Tuesday, December 3, 2013


My weight has ballooned back up again to where it was before.

I'm gonna go binge now.

It's finals week and I'm stressed and I'm fat and I can't even.

Thursday, November 28, 2013


I hate this holiday. Like, oh, let's celebrate our love for the world by STUFFING OUR FACES WITH FOOD.

For the record, I did.

Then I purged.

Now I'm polishing off a quarter of an apple pie with milk and ice cream.

I honestly didn't know I could fit that much food in my stomach. It kept coming and coming and I jammed my fingers down my throat. I thought it would never stop.

I definitely cut my throat with my fingernails. There were a few splotches of blood in the mashed potatoes. Bright red. Like ketchup.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My weight has finally stabilized from this weekend's binge around 213.

I'm home for break, so I no longer have my scale with me. I hope my parents scale isn't too far off.

Sunday, November 24, 2013


I ate pounds on pounds of food this weekend. 
Who lets me smoke weed? Come on guys...

About to go weigh myself... Cross your fingers that the damage isn't too bad.

Friday, November 22, 2013

I've already eaten so much today. It's only 2 PM. 
-1 chocolate glazed donut (190)
-1 apple (55)
-8 oz milk (111)
-2/3 cup of mini marshmallows (100)

I know that might not seem like a lot but it's a lot of calories, especially since it's a Friday.

I hate myself a little less today.
I woke up at 209.4, which is easily my lowest weight since September. After eating, it's back up to 211.0.

I finally made an appointment with the counseling center at my school. I really, truly think I have ADD, but I also want Adderall for the appetite suppressing side effects.

I don't know what else I'll tell her. Maybe something. Maybe everything. Who knows.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

What I Ate Today: A comprehensive list that can also be acknowledged as "too much"

9 chicken nuggets
2 tbsp ketchup
Gallons of Diet Coke
1 cup of Mac and cheese
2 lollipops
1 apple

Wow. I can't even. No wonder I still weigh so much.

Never good enough.

No matter what I do no matter how hard I try nothing I do is ever good enough so now I'm officially done trying I can't handle this I'm still fat my metabolism is shot to shit and I wish I could just disappear forever and no one would notice.

Also I cut myself tonight because there was nothing in my stomach except Diet Coke to purge.
Now I have to wear long sleeves to Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Late nights, Diet Coke, Edmund Spenser, and red nail polish.

Fat fingers.


So I ate a shit ton today. It was fun. Let's chronicle it, shall we?

1 omelette with three pieces of bacon
1/3 cup curly fries with ketchup
13 baby carrots
1 small apple
1/2 cup of ice cream
1 cup of hot cocoa
1 taco (soft shell) with cheese

Hoolyyy shit. I haven't eaten since around 6 (it's about midnight now) so hopefully I'll get my work done and go to bed hungry again.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


My stomach keeps growling in class. It's really uncomfortable to have people look at me.

Stop, I'm fat.

New low.

New low weight since this summer, 212.4. The hunger pains are worth it, the hunger pains are worth it.

I need to be thinner over break than I was over the summer.
Also, I'm moving to lifeguard at the waterfront next summer, so I REALLY need to lose this weight.


This weekend was one giant binge right after another. Chicken tenders, bacon, eggs, cereal, candy, ugh.

Luckily, after not eating very much today, I'm back to my pre-weekend weight.

So I restarted at 215 (holy fucking crap I know I'm enormous.), and today I was at 213.6 at the end of the day. I had some candy, some baked chips, a Coke, basically shit food, but not a whole lot of it I guess. I also have my period so bloating and cramps and weight gain for everyone!

Now I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm hungry. Whatever. I'm so tempted to eat something right now but I'm going to try not to. I'm trying to retrain my body into thinking hunger pains are fun.

The ultimate goal is to be 200 for thanksgiving, so I have a little more than a week. It probably won't happen, but I'd be cool with 205 for turkey day.

Speaking of, I'm no longer a vegetarian. It's a curse and a blessing. On the bright side, most meat doesn't have that many calories, and a lot of it is actually reasonably healthy. On the downside, now I eat. And eat. And eat.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

2nd Post of the Day

So far I've been really good. I'm still at the same calorie count, and I've had an extra liter of water and a Diet Coke. I love Diet Coke but for some reason I decided to not drink soda for an extended period of time. Now I'm back on that Diet Coke grind.

Today, I was reading through my old blog. If you haven't read it, and want to read the insane rambling of a 16-19 year old girl who is starving herself and purging occasionally, go check it out at: www.brokenmirrorsshattereddreams.blogspot.com

I've been thinking a lot about my high school years and how fucking insane I was and how the hell I got away with it. One day I brought a sliced lemon to school for lunch. And a Diet Coke. A fucking lemon. I sucked it dry. I was literally fucking crazy. How did people let me do that?


I'm at 734 calories for today so far.. I know it's high but it's better than my 2000+ cal binge from yesterday. If I can hold myself together until bedtime, maybe I'll lose some weight tonight.

I've figured out why it's been so hard for me to keep my weight down in college. I'm a secret binger, I only ever really binge on food when I'm alone (drunk binges are totes different). Pretty much all of my roommates in the past three years have been MIA during most days, which gives me plenty of free time to binge.

Food for thought. Hah.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Yeah, I'm back.. Kind of.

I'm back and fatter than ever. I just don't have any motivation at all to do anything. But I need to start doing something. I'm working at the waterfront next year which means bathing suits all day every day which means I need to get back to my first year of camp weight... That means losing approximately sixty pounds by July. Fuck.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I feel like my entire life is crashing at my feet and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Out with the old.

I just threw away all of my old journals from when I was really starving. 

I feel like I just threw away a part of me.

But it feels like I threw away a bad part. And now I can move on.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Thank you guys so much for your comments on my last post.

I know it's been a really long time since I've been on here. It feels like forever. I'm gonna have a rough time catching up on everyone's lives.

A lot has been going on with me recently, I'll go into it in detail in a later post. I just wanted to quickly say thank you for those amazing comments. <3

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I am worthless.

I am pointless. I don't mean anything to anyone and no one gives a fucking rat's ass.

Friday, February 22, 2013


A few days ago I realized that my ass is lopsided.
This makes me really sad because I actually liked my ass. Until I looked in the mirror and saw it was lopsided.
So now it has to go.

Thank you for your concern about me purging blood. I'm fine, for now. Love you all.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I purged three times today.

The last time, there was blood. And right now I have the worst pain on the left side of my rib cage in the back.

You know. Just living life.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

So even after

A night of heavy drinking, I still managed to weigh in this morning at 197.4. Sweet deal.

Unfortunately I just binged on an entire pack of cheese sticks so no more eating until dinner salad.

Friday, February 15, 2013


I'm going to start official Sunday weigh-ins to track weight weekly.
But on a happy note, after sleeping all day, I weighed in at 197.6. I never thought I'd be so happy to be back in the 190s.

Thank you so much everyone for your beautiful comments. They make me really happy.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

And back up.

Bingeing has put me back at 201.0.

I'm fasting today except for water and possibly a lollipop. Hopefully this fast goes better than yesterday's did. I got high and ate pizza, essentially. It was bad.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Lower weight!

Finally back under 200! But just barely. I'm at 199.8 after waking up and eating eight mini Reese's and two sips of water.

I'm really surprised actually. I guess I didn't eat as much yesterday as I thought. Or maybe I just slept too much today haha.

I've been drinking Diet Coke like no one's business. Guess I'll go keep doing that!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

So I'm fat. What else is new.

According to the scale, yesterday I weighed 201.0, which is down about 3.6 pounds from binge feat city.

@LostinSpace the app kind of makes me feel like shit because I'm always over calorie limit but I think it does make me conscious of what I'm eating. So maybe it's working?

I'm not weighing myself today because I stayed up all night eating and drinking diet Coke...
Or maybe I will, just to be an asshole to myself.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Binges 2.0

So I binged tonight. So instead of about 750 calories I ate about 1900 calories today. Luckily there's not a whole lot more to eat in this house.

It's better than yesterday's binge of 3000+ so I guess that's something.


I haven't yet today. Yesterday I ate over 3000 calories and it is fucking disgusting. Today I'm at 393. This calorie tracker app is really helpful. I almost feel less fat already.

So I haven't updated my weight in a long time. For those of you who care to know the last time I weighed myself I weighed 204.

Wow, right?
So obviously it's time to stop fucking up. Salad and tomato soup for dinner maybe. Or maybe not. Who knows?

Monday, February 4, 2013

Happy birthday.

So yesterday was my birthday. I got some cool stuff and ate food. Woo.

BUT I got a new iPod and I got an app for calorie and exercise tracking which means... Well, no promises yet. You guys know how I get. But hopefully good things. There's stuff for salads in the fridge.

But there is also leftover ice cream cake.
Where did the willpower I used to have go?

I'm gonna go look for it.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


I'm sitting at lunch with my food in front of me and I really don't want it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


I just saw a picture of myself from a few weeks ago.

I am really fat in it.

Also my face is so round. It looks like a fucking beach ball.

Holy fucking shit. I lost so much weight a few years ago why do I look like this now?

My plans.

I'm just gonna eat my feelings for a few days.
Because I'm already fucking obese and hideous anyway.
What's a few more days gonna do.

Friday, January 25, 2013

I am a mess.

And not a hot one.

I had sex with one of my friends, a brother at a fraternity that I chill at a significant amount.

I have so many feelings and I don't want them can someone please take them away I just want to be numb.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Getting ripped.

So my friend and I have decided that we are going to piss our roommates off by becoming extremely fucking sexually attractive. I even went to the gym today. The women's field hockey coach smiled at me as I was lifting and told me I was working hard. Not many girls lift here who aren't on a sports team.

I did cardio for 20 minutes and lifted for 25... Before that I had granola with plain yogurt, honey, and half an apple which disgustingly enough is approximately 550 calories. After my workout I had two slices of pizza which come to an equally gross 520 calories. It's salad and peanut butter toast for dinner.. I'll figure out those calories when I get to them. I'm trying to stay as close to 1000 calories a day as possible for this first week and then I'm going to start dropping it. I'm recording everything I eat and drink again and I hav a lovely set of rules that I'll share when I'm not typing this on an iPod!

Love you all very very much.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Patriots lost.

Let me go wallow in my misery.

On a less depressing note, I'm still super super fucking fat.

Oh wait...

Thank you guys for all your comments. I really do appreciate them. <3

Monday, January 14, 2013

Saturday, January 5, 2013


On Sunday (that's tomorrow), I'm giving up candy and sweets. This is a big deal for me. Over the past four months I've become addicted to chocolate in a really bad way.
This month, my friend and I are starting an exercise/diet program. Every day we don't exercise is a day we don't get to go party.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

New year, same bullshit.

I can't stay home this long without going crazy. Hah. That was a joke, I already am crazy.

I really appreciate the comments you guys leave me. They help me feel like maybe I'm not alone even though my head tells me I am completely and utterly alone. 

I'm planning a binge of epic proportions for today. Today is my last day of being ugly and allowing myself to be ugly without trying to improve on this lump of lard. Tomorrow I'm getting my nails done, and the next day my hair, so maybe if I imagine real hard, I'll be able to see what I'll look like when I'm actually pretty.

On New Year's Eve, my camp friends and I had a party.
The guy I've hooked up with, the one with the girlfriend, brought his girlfriend. And even with her there, I could tell that if she wasn't there he'd be trying and not just looking at me and getting really close to me.
Also, I outdrank everyone, which is something a really fat person can do.

So I'm going to go binge now. Probably won't purge because I have a canker sore and it hurts.

Isn't that funny how that works? I'm less inclined to purge when I have a canker sore because it stings a little, but when my heart starts acting funny nothing changes and I continue to purge like nothing is wrong.

Love you all.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My most recent self-diagnosis.

I know doctors always get all pissy when you self-diagnose. And I know it's not exactly safe to self-diagnose..
But I like to try to figure out what's going on in my mind.
Some days it feels like depression, sometimes more along the lines of a personality disorder...

And I think lately I've been experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder.

But maybe I'm just crazy.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Resolutions

1. Weigh myself. Every. Day.
2. Eat less.
3. Starve more.
4. Get skinny.