Monday, April 21, 2014

11:16 pm

On the bright side, I'm actually really sick. Sickness equals no hunger. Woo.

What I Ate Today
-12 mini chocolate bunnies (200)
-6 flavored Tootsie Rolls (140)
-1 grilled cheese, American cheese, white bread, butter (300)
-1 large Cherry Icee from Burger King (170)
-1 hamburger, no pickles, also from Burger King (240)

Total: 1050


I'm ready.

I'm ready to start slowly killing myself again.

Someone hand me a pen so I can sign my name on the dotted line.

What I Ate Today:
-Barbecue chicken (350)
-12 stalks of asparagus (130)
-2 pineapple rings (60)
-6 raspberries (6)
-4 strawberries (15)
-25 grapes (50)
-1 everything bagel thin (110)
-2 tbsp cream cheese (80)
-3 cups of tea (0)
-2 candy canes (100)
TOTAL: 901

Also went on a 20 minute walk with my mother. Which is about 100 calories burned.

Fatass signing off.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

I realized something today.

I absolutely HATE how I make myself feel. About myself.

I was looking through old pictures and stuff from high school (always a bad idea), and I looked really good but... Emotionally those were some of the worst years of my life. And I don't think I'd trade a single ounce of this fat that is layered over my body to go back to the mindset I was in junior year of high school through freshman year of college.

Being in college has taught me a few things.
1) There are always people that are around who are going to try to tear you down. For instance, I was leaving a bar a few weekends ago to go to another bar, and I was with one of my friends. Some rando kid said to me as he walked past me, "And you're a fat virgin." Good jokes cause I'm definitely not and have a pretty decent sex life at this point in my life.

2) For every person who will hurt you, there are two more waiting to help you pick up the pieces. I have three of the best friends of my entire life, the three girls in my pledge class. I can walk silently into a room and they will immediately know if something's wrong. There's no hiding from them.

3) There are definitely guys who are into fat chicks. I'm a little "Eh," on this one, mostly because I don't want to be a fat chick anymore. But there are absolutely 100% guys who prefer big girls. I know. I've met them.

It has taken years, sweat, blood, and tears to get to where I am right now. I'm not okay with my body, not even remotely. But the thought of starving or purging and hating myself and hating myself and hating myself just doesn't seem like what I want anymore.

I don't really know what this means.
But I'll let you know when I figure it out.

My undergraduate degree is finally coming together...

I only have 21 more credits to do to complete my degree.

I'm already planning my entire next year.
But what comes after senior year?
I'm scared.