twitter. It makes me doubt your issues. It makes me think that your main issue is your pathetically desperate cry for attention.

I wish I lived in a house.

Eating. Food. Living.

It would all be so much easier.

Instead it's all shit.

I've officially hit my highest weight ever. I don't think I'll post it here because I'm way too embarrassed.

None of my clothes fit anymore.

My room is a disheveled mess of clothes and food and garbage and candy wrappers and water bottles.

I've had this chest cold for three weeks, and I'm still hacking up phlegm every morning because I've been smoking so many herbal cigarettes and weed.

I can barely sing, due to aforementioned chest cold.

I'm absolutely stone-cold broke.

College is shit.

But college is amazing. See, no one asks if I've eaten. Or why I'm not going to lunch. Because everyone has different schedules, so they all assume that you're busy or you've eaten.

I slept eighteen hours yesterday. Eighteen hours got my weight down about five or six pounds.

And I've eaten a lot already.

And I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow..."

And someday, tomorrow will become today.

I've been crocheting a lot lately. I have three blankets in progress and a completed hat that is extremely small. And a completed ear warmer that could probably fit a small child.

Everything is always too small.

Or maybe I'm too big...

29 Days

29 days to lose 20 pounds.
Fuck.


Liquid fasting today. We'll see how that goes. Beerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeer.

She read my things.

She READ my THINGS.

THINGS THAT I HAD THROWN AWAY.
She left them in a drawer with a note attached.
"Binge-Purge? We need to talk."


WHY THE HELL DID YOU READ MY THINGS YOU FUCKING CUNT. You are the worst excuse for a mother anyone could ever ask for.

I knew going away was a bad fucking idea and I knew she would snoop through my stuff. Thank God I hid the most of it in my closet. I need new hiding places.
Now I understand why she made such a big deal out of making a "special healthy dinner with foods I liked"


Just for that, I'm not eating anything tomorrow.
Stupid fucking bitch.

I've eaten less today than I have in the past two weeks.
I've still eaten too much.
I want to eat more.

My Roommate.

Direct quote from her blog. 

"So I’m sitting indoors with a coat on because I’m always cold.

I’m always cold because I have zero insulation.

I have zero insulation because I’m one of those skinny bitches everyone hates :D

This Marilyn Monroe thing I’ve been working on for comp has been seriously not good for my self esteem. She was like a size 8 and everyone is like “wow its so great that she’s a size 8 and she was so beautiful and omg girls today are skinny and trashy”

I’m a size 3… I can’t help it.

TL;DR Marilyn Monroe makes me feel bad about myself because I’m thin."

I'm sorry. I have no pity for you, you egotistical bitch.

Tomorrows.

We always use tomorrow. We overuse it.
"Oh, I'll take care of that tomorrow, it can wait." "I messed up today, I'll start again tomorrow."

Fuck tomorrow. Tomorrow might not come for you. All you know you have is today, and honestly, you can't even be 100% sure you have all of today. You only have the moment you're living in, it's all you can really be sure of.
Although, thanks to The Matrix, we can't even really be sure of that anymore...


So, FUCK tomorrows and excuses. Start today.

Start now.


(Now, let's watch Charlie fail to follow her own advice)

Fresh Start (stretch marks)

I have six new stretch marks. On my tummy. From GAINING WEIGHT. At college.

So, now it's time to get serious. I'm going to start tomorrow with a fruit-fast, probably just apples, as I just bought a whole bunch of Ginger Gold apples (these are literally the best kind of apples I've ever had in my entire life).
So tomorrow is Apple-Fast.
Then the next day, I'm going to try to keep it around 800? Preferably lower, but I've been eating so much lately...
It's really hard having an unlimited meal plan, because I feel like I have to go to the Commons (our food-place) every day to get my money's worth.
Fuck you, parents.
Upper Middle Class Problems, hah.

Now, please excuse me, as I write an essay that's due in about seven hours.

Here's the thing, Roommate.

YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING TALK RIGHT WHEN I WAKE UP. ONCE YOU SEE MY EYES OPEN DOES NOT GIVE YOU FREE RANGE TO RATTLE YOUR MOUTH.

Also, please stop slamming your damn drawers while I try to sleep.

This ALWAYS happens.

I swear to God.

Every single time I meet a guy or possibly like him, he meets my friends and then any chance I had is gone.
I figured it wouldn't happen as much in college...
Apparently not.


Every single guy I meet becomes obsessed with my pink-haired roommate.
And yeah, I guess she's pretty.
But she's awkward and talking to her is kind of uncomfortable, and she really only cares about herself and her problems.


Fuck. I mean, I know I'm a self-centered bastard, but when people are and can't admit it...

She even made a blog about these guys that are obsessed with her.
Ridiculous.


I'm just going to give up on life and friends and being happy. Maybe if I'm skinny, all those things will happen.

I hate being That Girl.

The one who is fun for a drunk hookup.
The one who you regret the morning after.
The one who gets shafted when you find a prettier girl.
The one who pretends like it doesn't bother her.
The one who is

Completely alone.

I have a new Tumblr, documenting a new event in my life.

http://trueconfessionsofachocoholic.tumblr.com/

I love you. Follow me. <3

I feel like a monster.

I've started a food journal, because I've been eating way too fucking much. 

"The secret side of me, I never let you see

I keep it caged but I can't control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it."

And I've purged more in the past two weeks than I did all summer. I'm really not very happy with this whole guy situation. 

The guy that is from my hometown, who I got drunk and high with and made out with has literally not talked to me since. I'm trying to decide if he's scared of me or just an asshole.

I don't want to think he's an asshole, because I really do think he's nice.

Maybe he thinks that I want something more and he doesn't.

Well, I don't. We can still be friends, jerk.

"I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster."

On another note, I love pistachios. I've been eating pistachios and Fun Dip for the past week compulsively. My friends don't understand. I think it's the whole need-for-taste thing. You know, that Marya Hornbacher talks about in "Wasted"? Like pure salt, pure sugar, etc.

Whatever.

Lyrics are from "Monster" by Skillet.

I told another friend.

Today. he told me, "Just don't let it get in the way of me or anyone else being able to see you."


So, I can do whatever I want?
Cool beans.

Today, in college, I ate...

Way too much.

-2 slices of pizza
-2 cookies
-1 can of Spaghetti-Os
-1 bowl of Easy Mac
-1 smoothie
-5 ice pops


And I'm about to go get chocolate from the vending machine.


Woo, fatass.


Maybe try fasting tomorrow. I have a callback for the musical, I hope I get a part so bad.

Maybe if I weren't so fat.

I had a fantastic fucking time last night.

Went to a party. Had some beer. Made out with one of my new friends. Went and smoked. Made out with him again.
Came back to substance-free housing.
Went to sleep.


Would've been nice if he'd walked me home.
He tried. Said it was "the right thing to do."

I said, "Fuck that. Don't just do something because it's the right thing to do. Go back to your room. Go to bed."


So he did. And I did.

And it was a good night.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 cup of coffee with two tablespoons of hot chocolate.
-1 FiberOne bar

Granted, it's only noon, and I probably will go get dinner, but right now, I'm being anti-social in my dorm room, considering doing homework.

The veggie burgers in the Commons are really good.
So are the milkshakes.


No, Charlie. No.
Called my dad today. He told me to go for a run.

To put this politely, Dad... Fuck you.

I do love my parents. I swear.
But shit. I haven't been eating a whole lot (for me, I realize most people on here eat about 10x less than me a day), and I think I may have lost a little weight already. I can't tell for sure, but my stomach seems a little flatter, my waist seems a little smaller.


On a side note, I think I have a new crush.
But that's all I'm going to say about that for now. :)

I can't believe what I did last night.

I told one of the girls I worked with over the summer, the one that K likes, everything.

Bingeing, starving, cutting, purging.

Everything.




And she didn't freak out. She didn't threaten to tell my parents.
She told me I was beautiful.
She told me she had already suspected that I did most of it.
She told me that she didn't want me to hurt myself anymore.
And she told me that she loved me.


I don't think I've ever had this good a friend before.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 cup of cottage cheese
-1 cup of lettuce
-1/2 cup of cucumber slices
-2 bags of peanut M&Ms
-1 bag of pretzel M&Ms
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue potato chips
-Approximately 12 Jolly Ranchers
-A little under 1/2 of a veggie burger
-1 cup of french fries
-1 chocolate milkshake
-1 mini pretzel with hummus

Today, in college, I purged...
-A little under 1/2 of a veggie burger
-1 cup of french fries
-1 chocolate milkshake



Why does this have to follow me wherever I fucking go?
I didn't purge at camp... All summer. Well, I purged this summer. Three times.

But not at camp.


Camp is like sacred space to me.


I need sacred space here.
Wherewherewherewherewherewhere.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 apple
-1 cup of cottage cheese
-1 cup of mandarin oranges
-3 celery sticks
-1 mini-carrot
-1 cone of pistachio ice cream
-1 bag of regular M&Ms
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue potato chips

Meh.

I think my tummy's getting a bit smaller.



Heather, you can HAVE these weirdos. They are straaange. I was bonding with another girl on my floor about it.
Also, I love when you make friends with someone from your hometown the first day in college, and then he ignores you for bitchy, super-skinny girls. Coooooool.

I didn't want to fucking chill with you anyway.

Need to stop eating, need to stop eating, need to stop...

So I have some friends at college. I don't know how good friends they'll end up being, but for now, they're my girl friends, my party friends, etc.
Unfortunately for me, they're all roommates, and my dorm is at the top of the hill and theirs is at the bottom.
My entire floor is Honors and the girls are... kind of strange. Like, I'm a nerd, totally... but... I don't flaunt it like it's my job. I don't expect boys to like me for my mind (even though they should). I don't make up fake boyfriends (!!! one of my roommate's friends was talking about it last night) and I don't stay in the dorm. I like to party, hahaha (well, I stayed in the dorm last night because I was fucking exhausted).

Now, about my college friends. They are all insanely gorgeous. And not only are they gorgeous, they're those girls who will talk to guys, no problem. They'll talk to anyone no problem, and it makes me kind of jealous.

So I need to stop eating. I need to lose weight.
It needs to happen fast.

Thank you guys for your comments. :)
@kes; I do share a fridge, unfortunately. :( Luckily though, I don't have a car, so it's not super-easy for me to get off-campus to buy food. Whenever I go to the dining hall, I always head straight for the cottage cheese and mandarin oranges, and try to avoid the fries that are there right when you walk in. D:
@Sam Lupin; Thank you for your support. <3
@Heather; We'll do better today. :)

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 FiberOne Bar
-About 1 cup of cottage cheese
-About 1 cup of mandarin oranges
-1 apple
-One scoop of cotton candy ice cream in a cone
-2 Capri Suns
-2 peanut granola bars
-1 Domino's Cinnamon Stick
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue chips
-1 bag of peanut M&Ms

So, basically, too much.
Maybe I'll eat less once our mini-fridge comes in... Wait.
That's completely ridiculous logic.


I missed you too, Heather. <3

I fucking love college.

No one watches what I eat...
If I want to have a granola bar and one slice of pizza for food for the day, no one says anything.

However, I was drinking tonight, so I had Spaghetti-O's before I went out, so that's gross.



I don't think I've lost any weight yet. My college is built on a hill, so you'd think with all the walking I could lose something, but nope. Still fat.
When we go out to the frat houses, the guys come up to my friends... And look at my friends... And talk to my friends... While I stand there.

There was one guy that showed interest in me as well as one of my friend, but the beer was shit, and there were too many girls, so we left.

But shit. I love college.

Wow.

I just went through some of my old journal entries from when I first really started recording my eating disorder "journey"...
Fucking sick stuff that I've said in the past.
Not that it really bothers me.


I'm starting a new journal, right now, at 1:54 AM, EST. I've written rude, vaguely threatening letters to myself that I'm going to have my mom send to me at college, so I have that motivation to stop eating, purge less, exercise more, etc.


I think it's time to go to bed.

It's been a long time.

So let me fill you in on my life.
For those who care.


This summer, I lost a total amount of ZERO pounds. I'm just as fat as I was starting camp, and I'm heading off to college fatter than I've ever wanted to be in my life.
However, despite my non-weight-loss, I managed to have a relatively fantastic summer. I managed to not purge while at camp (I've only purged a total of three times this summer), but I did cut during my last night at camp (no campers, just staff. My mom bought me this handy little mini Swiss Army knife. Eight tiny cuts, all in a row. Deep enough to bleed, deep enough to hurt, not deep enough to scar).

Here's my boy drama from the summer:
K fell head over heels... For another girl. She's so sweet that I can't hate her. I don't even really like him anymore, and it's actually kind of nice, because the awkward tension that we had last year is now gone, and I can just joke around with him.
I hooked up with another guy, A. Drunk. Twice. He has a girlfriend. And the night after the second time we hooked up, he tried hooking up with another girl we work with. And he's been trying to get in her pants ever since, which makes me feel like shit. Because she's tiny (like 5'2") and runs cross-country (so she's super-skinny). She's the skinniest girl on staff. So, I feel like shit for being ditched for her. And she's kind of a ditz. Super-nice, but... Not the brightest bulb in the box.

My campers were, for the most part, amazing. I love working with kids. They're so honest, most of the time, and so loving. We had a stomach bug epidemic in the last two weeks, and one of my favorite campers of the summer had to go home, without me saying goodbye to her. I wanted to just break down and sob.


And now, I have less than a week before I go off on my pre-college camping trip. I'm going to try to start easing up on all the food I've been eating, and I'm going to try to start running again (sprained my ankle. Got an ankle brace. We'll see how this goes). On a bright note, I've discovered the joys of hummus. Now I need to start eating vegetables at home. And less real milk, more Almond Milk.

Yeah.

Haven't weighed myself in over three weeks.

I think it's a new record. I doubt I've lost any weight, but I have lost fat.
My butt's getting bigger from all the hills.

I need to start running in the morning. I did a few weeks ago, then my knee got fucked up.


I'm at home now, but I can't weigh myself because I've just consumed an entire bag of trail mix.

And K is in love with one of the new girls, who's seventeen (he's nineteen).

And whatever.

I had a skank moment last Saturday when we were partying at my friend's camp, hooked up with another guy on staff who has a girlfriend.

And whatever.




I have a total crush on one of the other guys, but he's only seventeen too. And I feel like getting involved with a high school kid when I'm going off to college is such a bad idea.



So whatever.
I'm very apathetic right now.


But camp is fun. I miss talking to you all. <3

I'm leaving for the week.

Bye.

Yep.

I purged.
Six fucking blueberry muffins, that were supposed to be for breakfast tomorrow.
If I had saved them, they probably would have stayed in my tummy.
Which would be bad.


Think I'm slipping into my random psychotic-type thought again.
Don't know what's happening.

Oh well. Crazy blog posts make for good literature.
Enjoy my insanity.

I want ice cream.

For the past few days, I haven't really been in the mood for any food. Now I want ice cream. Ice cream with brownie bits in it.
I've never really liked brownie ice cream until this year. Weird.

Lucky for my fat cells, there's none in the house, and I'm too exhausted to go get some.

Thank you guys for your comments, and I do appreciate your concern.

@Aye Ell, I do know that it's not an effective way of losing weight. I mostly use it for emotional stress. To be completely honest with you, I have come away from purges feeling better, but mostly only because I feel like I've punished myself successfully. I know that's sick. Thank you for your concern. <3

@Astrid, it is good advice! We say it so much, I think we sometimes forget how to do it. If that makes sense. <3

So, I'll leave you guys with that good advice: stay strong. No matter what curve balls life throws at you.

Daily Thinspo

Random Thought of the Day:

If you turned me inside out, would you see the scars I hide inside?


I'm an incredibly self-destructive person.
I just don't leave any trace.


God fuck, I need to purge. Maybe have a b/p-fest this weekend before camp on Monday.
Maybe.

Daily Thinspo

(Pretty much.)

Among my frivolous thoughts, I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.

Thank you guys for your wonderful comments. <3 I really do appreciate them.

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted.
The title is from the song "Angels" by Owl City (the new album is amazing).


So what have I been doing?
Let's see...

-Gaining weight
-Bingeing
-Pretending I don't care that I'm hideously fat
-Secretly hating the new girls at camp for being pretty and skinny
-Eating more
-Sleeping too much
-Not working out

Also, I have a nasty rash on my arms. I have no idea what it's from, but it itches like no fucking other.


Camp hasn't started yet, I still have a week to go. On Saturday, we had staff work day.
For those of you who care: yes, K is still goofy and adorable.

I'm really worried about this summer and the new girls and what's going to happen.
I like where I stand with everyone right now (pretty much), and I don't want anyone to replace me.

And I want to be the person everyone adores.




But fuck, that won't happen while I'm still fat.
I'm a disgusting human being.

Daily Thinspo

(There are no words to describe how much I love Lights.)

I just want someone to look at me, for once in my life, and say, "I love you, and I never want to see you hurt again. You mean everything to me."
It'd be nice if they meant it, too.

Is that so wrong?

No thinspo today. Sorry. I feel like shit.

I'm giggling to myself.

Mostly because I just bought some weed.

Hahaha.
Little (fat) white girl, drank for the first time & smoked for the first time last summer, buying weed.


Giggling.

And I'm not even high.
Hahahaha.

Daily Thinspo

(She smokes and is skinny. Perfection.)

Sorry, sorry.

I haven't been commenting on your blogs, and I feel awful. It's been a crazy past couple of days.

So, Monday night, I decided it'd be a good idea to drink vodka on an empty stomach. I was so pissed, it was too late to go out and buy binge/purge food.
So I got drunk. And I got drunker. And I ended up puking on the bathroom floor before I made it to the toilet. And I fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom.

Tuesday, I went out to K's camp with K, B (girl I work with), R (guy I work with), and L (R's wife). I didn't get to stay over (and consequently, no one else did... Sorry guys), but it was nice hanging out with them.
Kind of.

I'm pretty sure K likes B. Which kind of hurts. You know? I mean, I know I have absolutely no claim over him whatsoever, but it still fucking hurts.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom, because I needed to pee. I looked in the mirror, and my hair looked wavy and beachy, and my skin  was glow-y, despite my lack of make-up,  and my eyes were sparkly.
And I thought to myself, 'Wow, I'm kind of pretty.'


And then I looked at my body.
Enough said.

Daily Thinspo

(Heather Morris is perfection.)

I'm a legal adult.

I have been for about five months now.
So explain to me why is it SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL to spend the night at K's camp (the guy I like, but parents don't know that) with some other people who I work with, when I pretty much LIVE with them THE ENTIRE FUCKING SUMMER.

Because apparently, it's "inappropriate" for this eighteen year old girl to spend the night with guys and another girl who are practically my brothers and sister.

Especially since I've spent the night with these exact same people at least three times before.
So, instead of spending the night and having a good time, I have to fucking LEAVE. And be the ONLY FUCKING ONE LEAVING.


I need to b/p right now. I need to get all this fucking anger out and I wish I could just punch my dad in the face.

Daily Thinspo

No creative title.

Ate too much today. What else is new?
Going to see the new X-Men movie tonight, I'm so pumped.

Daily Thinspo

(Can I just be her, please?)

I hate it when people bring up the fact that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 or a size 12.

Because, first of all, sizing in her era was COMPLETELY different. A size 14 in her day is more of a size 8-10 now, while a 12 is approximately a 4-6.
And second of all, Marilyn Monroe had an incredible body shape. Her measurements were 35-22-35. She had an incredibly tiny waist compared to her hips and bust.
So everyone who compares their size 12-14 bodies to Marilyn Monroe, please shut the fuck up. I doubt you look anything like her. I know I don't.

Daily Thinspo

(Some vintage thinspo. I love Vera Ellen.)

Too much, not enough.

It's about hot-as-balls degrees here where I live today. Of course. The day I decide to go outside for a run, the bipolar weather decides, "Oh, I think I'll take a break from being cold and rainy in MAY. It's almost June, so I guess I can start being warm again."

Gee, thanks.
I ran maybe 10 minutes? That's probably an overestimation. But I had to do something. I had one and a half packs of Pop-Tarts this morning (I threw away the rest, I was so disgusted with my fat self). That's about 570 calories. Plus the two Blow-Pops I had, plus a few handfuls of sunflower seeds (I'm addicted to them, but there's so much fucking salt in them). Which brings the daily total up to about 740. Disgusting.
Guess we're not eating dinner tonight. And by we, I mean "I". Maybe I'll work out again later.

Daily Thinspo

(Natalia Makarova, possibly my favorite ballerina of all time. She is positively amazing.)

I ate so much fucking food today.

I feel extra extra fat.
3 pancakes, 1 cup of orange juice, 1 cup of milk, 2 slices of pizza, 2 packages of Pop-Tarts (that's four in total), 4 lollipops, sunflower seeds, and at least 20 caramels.


Fucking hell.
And on top of that, I'm pretty sure K thinks I'm pathetic.
Well, surprise surprise, I am.


Fucking hell.

Daily Thinspo

(Her legs aren't the thinnest, but fucking Christ, her upper body is fabulous.)

Plans

I'm planning out all the things I'm going to buy (read: have my mother buy) for this summer and for college. It's mostly makeup and skin-care and hair-care. And clothing. Not that I don't already own a ton of clothing.

Finally got my period (three fucking weeks late, and coming like a fucking monsoon), which explains how fat I am right now. I think I gained three pounds in one day.
But it's all good, because the plan starts today.
I'm eating as little as possible today (had a sip of coffee with milk and sugar, then poured the whole thing out. I have a new preference for black coffee, and I don't know where it came from). Having dinner with parents later. Going to try to only eat half of my veggie burger. Say I'm not hungry. Say I got food on my drive out to the lake.
Also making a new bracelet to keep me on track. Remember when we used to wear the bracelets? Haha, I miss that.

Daily Thinspo

(I can't even describe how much I adore this picture.)

Tomorrow is a new day.

Today, I had about the equivalent of one largeish chocolate chip cookie, a veggie burger with bun, A VitaminWater, ketchup, mustard, maybe 10 french fries, and a small chocolate soft-serve in a cone with rainbow sprinkles. This is too much food.
I am fat.
Fat fat fat fat.

The guy who served our ice cream was kind of cute. And naturally, I looked like shit, in baggy sweats, flip-flops, a staff shirt from camp, with my hair not done, and barely any makeup.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm fat?
I need to start drinking more water, so maybe I'll stop bingeing.
To go along with my new exercise plan, I've devised a new eating plan.
I'll eat five times a day, 100 calories each. That way, I'm eating 500 calories a day, but it will be interspersed so it will feel like I'm eating more.

Going to try to fast tomorrow, probably won't work out, as usual.

Daily Thinspo

(Her ribs are so gorgeous, as is her hair.)

I'm scared.

Have you ever felt scared to lose something that you don't even have?
Fuck. I'm so insecure.

This guy I work with at camp over the summer... I really like him. I've liked him since... Well, pretty much since I met him.
A lot of old staff members left last year, mostly female counselors, so now we have six new girls coming this summer. Of course, I had to do some Facebook stalking.. One of the girls is GORGEOUS. She's thin, tall, has this awesome curly hair.
I'm so fucking scared I'm just going to get lost in the crowd of pretty girls.

Don't mind me, I'm just the ugly fat girl in the background.


On another note, it's really annoying, having to build up my follower and following lists again, after a year on my old blog. I'm just going to have to get over it, though. I don't really have any other choice...

Daily Thinspo

(Legs.)

(Partially) Successful Fast Day.

I had nothing but coffee (one tablespoon sugar, two tablespoons milk) until around 2:45, when I had a small Vanilla Bean Coolatta from Dunkin' Donuts. Went and got my hair cut and deep-conditioned, then went to DD again and got a sweetened iced tea (this DD's Coolatta machine was broken... Assholes). I was doing good, doing well, when my mom got home, with a giant box of Lindt chocolates.

"Oh, these are for your graduation party."

Are you fucking kidding me.
So I went to the damn store and bought a fucking six pack of Snickers. Ate three, purged as much as I could, and now my stomach's rumbly and pissing me off.
Not to mention I'm about to get my period (about three weeks late, by the way. Does that mean I'm doing something right?), and I'm on antibiotics to get rid of this awful fucking sinusitis.

The purging fucking sucked by the way. I drank water all through my binge, because I know how chocolate can get when you're purging it but Jesus Christ, this was the nastiest, sludgiest purge I've ever had. The only one I can think of that was worse was probably the egg noodles in chicken broth. Oh well, it's out now.

Daily Thinspo

("Oh, just washing my car in a bikini, because I'm thin and beautiful.")

Fasting Update

Since fasting didn't work out today (fatass, failure. What else is new?), I'm starting a new plan.

I got my Seventeen magazine in the mail today... The Amazing Summer Body issue. Woo.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to liquid/fruit fast. Then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I will fast completely, in preparation for restricting and exercising (exercise plan courtesy of Seventeen), starting Sunday, May 29th.

SUNDAY, MAY 29TH.

Yes. It will actually happen. I will actually follow the plan.
Maybe.


Hopefully.

Three Day Fast: Day 1

I realize it's just the beginning of the day (1:11 am, to be exact), but I wanted to write some things.

I've been making the slow switch back to restricting, despite the fact that there has been a lot of mindless eating in my life lately. Tomorrow I'll wake up and go to the doctor (I'm sick for the third time in a month), and they'll weigh me, and I'll be FAT.
Possibly fatter than the last time I went.
According to my schedule, I'm supposed to weigh 165 this Thursday. I'm 170, and there's no chance of me losing that in 2 days... Guess I have to push all my weight loss back a week... Yet again. FUCK.

---

Alright. I've fixed my calendar, and if I lose four pounds a week consistently (not likely, especially at camp this summer), I will be 98 pounds by September 29, 2011.

I need to start running again. I need to stop eating. I need I need I need.

In other news, I've started being a normal American teenager, i.e., drinking and smoking pot.
It's fun when you're with the right people.

Daily Thinspo

(God, she has the most perfect legs ever.)

Hi guys.

It's me. And here's my new blog. Isn't it snazzy?


For those of you who don't know me, you can call me Charlie. Or Rosie, I respond to either. I've been living with disordered eating for ten years or so. This blog is about that. Kind of.
It's also about my life.
And who I am.
And who I want to be.
And things I like, and things I don't like.


Tomorrow I'm starting a three day fast. Hello, Hunger. It's been awhile.