Thursday, June 14, 2018

This week's wins and setbacks

I honestly don't even remember the last time I updated this blog, but I miss it, and all you lovely people.
I say that a lot I guess.

Quick recap of the past couple of months:
-Real fat
-Got personal trainer
-Started keto diet (very low carb, high protein, high fat)
-Enjoy keto diet, but enjoy candy and ice cream more
-Two more sessions with trainer before camp
-Have not lost weight but clothes fit a little better.

And so we get to today:
Most of the past week I was entirely in a fog. I forgot to refill my ADHD medication, and kind of turn into less than a person when I don't take it for an extended period of time. I definitely did not follow my keto diet like I should have this week, because I lose a lot of impulse control off my meds and have a tendency to fixate on things like food. Which, now that I'm writing it, feels like a really shitty excuse for having no impulse control. I guess ultimately I really dislike needing medication to feel like a whole human.

I ended up getting in a pretty big fight with my mother, because she's convinced that I am depressed and need to get in to see a therapist. I, however, do not believe that I am depressed. Do I have a lot of other issues that would warrant a visit to a therapist? Absolutely. I was walking around Target, on the phone with her, while we had this conversation, where she absolutely cannot admit that the only reason my dad "cares" is because he doesn't want a fat daughter. He hates the fact that I'm less than perfect, probably because I remind him of the worst parts of himself. I had a rough day at work, forgot to bring food for snack and dinner, and all I wanted was chocolate. So there I am, wandering around the candy aisle, arguing with my mother. She asked if I was driving home, and I told her no, I'm wandering in Target. She immediately got the "I know you're about to make bad money and bad food decisions" tone that she has perfected over the years. Honestly, all I wanted to do was prove her right. Instead, I went to a different aisle, grabbed a protein snack (which is probably still not on the diet, because it has deli-type ham, but is a better option than a bag full of mini-Snickers) and two mozzarella cheese sticks. Confession: I did also get a candy bar on my way to the register.

One of the things my trainer wants me to be doing is working through my emotions without food. I'm trying. It's... a struggle. I ate the candy bar on the drive home and realized that while I did feel better after eating it, it wasn't a satisfied better. It was numb and emotionless. I was a void, a black hole, sucking down sugar and calories in an effort to fill the gaps in my soul.

I mean, my fat ass still ate the candy bar. But at least I didn't binge?

Friday, March 16, 2018

I want to eat everything.

Ice cream. Chips. Cheese. Chicken nuggets. Candy. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Popcorn. Cereal. Popsicles. Milk. Butter. Pizza.

I want to eat everything inside of this house and then roar and swish my lizard tail and eat everything in the closest grocery store.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Long, hot summer.

It's been one hell of a summer, let me just start by saying that. I lived in a brand new state for ten weeks, and sweated my ass off, working at a new camp. I lost 26 lbs.
But that's not enough, of course not.
I need to lose more.
I need to lose more weight before this stupid wedding.
I think I actually conned someone into being my stupid date for this stupid wedding, how crazy is that?

School starts tomorrow. I have a job interview on Friday. So that's life right now. I love you all very much.

Friday, August 4, 2017


I am feeling not so great lately. I've had more thoughts about purging in the past three months than I have in a long time.
I haven't actually acted on the thoughts, but I've come close.

I am worthless.
I am nothing.
I am an earthworm on the pavement, shriveled and crispy.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Two finals down...

One project (due 7pm today) and one final (take home portion due tomorrow at 4pm, in-class portion tomorrow at 4:20pm) left to go.

Then it's time to pack my life up and head back home. I'm so anxious about everything that I'm paralyzed. I haven't even started this project yet, I've just been sitting in bed eating peach gummies and watching pointless videos while waiting for my meds to kick in.

I think I need a different antidepressant prescription, or at least something stronger. The one I'm on doesn't really seem to do much.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I love hearing from you <3

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Endings and beginnings

This week, finals week, marks the end of my first year of grad school. One more semester, and I will have my master's degree and will be searching for a full time job.
On June 3, I leave for North Carolina, 10 hours away from home, to start my new summer job. This will be my first summer in 7 years away from the camp I love, and it will be the longest and farthest I've ever been from home.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
But I am excited, too.

I've spent the last week packing up my things and bringing stuff home. I officially move out of my apartment this coming Friday. I will miss it. But I think that living on my own is not healthy for me. Weight-wise, depression-wise, procrastination-wise. I have a lot to do in the next week, and it's stressing me out.
But I think I'll make it.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Off the wagon

I have officially gained back all the weight I lost last year. It's made me moody and grumpy and antisocial and blah.
I just can't stop fucking eating.
Sweets and pizza and carbs on carbs. I feel like the mayor from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. One day, losing weight and happy, the next day, I've ballooned 45 lbs.

I'm on antidepressants now. I don't remember if I've mentioned that.
I don't know that they work.
It's a super low dose, so that probably has some effect. The only good thing they do is help me sleep. It's really hard to fall asleep on Adderall.

None of my clothes fit anymore. Not even my XL tshirts. Well, I guess they "fit". But I prefer my clothes to be baggy. I miss how small I was back in high school. I'd like to get there again. Maybe soon.

Been considering veganism. Definitely going dairy-free, as I think I'm lactose intolerant. We'll see what happens.