Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Constant criticism.

This is why I absolutely hate being home.
Sometimes I miss being home- having food made for me, having all my own stuff around me.

And then my parents start to eat at me and I can't wait to leave.
Criticism about my appearance: how much weight I've gained, how I do my hair, how often I take a shower (apparently every other day is "disgusting"), what I wear.
Criticism about my habits: my room is too messy, I eat too much, too many carbs, I need to stop biting my nails because that's gross.

Nothing I ever do is right.
And they wonder why I don't try.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

I have the worst immune system.

So, in case I haven't informed you all, I've had strep throat about 4 times this calendar year (the most recent being about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago). I went to the doctor yesterday, and was diagnosed with "almost pneumonia, but not quite," and am now on my second round of antibiotics this month.

Apparently, this cough I've had for about a week now is "almost pneumonia." It's not settled into the bottom of my lungs, so it can't be considered pneumonia or even walking pneumonia. But it blows. My entire lower back is sore from how much I've been coughing, my throat is sore from coughing, my head hurts from coughing, and I am pretty miserable. The cough medicine they gave me isn't great either.
The best stuff I ever got was a few months back, they gave me hydrocodone syrup for my cough and for sleep. It was wonderful. But it's all gone now.

I should probably try to sleep now.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Today, I Ate Like a Fat Pig

What I Ate Today

1 bananaBreakfast105
1/2 Fontina grilled cheese (Panera)Lunch420
1/2 mac and cheese (Panera)Lunch490
3/4 bag of chips (Panera)Lunch120
1 medium iced green tea (Panera)Lunch130
2 glazed donuts (Dunkin')
1/2 medium strawberry Coolatta (Dunkin')

I actually feel like complete crap today. I'm sick again. My mom thinks it's the flu. Who really knows, though.
So, needless to say, not feeling good = shitty food to try to feel better.
Staying awake sucks. I'm gonna try to sleep some more. Wish I could find the thermometer.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What I Ate Today, What I Did Today.

I don't know that I see myself as 150 or 230, I just see myself as fat... There's no specified weight, I just feel like I look exactly the same, even though I know I don't. Maybe it's because I'm constantly observing myself that I can't notice the changes until I see them in pictures? My eyes like to play tricks on me.

What I Ate Today, Lard-Ass Edition

10 chicken nuggets (Wendys)Lunch/Dinner450
1/4 medium fryLunch/Dinner103
1 medium chocolate FrostyLunch/Dinner460
2 tablespoons ketchupLunch/Dinner38
1 bananaSnack105

I have a spreadsheet keeping track. It's significantly easier to just copy and past. But GOD did I have to be so freaking fat about it all?
Deep breaths.

My best friend and I went shopping today (when I say shopping, I mean we just went to Sephora. There's a city about 2-3 hours away from me that has 2 Sephoras: one inside JC Penney (which, coincidentally, is my current employment. Not the JC Penney with the Sephora, but one in my college town), and one free standing Sephora.
This is my second Sephora haul within the past 2 weeks. It's a problem.
I'm really into skincare right now, not so much makeup. But makeup will forever hold a place in my heart, and a lot of makeup has a lot to do with skincare (especially face makeup- concealer, foundation, etc.).
I have a serious Sephora addiction. Help.

Crap ton of posts.

Just casually having drug-induced epiphanies, don't mind me.

Something I realized recently:
When I look at myself in the mirror, I look the same now, at 230 pounds, as I thought I did at 152 pounds.

I can't physically see a difference. Other than that my face is a bit rounder and my rolls roll out a bit more.

But if you take a picture of me, the difference is as clear as day.

Hey, kids, don't do drugs.

No really. I don't recommend it.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Drugs are a lot of fun.
Except when they aren't.

Addiction runs in my family (cue eating disorder?), so obviously my parents (especially my dad), are particularly worried about my Ritalin prescription. It's only 10mg, and it takes at least 4 for me to actually get on the concentration roll. I'm only technically supposed to take one a day, but my psychiatrist told me to take them when I need them (like for concentrating in class) as opposed to every day.
I really need a higher prescription.
One of the great things about ADD/ADHD meds is that it clears everything out of my head. I can focus on what I need to focus on, and I don't need as much sleep. It's much better than cocaine, because I don't get jitters or insane heart racing. It also supposedly curbs appetite, but I've found that Adderall is a lot better with that.
One of the not so great things about these meds is the crash I get after I take them too much. I can sleep for days after a Ritalin binge, which does not make my parents happy.
Side note, my parents don't even know I'm taking them. My dad didn't want me to take them until I talked with my doctor.
Still haven't made that appointment.

I ended up eating 987 calories, which is even worse than yesterday. My mother pissed me off, so I ate the pita chips (130), hummus (60), a banana (105), and two Capri Suns (120). On the bright side, the Capri Suns are gone, and with them my last hope for insanely processed sugar. I don't have any money, so I can't go out and buy more.
I'm broke because of my shopping/skincare/makeup addiction, but that's a story for a different day.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

What I Ate Today and other things, I guess.

What I Ate Today:
-2 eggs with cheese and almond milk (one for breakfast, one for dinner): 190
-1/2 grapefruit with 1.5 tablespoons sugar (breakfast): 110
-1/2 grapefruit with 2 packets of sugar (dinner): 82
TOTAL: 572

I'm not entirely sure if I'll eat more tonight. I may. But I have a killer headache, and that's sort of preventing me from doing anything.
My stomach hasn't growled at all, but I've also slept most of the day. Still trying to get over strep throat.

If I do eat anything else, it'll be
-10 pita chips: 130
-3 tablespoons hummus: 90
which would bring my total to 792, which isn't that bad I guess. Would be better if I stick to what I've eaten already.

I'm trying to work up the motivation to clean my room, but I'm finding none. Maybe I'll watch Skins or a movie.

I wish there was something for me to talk about, but literally nothing is going on my my life.
I have a boyfriend, he's really great.
Just got my grades, not terrible, but not fantastic.
I have to clean my room before I give my dad my grades though.

Maybe I'll snort some Ritalin and that will get me going.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD, cheers y'all.

Things that still boggle my mind.

I think I dwell on the past too much.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself in high school.
My GOAL is to lose 100 pounds by May. That's about 5 lbs a week, and would bring me to 130 lbs.
Yeah, I weigh 230 pounds. Just shoot me.
I'm starting now. I told y'all that I'm trying to completely stop eating junk food (like candy and fried foods and chips, etc.) I have an unhealthy McDonald's addiction. I have an unhealthy chocolate addiction. I have an unhealthy food addiction.
My mother is under instructions to not give me or buy me any candy or sweets or unhealthy food. The fridge is stocked with plants to eat.
I don't want any of it.
I want to stuff my face with mac and cheese, chocolates, ice cream, caramel, cookies, anything except this gross healthy stuff in my house right now.

I used to live on salads. I used to eat lemons for lunch. What the freaking hell was wrong with me? Also, I'm kind of addicted to reading my old blog posts, from my first blog.
It's like reading an entirely different person's life.
I was HYSTERICAL, by the way. Also annoying and pathetic, but pretty damn funny.

What I Ate Today: A Compulsive Calculation

2 cornflake chicken tenderloins: 240
15 green beans: 35
Parfait (1/2 cup yogurt, 1/2 banana, 1 clementine, 10 rapsberries, 2/3 cup rice krispies): 198
1/4 cup skim milk: 20
1/3 bag of Panera potato chips: 50
Approximately 6 peanut butter chocolates: 150
3 Capri Suns: 180
Smidge of cranberry juice: 15

TOTAL: 888

I'm home for break, fatter than ever.
I've decided to try to go cold turkey off of candy and junk food (the potato chips and chocolates were left over from the weekend, and I was dying).
This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I'm doing spa night tonight, in preparation for DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So there's that. Waiting to be disappointed by my grades, as usual.