Monday, May 30, 2016

I hate myself

But what else is new?

I am procrastinating writing my lesson plans and sweltering in the heat. Meanwhile, it's only 70-something degrees, but all I want is some nice, cool, high 40s-mid 50s weather.

Saturday, May 28, 2016


Oh, you guys are just being silly now! Nothing you say could ever possibly offend me. The nice thing about comments from people you know very well but don't know in real life is that any kind of concern or anything always feels more genuine. Maybe that's just me.

After a long, cold, rainy spring, the weather seems to have decided to cooperate. It's been sunny and beautiful the past week, pausing only for some brief showers and thunderstorms at night to cool things off. I even managed to get a baby sunburn yesterday, which is always a good thing.

My family and I are out at the lake this weekend, which means more opportunities to enjoy the outdoors... And I am here, in my room, online, because I don't feel like taking a shower. (insert hysterical laughter)

Really though, I am planning on getting a shower once I finish this and check my email. I'm gonna pull the kayak out and clean it off, then head over to camp and see if there's any work to be done over there.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

As of today I am the lowest weight I've been since August/September 2015.
I've lost 20 lbs since early April, which is not fantastic but it's a start.
80 more to go...
And then 50 more from there.

@Bella and @Sam, you guys always brighten my day with your comments. I know I'm an asshole and rarely comment on other peoples' blog posts, but I always read them.
The bacon cheeseburger was from a small restaurant in my college town. It was so amazing, and the french fries were amazing too. I could really go for one right now.

It's starting to get warm and be summer again here. Part of me likes it, but part of me doesn't..
I hate sleeping in hot weather. I'd rather fight to be warm than fight to be cool.
I haven't slept well in the past couple of days. Tossing and turning and waking up constantly in the middle of the night.

But when it's time to get up, I don't feel tired.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Crazy Dayz

Somehow, despite massive binge drinking (beer, of all fucking things), and eating the most shit food in the world (McDonalds, pizza, the best bacon cheeseburger I've ever had in my life), I managed to be three pounds lighter today than I was when I left on Friday.
It was probably a combination of massive amounts of cocaine and also the last few days of my period, which basically is shitting my brains out constantly for 24-48 hours.

So, yay for that.

I am also sick, which I hate. It's the awful weather swings we've been having lately, and I want to just sleep forever.

Sunday, May 22, 2016


I went back to my college town for graduation weekend. Not because I cared about anyone graduating, but because my best friend lives there.
It was eventful to say the least.
In a whirlwind of cocaine, Ritalin, and beer, I ended up hooking up with this guy who has also hooked up with my best friend and my little sister (from sorority, not blood-relative type sister).
So now, I'm not only Eskimo sisters with my big sister (also sorority), I'm also Eskimo sisters with my little and my pledge sister/best friend.

I'm trying to pretend it didn't happen. It was a very weird time.

Monday, May 16, 2016

David Dane

Let's all laugh at David Dane's most recent comments on my blog. The previous ones, gone forever, and marked appropriately as spam.

"I was not spamming you... I was being sincere and giving advice. But since you are such a deeply, pathetically tastess [sic] human being, I will leave you alone..."

"I really was trying to be a friend... you do not deserve friends."

"I really was trying to be a friend... you do not deserve friends."

Pardon me while I take a break to LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

I'm so glad this spammer gets his rocks off by attempting to shame and ridicule me on my own blog. I will continue to report you as spam.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Influx of spammers

Has anyone else started to get a lot of spam comments lately? I've had four today, and it's getting really annoying.

Friday, May 6, 2016


It has been three days and I have not lost a single damn pound.
How many more amphetamines do I have to take to start losing weight again??

I was really fucking pissed, so I went and got fries and a frosty from Wendy's...

Oh well.
Guess I'll be having a stalk of asparagus for dinner.

Thursday, May 5, 2016


My weight loss had been pretty consistent... Until today. I weigh the same as yesterday, which is more than a little upsetting.

Now I'm stuck 15 pounds down and I only have 14 days to lose another 15 to be at my goal.

Which blows.
Hell, at this point I'd settle for ten, that would be better than not losing anything.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Today I Ate:
-1 protein shake (200)
-2 protein bars (340)
-1 bowl of turkey chili (400?)
-1/4 cup taco cheese (91)
-15 tortilla chips (225)
-1 sugar free black cherry Jell-O (10)
Total: 1266

I am a fat ass.

On a brighter note, I got a new prescription today. I finally told my doctor that I needed to switch my Ritalin from fast-acting to slow-release, and I was able to get the prescription today.

I think I'm going to try it out tomorrow (without the phentermine I've been taking), just to see how different it is from both the fact-acting one I've had in the past and the phentermine.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Today I Ate:
-2 chocolate protein shakes (400)
-2 protein bars (340)
-1/2 honey graham cracker (70)
-4 oz baked cornflake chicken tenders (250)
-1 cup broiled asparagus (72)
-1 tsp olive oil (40)

Total: 1172

I know in my heart that it's really not all that much, but seeing the numbers makes me a little anxious, I'm not going to lie. Part of me wants to continue restricting, while part of me likes the energy I have.
It's a lot easier to be on my diet plan during the week, when I have a set schedule.

As of today, I have lost about 15 lbs since starting the diet. Which is kind of a big deal, kind of not. I have a pair of shorts that I want to wear comfortably for the event in three weeks, and I think another 15 pounds should do it. I'm going to have to be very strict with what I eat to be able to make it there. It's taken me almost a month to get to where I am now. I know I need to work out more, but I'm an asshole, so whatever.

@Niqi; To be honest, I don't know much about the vegan waffle! There's a vegan restaurant near my house, and one of my friends, who is vegan, was passing through, so we stopped to grab dinner and catch up. I know a little about veganism, but honestly not much. I'm considering shifting to a vegan diet once I'm done with this current doctor and plan (which will probably be in the summertime). If you're interested in documentaries, one of my favorites is Cowspiracy. I won't spoil anything about it, but it's very interesting to think about.

Anyway, I've got to go back to work now... To deal with 40 screaming children for three straight hours.
Wish me luck.
What I Ate Today
-1 protein shake (200)
-1 protein bar (170)
-1 small bag of Fritos (180)
-1 vegan waffle (225)
-2 tablespoons maple syrup (100)
-2 packages of cheddar cracker sandwiches (380)
-2 Snickers bars (430)

Total: 1685

That's really gross.

Sunday, May 1, 2016


What I Ate Today
-1 protein shake (200)
-2 mini bags of Lays original (320)
-1 tablespoon walnuts (30)
-1 tablespoon Hershey's chocolate syrup (50)
-1 container of sugar-free black cherry Jello (10)

Total: 610

I decided that I'm going to attempt to go back to eating all my scheduled meals starting tomorrow. I honestly forgot how tired and lethargic I feel when I'm restricting. Makes doing what I need to do really difficult.
And it makes sense why it was so much easier in high school because I didn't have shit to do in high school.
I didn't have to condense my life and my belongings to the point where I can pack everything and move out.
I didn't have to stress about where I would get money to live and go to school.
I didn't have to do anything besides school work, and I did a shitty job with all that.

But now I have to actually be an adult.
I don't have time to let my disordered eating affect my everyday life anymore.
I don't really know that I want to have time to let it affect me.