Constant criticism.

This is why I absolutely hate being home.
Sometimes I miss being home- having food made for me, having all my own stuff around me.

And then my parents start to eat at me and I can't wait to leave.
Criticism about my appearance: how much weight I've gained, how I do my hair, how often I take a shower (apparently every other day is "disgusting"), what I wear.
Criticism about my habits: my room is too messy, I eat too much, too many carbs, I need to stop biting my nails because that's gross.

Nothing I ever do is right.
And they wonder why I don't try.

I have the worst immune system.

So, in case I haven't informed you all, I've had strep throat about 4 times this calendar year (the most recent being about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago). I went to the doctor yesterday, and was diagnosed with "almost pneumonia, but not quite," and am now on my second round of antibiotics this month.

Apparently, this cough I've had for about a week now is "almost pneumonia." It's not settled into the bottom of my lungs, so it can't be considered pneumonia or even walking pneumonia. But it blows. My entire lower back is sore from how much I've been coughing, my throat is sore from coughing, my head hurts from coughing, and I am pretty miserable. The cough medicine they gave me isn't great either.
The best stuff I ever got was a few months back, they gave me hydrocodone syrup for my cough and for sleep. It was wonderful. But it's all gone now.

I should probably try to sleep now.

Today, I Ate Like a Fat Pig

What I Ate Today

1 banana	Breakfast	105
1/2 Fontina grilled cheese (Panera)	Lunch	420
1/2 mac and cheese (Panera)	Lunch	490
3/4 bag of chips (Panera)	Lunch	120
1 medium iced green tea (Panera)	Lunch	130
2 glazed donuts (Dunkin')		520
1/2 medium strawberry Coolatta (Dunkin')		175
TOTAL:		1960

I actually feel like complete crap today. I'm sick again. My mom thinks it's the flu. Who really knows, though.
So, needless to say, not feeling good = shitty food to try to feel better.
Staying awake sucks. I'm gonna try to sleep some more. Wish I could find the thermometer.

What I Ate Today, What I Did Today.

@Tali;
I don't know that I see myself as 150 or 230, I just see myself as fat... There's no specified weight, I just feel like I look exactly the same, even though I know I don't. Maybe it's because I'm constantly observing myself that I can't notice the changes until I see them in pictures? My eyes like to play tricks on me.


What I Ate Today, Lard-Ass Edition

10 chicken nuggets (Wendys)	Lunch/Dinner	450
1/4 medium fry	Lunch/Dinner	103
1 medium chocolate Frosty	Lunch/Dinner	460
2 tablespoons ketchup	Lunch/Dinner	38
1 banana	Snack	105
TOTAL:		1156

I have a spreadsheet keeping track. It's significantly easier to just copy and past. But GOD did I have to be so freaking fat about it all?
Deep breaths.

My best friend and I went shopping today (when I say shopping, I mean we just went to Sephora. There's a city about 2-3 hours away from me that has 2 Sephoras: one inside JC Penney (which, coincidentally, is my current employment. Not the JC Penney with the Sephora, but one in my college town), and one free standing Sephora.
This is my second Sephora haul within the past 2 weeks. It's a problem.
I'm really into skincare right now, not so much makeup. But makeup will forever hold a place in my heart, and a lot of makeup has a lot to do with skincare (especially face makeup- concealer, foundation, etc.).
I have a serious Sephora addiction. Help.

Crap ton of posts.

Just casually having drug-induced epiphanies, don't mind me.

Something I realized recently:
When I look at myself in the mirror, I look the same now, at 230 pounds, as I thought I did at 152 pounds.


I can't physically see a difference. Other than that my face is a bit rounder and my rolls roll out a bit more.



But if you take a picture of me, the difference is as clear as day.

Hey, kids, don't do drugs.

No really. I don't recommend it.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Drugs are a lot of fun.
Except when they aren't.

Addiction runs in my family (cue eating disorder?), so obviously my parents (especially my dad), are particularly worried about my Ritalin prescription. It's only 10mg, and it takes at least 4 for me to actually get on the concentration roll. I'm only technically supposed to take one a day, but my psychiatrist told me to take them when I need them (like for concentrating in class) as opposed to every day.
I really need a higher prescription.
One of the great things about ADD/ADHD meds is that it clears everything out of my head. I can focus on what I need to focus on, and I don't need as much sleep. It's much better than cocaine, because I don't get jitters or insane heart racing. It also supposedly curbs appetite, but I've found that Adderall is a lot better with that.
One of the not so great things about these meds is the crash I get after I take them too much. I can sleep for days after a Ritalin binge, which does not make my parents happy.
Side note, my parents don't even know I'm taking them. My dad didn't want me to take them until I talked with my doctor.
Still haven't made that appointment.


I ended up eating 987 calories, which is even worse than yesterday. My mother pissed me off, so I ate the pita chips (130), hummus (60), a banana (105), and two Capri Suns (120). On the bright side, the Capri Suns are gone, and with them my last hope for insanely processed sugar. I don't have any money, so I can't go out and buy more.
I'm broke because of my shopping/skincare/makeup addiction, but that's a story for a different day.

What I Ate Today and other things, I guess.

What I Ate Today:
-2 eggs with cheese and almond milk (one for breakfast, one for dinner): 190
-1/2 grapefruit with 1.5 tablespoons sugar (breakfast): 110
-1/2 grapefruit with 2 packets of sugar (dinner): 82
TOTAL: 572

I'm not entirely sure if I'll eat more tonight. I may. But I have a killer headache, and that's sort of preventing me from doing anything.
My stomach hasn't growled at all, but I've also slept most of the day. Still trying to get over strep throat.

If I do eat anything else, it'll be
-10 pita chips: 130
-3 tablespoons hummus: 90
which would bring my total to 792, which isn't that bad I guess. Would be better if I stick to what I've eaten already.

I'm trying to work up the motivation to clean my room, but I'm finding none. Maybe I'll watch Skins or a movie.

I wish there was something for me to talk about, but literally nothing is going on my my life.
I have a boyfriend, he's really great.
Just got my grades, not terrible, but not fantastic.
I have to clean my room before I give my dad my grades though.

Maybe I'll snort some Ritalin and that will get me going.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD, cheers y'all.

Things that still boggle my mind.

I think I dwell on the past too much.

I need to stop looking at pictures of myself in high school.
My GOAL is to lose 100 pounds by May. That's about 5 lbs a week, and would bring me to 130 lbs.
Yeah, I weigh 230 pounds. Just shoot me.
I'm starting now. I told y'all that I'm trying to completely stop eating junk food (like candy and fried foods and chips, etc.) I have an unhealthy McDonald's addiction. I have an unhealthy chocolate addiction. I have an unhealthy food addiction.
My mother is under instructions to not give me or buy me any candy or sweets or unhealthy food. The fridge is stocked with plants to eat.
I don't want any of it.
I want to stuff my face with mac and cheese, chocolates, ice cream, caramel, cookies, anything except this gross healthy stuff in my house right now.

I used to live on salads. I used to eat lemons for lunch. What the freaking hell was wrong with me? Also, I'm kind of addicted to reading my old blog posts, from my first blog.
It's like reading an entirely different person's life.
I was HYSTERICAL, by the way. Also annoying and pathetic, but pretty damn funny.

What I Ate Today: A Compulsive Calculation

2 cornflake chicken tenderloins: 240
15 green beans: 35
Parfait (1/2 cup yogurt, 1/2 banana, 1 clementine, 10 rapsberries, 2/3 cup rice krispies): 198
1/4 cup skim milk: 20
1/3 bag of Panera potato chips: 50
Approximately 6 peanut butter chocolates: 150
3 Capri Suns: 180
Smidge of cranberry juice: 15

TOTAL: 888

I'm home for break, fatter than ever.
I've decided to try to go cold turkey off of candy and junk food (the potato chips and chocolates were left over from the weekend, and I was dying).
This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I'm doing spa night tonight, in preparation for DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So there's that. Waiting to be disappointed by my grades, as usual.

Fuck this.

How do I stop bingeing?

Psychiatrist.

I have an appointment with the school psychiatrist to discuss ADD/ADHD issues.
My meeting with the therapist went really well, and she wrote a recommendation for me to see the psychiatrist.
T-Minus 2 weeks until I go in. Right before Thanksgiving break.

My Thanksgiving will be on Wednesday, not Thursday. I've been scheduled to work ON Thanksgiving as well as on Black Friday, so just kill me now I guess.

You should all read this.

It's a short story called "The Fat Girl" by Andre Dubus.
Here's a link.
http://apelac3.edublogs.org/files/2012/03/The-Fat-Girl-297rfhc.pdf

This is my life, actually.

All Over the Place.

My head is spinning.
I can't handle personal relationships.
I just want to cry.
And punch something.
And cry some more.

Reorganization

Today I ate:
BREAKFAST
-1/2 grapefruit with 1 tablespoon of sugar (68)
-1 cup of orange juice (100)
-2 slices of toast with margarine  (210)
LUNCH
-Scrambled cheddar egg (1 large egg, 2 oz cheddar cheese, shredded, 2 tablespoons milk) (232)
-2 slices of toast with margarine (210)
-2 Snickers Peanut Butter Squares (260)
-2 Nutter Butters (130)
SNACK
-Inaccurate measurement of Doritos (90)
-1 Vitamin Water (120)
-1 bag of Jack Links Teriyaki Tender Bites (70)
DINNER (this is where shit hit the fan)
-McDonald's chocolate shake, no whipped cream (850)
-2 hamburgers, no pickles (500)
-10 piece chicken nuggets (470)
-1 oz. ketchup (10)
-1/2 large fries (255)
Total: 3,466


Holy crap that is so much food.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
I was doing really well until my night class, then got hamburger cravings. And gorged myself.
This is actually disgusts me.
I kind of hate myself a lot.



EDIT;
I just was looking back through my old blog entries and I realized.

I haven't purged since February.

8 months.
This is the longest I've gone without purging since 2011.
It makes me kind of sadhappy.

What's new.

A lot has been going on in my life.
I've been spending lots of my mother's money.
Mostly at Sephora.

I'm dating someone. For the first time in my life. His name is Mike. He's a ginger. He's really nice.
I'm working on getting treatment for my ADD/ADHD.
Hopefully Adderall.
I just want to be not stressed. I've been reading a lot about ADD/ADHD in women and how different it is from men.
And all of it is exactly how I've been feeling for a really long time, and I think to myself: why couldn't I have found this sooner?
I could have a 4.0 right now.

My plan is to really start restricting next Sunday, building myself up for it.
I have a lot of apples. Three grapefruits.
God.

Restricting

I think I'm going to try restricting. Maybe not tomorrow exactly.
Probably over my break (this coming weekend).

I like starting on Sundays. It's easy to sleep the day away.

Right now, I need to organize my life.
My room looks like a hurricane hit (it hasn't been this messy all year).
I have an essay due Thursday that I haven't even thought about.
My room looks like no longer looks like a bomb went off, and I rearranged things, and I'm finally doing laundry.

Help.

Wow.

I haven't hated myself this bad in a really long time.

Fuck.

Camp is over.

I go back to school today.

I lost 16 pounds at camp.
I feel pretty good.
I'm going to try to not let this school year get the best of me.


So far, I'm not doing too hot.

At camp...

I'm actually doing really okay right now.

Last weekend was pretty rough.
I had this awful low-self-esteem moment and cried for a really long time, and the next night I drove home (about 45 minutes) drunk at 5am.

So there's that.

But during the week, I'm good.
It's the weekends that get me.
I've lost like seven or eight pounds, which isn't ideal, but I'll take it over nothing. I guess.

I've gotten much better at canoeing, and I'm teaching swim lessons as well now.
I have a killer tan, which makes me look skinnier (I think.)

Love you guys. <3 Thanks for sticking with me even though I'm not good at keeping up with this.

4:30 pm

I learned today that I have to get a mouthguard because I grind my teeth at night.
Apparently, I'm very stressed.
It's going to cost almost $300.
And the stress level rises.


I won't be paying for it myself, but the glasses I just ordered yesterday cost my mom like $200.
I'm an expensive adult child.

I've lost four pounds since Monday, by restricting. I haven't been counting calories, I just haven't really been eating. It's too hot for that shit.

Last night was a lot of fun. It was interesting, anyway.


I need to clean my room.



I made my friend make me a pancake this morning afternoon. He made it with an entire TWO TABLESPOONS of butter. Possibly more.

I haven't eaten since. It hasn't been too long. I'm just not hungry. Like my brain is hungry but I'm making it shut up because I know it's not actually hungry.

Hot as BALLS.

I swear to God I know exactly what sweaty balls must feel like because I pretty much am one at this point. Time to shower and get ready for a night of raucous drinking. Woo.

I did eat a bowl of rice with ketchup. I know, weird. But I like the salt.
When I was making it I was like, "No, I don't want this... I don't even know why I'm making it."
And then it was done and smelled so good.

Only one bowl though. Maybe a cup and a half. Probably closer to two but let's aim low here, shall we?

Saving my calories for the liquids to come.
I should eat some more breadstuffs though... Don't want to puke.



A guy I used to have a huge crush on is coming tonight. With his girlfriend. I can't even hate him which makes me so mad. He's pretty much the nicest guy ever. We went through like 3 years after me having a crush on him when things were SO SO AWKWARD but now it's transformed into really good friends so cool. I'm cool with that.

Maybe.





I'm a terrible, horrible, no good very bad person. I'm a mean girl.

Whatever.

Dizzy.

I haven't eaten since 1am.
It's almost 3pm.
I've had a lot of caffeine.
Not enough.
I'm dragging.

I know I need to eat something soon. We're drinking tonight, so I have to eat something. Maybe some rice.

I feel dizzy.
Not like the bad kind of passing out dizzy.
But like the good dizzy, like a really clear high.





So there's this guy. I've known him for five years, and I hooked up with him up until this past fall. He's had a girlfriend all five years I've known him.
We work together over the summer.
It's so stupid. I hate him, but I don't. He's one of my really good friends and I like hanging out with him.
But then sometimes we get drunk and hands and mouths find each other and things happen.
And then I hate him again.



Goddamn I need a joint.

Finals week.

Pulling my second all-nighter in a row, for no real reason other than I can't sleep.

I finally tried Adderall. 10mg, not too much. A happy finals gift from my sorority grand-big sister. She gave me five and a half pills to get me through finals. I have one pill left, and I'm going to be sad when it's gone.

I've personally suspected for quite awhile now that I have ADD/ADHD. I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting tested this summer.
Also I love that it keeps me from fixating on food. And when I do eat, I get full really fast.


Not a whole lot new to report. My life is boring. Been smoking a lot of weed. Stole a grinder from a frat house. Best decision of my life so far.


Haven't weighed myself in quite some time.
I'm kind of scared to.


Also, it's funny, I just realized. I am three months purge-free. And it makes me feel really happy.

Life is like the most unfair bitch in the world.

All of my cousins, female, are fucking beautiful and thin and always have boyfriends and are going places in life.

And then there's me.
Fatty McFatpants over here.
Hi.


I'm just gonna go crawl in a hole..
I mean, to find one that fits my fat ass I'll have to find a sinkhole, but whatever.

11:16 pm

On the bright side, I'm actually really sick. Sickness equals no hunger. Woo.

What I Ate Today
-12 mini chocolate bunnies (200)
-6 flavored Tootsie Rolls (140)
-1 grilled cheese, American cheese, white bread, butter (300)
-1 large Cherry Icee from Burger King (170)
-1 hamburger, no pickles, also from Burger King (240)

Total: 1050

Gross.

I'm ready.

I'm ready to start slowly killing myself again.


Someone hand me a pen so I can sign my name on the dotted line.


What I Ate Today:
-Barbecue chicken (350)
-12 stalks of asparagus (130)
-2 pineapple rings (60)
-6 raspberries (6)
-4 strawberries (15)
-25 grapes (50)
-1 everything bagel thin (110)
-2 tbsp cream cheese (80)
-3 cups of tea (0)
-2 candy canes (100)
TOTAL: 901

Also went on a 20 minute walk with my mother. Which is about 100 calories burned.
Woo.



Fatass signing off.

I realized something today.

I absolutely HATE how I make myself feel. About myself.


I was looking through old pictures and stuff from high school (always a bad idea), and I looked really good but... Emotionally those were some of the worst years of my life. And I don't think I'd trade a single ounce of this fat that is layered over my body to go back to the mindset I was in junior year of high school through freshman year of college.

Being in college has taught me a few things.
1) There are always people that are around who are going to try to tear you down. For instance, I was leaving a bar a few weekends ago to go to another bar, and I was with one of my friends. Some rando kid said to me as he walked past me, "And you're a fat virgin." Good jokes cause I'm definitely not and have a pretty decent sex life at this point in my life.

2) For every person who will hurt you, there are two more waiting to help you pick up the pieces. I have three of the best friends of my entire life, the three girls in my pledge class. I can walk silently into a room and they will immediately know if something's wrong. There's no hiding from them.

3) There are definitely guys who are into fat chicks. I'm a little "Eh," on this one, mostly because I don't want to be a fat chick anymore. But there are absolutely 100% guys who prefer big girls. I know. I've met them.

It has taken years, sweat, blood, and tears to get to where I am right now. I'm not okay with my body, not even remotely. But the thought of starving or purging and hating myself and hating myself and hating myself just doesn't seem like what I want anymore.



I don't really know what this means.
But I'll let you know when I figure it out.

My undergraduate degree is finally coming together...

I only have 21 more credits to do to complete my degree.

I'm already planning my entire next year.
But what comes after senior year?
I'm scared.

Meow.

Thank you guys for all your support. I have a tendency to be a bit irrational sometimes. Well, all the time, really.

I went to the doctor today and she diagnosed me with strep and gave me antibiotics.

Of course this is after I threw up in the shower (unwillingly) while trying to brush my teeth.

WARNING THIS EXPLANATION PART IS REALLY GROSS SKIP AHEAD IF YOU'RE GROSSED OUT EASILY.
So, basically what happened was, I was brushing my tongue, and because my tonsils are so swollen they like attack my uvula when I try to brush my tongue. That happened, and I dry-heaved a bit. Then I actually threw up a bit. But as I was throwing up, the white stuff on my tonsils from strep had hardened, and it was like... Peeling off. I told ya. Gross. So here I am, in the shower, vomiting stomach acid and this nasty white stuff from my tonsils. One of the little white thingys came like halfway off my tonsils and kept poking at my uvula, so I kept gagging and puking. 
OKAY GROSS PART OVER YOU CAN CONTINUE HERE.

So, coming from someone who willingly has stuck her fingers down her throat an impossibly high number of times, throwing up when out of my control honestly makes me break down and sob.
Like, not when I've had too much to drink, because that needs to happen. But like, stomach flu and stuff like what happened this morning? I am reduced to bawling.


Now I have antibiotics, and I think they're starting to kick in because there's a lot less white stuff on my tonsils. They still hurt, but I think they hurt more because of the white stuff coming off and the skin (is it skin? tissue?) underneath being raw. So, I can't drink juice because it's too acidic and hurts. Also I've been maxing out on pain meds the past few days I should probably chill with that.

Haven't weighed myself recently, but my appetite is back. Things still taste kind of weird.
On another note, I now have a car! No more walking 30 minutes up an 80 degree incline to school!

Love you guys. Thanks so much for always being here <3

Updates..

So I think I was being a bit irrational last night.

Today it just looks like I bit my lip in a couple different places, or my lips were really chapped.
You know when you cut like inside your lip and it turns kinda white cause it won't scab over cause like wet mouth-y-ness? That's what it looks like. Like two little white lines, right in between where one of my teeths is.

But I'm pretty sure I at least have strep.
Appetite is starting to come back though. Kill me now.

I'm really scared.

Like absolutely petrified.

I hooked up with two guys this past week, and now I'm really sick. I'm really worried that I have herpes in my mouth and throat.

At first I just thought it was strep, but then I was washing my face tonight, and I have a tiny blister-like thing on my lip.
I'm praying to God it's just chapped lips. Please oh please. Please.



On the bright side, I've lost six pounds from being sick. Yay me.

Decisions...

I have to start making decisions. And soon.

I'm currently making a meal plan when I have to be ready to go in four hours. No sleep?



I have to decide what I want to focus my major on. I think I've decided, as of tonight. I'm going to do a concentration in creative writing.
Fiction.

I was reading some of my old work and like... Shit. I used to be pretty good. Like, some of it could use some major tweaking but the ideas are gold.

But what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Note to all the boys in the world.

For the record:

If a girl is talking to you and she took the time out of her day to text/message you first, you probably shouldn't take the time out of your conversation to talk about another girl and say that that other girl is "such a sweetheart."



That's all.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I eat and eat and eat.

I'm back up to 224, but I'm pretty stable here.
I want to be down to 200 by the summer I think.



I mean, I really want to be down to 160 by the summer, but we all know that won't happen.
I don't have any willpower.
I don't go to the gym.
My metabolism is fucked.

Last night, I vomited through my nose.
Not like, trying to purge or anything, just sometimes I get really bad heartburn if I have too much ketchup, chocolate, greasy food, or dairy (all of which comprise the majority of my diet), and I kind of puked a little.
And because I was leaning over the sink, washing my face, it came out my nose.


Gross.
I'm gross.

I am immense.

I take up massive amounts of space.

All I want to do is shrink myself so that I don't take up more than a square inch.

I want to be a tiny dust speck.

Who am I?

Today I ate:
-8 slices of cheddar cheese (114)
-2 Snickerdoodle cookies (250)
-1 piece of toast with 1/2 tablespoon of butter and cinnamon sugar (110)
-1/2 grilled cheese sandwich (250)
-1 cup chicken noodle soup (87)
-15 Edamame beans (50)
-2 lollipops (120)
-1 cup of hot chocolate (80)

Total: 1061

I didn't eat from midnight to noon, then didn't eat again from noon to 10:30. I barely drank any water today, and for like 3 hours I was dancing pretty intensively.

I hope I lose weight tomorrow.

I'm so exhausted I don't even feel like a real person.

Why.

I don't get it.
I don't get why everything always goes to shit.
And I'm always alone.
I'm sick of always going to bed alone.


I am so fucking tired of going to bed alone.




And I need someone here who, when I say, "I don't want to talk about it," or "I'm fine, just not feeling good," knows that I really need them to stay with me.





I'm scared of myself.
I'm so scared of myself.

I can't.

Every single guy I know is in love with one of my best friends. Like, literally every guy who meets her instantly falls in love with her.

And it kind of blows.

Disappearing Charlie.

Hi. I know I've kind of disappeared a little bit recently.

I'm sorry.

Things are kind of hectic right now. I just got back for spring semester, and recruitment for my sorority started this week, and I've been auditioning for a play (ended up with a bullshit part and quit today, long story short), and all of my classes are ridiculously hard.


So there's that.
I lost two of the three pounds I gained over break.
Mostly because I only eat one meal a day (usually consisting of curly fries, three chicken tenders, two cheese sticks, a soda, and a Cadbury bar). And partially because I have to walk a mile to school uphill every day.
In the snow.

My parents are working on getting me my first car right now. My mom says that they're close, but she won't tell me how close. I think they're going to try to surprise me somehow, but who knows. Could be a week, could be a month.
I hope it's soon. Waking up at 6:00 AM to get up for my 8:00 AM lab really sucks. If I had a car, I could get up at 7:30 AM.




I'll try to be a real person soon. I promise.

I feel weird.

Two months purge free?

Well, up until last night, I WAS two months purge-free, going into my third month.

Last night I got really drunk (not crazy drunk, but pretty damn drunk, like to the point where I was able to be social and talk to people and not be an awko-taco), and we went to McDonald's and I had a hamburger, twenty piece nuggets, and large sweet tea (half-sweet, half-unsweetened). I didn't really eat much else yesterday, just a bacon omelette and some chips and salsa, so I was pretty much drinking on an empty stomach, which usually spells bad news for me but I was surprisingly fine as of last night.

So anyway, we get back to the dorm, and I think about throwing up. I go pee, and I was feeling a little nauseous.

I've been debating with myself as to if last night broke my no-purging streak and I decided it does for the following reasons:
-I probably could have just gone to bed and not throw up.
-Although it did make me feel significantly better, it was not urgent or my body's reaction, I had to physically make myself throw up.
-That was a pretty monstrous binge and I didn't really want it in my stomach.


This morning, before I left, I stopped at McDonald's again. This morning I was feeling a little weird, possibly hungover, but without the headache, just the nausea. I figured it was because my stomach was so empty and it hasn't been used to being empty (you know, like hunger-related nausea?) so I got three hamburgers, a small fry, and a small chocolate shake. I got two burgers down, a few fries, and the shake, and they made me feel even worse. Mind you, this is an hour drive, I was maybe fifteen minutes into it.

So I finally got home, shat my brains out (TMI, maybe, this made me feel less nauseous though) and went to lay down, then immediately got up, stuck my fingers down my throat, and a lot of stuff came out, despite having been "digesting" for almost an hour (I'm convinced that I don't metabolize food like a normal person anymore).

I'm a little shaky now, but I feel a lot better after purging. I'm counting it. So now I start over counting the purge-free days.


I think I might try to eat that last hamburger now.

"And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved."

In this past week I have gained approximately 5 pounds (haven't weighed myself in about three days so not 100% on this but I'm nearly sure it's about 5 pounds) and I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

Thank you guys so much for your comments, they mean so much to me.
Having to put my dog down was really hard, not so much because it was my birthday, but because that dog has been a part of my life for the last 13 years.

We haven't had a house without dogs since 1995. Which is a pretty fucking long time.

When I get back to school I need to get serious about losing weight. Every day except Thursday, my earliest class is 11, so those days I can go run in the morning and still have time to get ready. It's gonna suck, but I'm gonna try.

I'm going to visit my friend at her university tomorrow, and it should be fun. We're gonna get real shitty. I made Skittles vodka for the occasion, and I even bought decent vodka to make it with.
Maybe it'll be kind of fun...

Today.

Today was my 21st birthday.
Today I bought my first legal alcohol.
Today I ate
-1 bacon and 2 egg omelette
-3 waffles
-1 donut
-1 turkey sandwich
-20 barbeque potato chips
-1 extra large piece of ice cream cake
Today I weighed 222.6.
Today we put my dog down, and it was one of the hardest things ever.



That's all.

Sorry.

I'm going to be a bit MIA this week, mostly because I'm home for the week before spring semester starts. And partially because it's my birthweek, and I turn 21 on Monday (which I know to some of you, you're like "21? Big fucking deal," but it means I can finally legally drink, so yay).

I'm still reading, and I'm gonna try to comment on your posts (I know I write terrible comments, I'm sorry), but I make absolutely no promises as to how much I will be posting this week.

Love you all.

Bingeface McGee

Is what everyone should call me from now on.
I'm so ashamed of everything I ate yesterday I couldn't bring myself to write it all down, because when I write it all down, I can't help but count up the calories and I know it was upwards of 5,000 at least.

Yesterday my weight was 220.4, leading me to believe that my scale was previously wrong when it recorded me at 219.whatever. Today it was 221.8 which is almost 222 which is almost halfway to 300.
Like, holy shit I am so fat.


Nothing so far today, but it's only 11AM. My mom is coming to bring me home today, I have a weeklong break. Read: one week of monumental bingeing where I can hide and no one questions me. Wouldn't be surprised if I came back at 300 pounds, to be honest.
I'm gonna make her buy me frozen yogurt before we leave town.

#fatass

Holy shit.

I ate like a fatass today, what else is new. Food diary to follow after this revelation.
I've been looking at pictures from me at my lowest weight and HOLY SHIT. Like I certainly wasn't skinny, but comparing myself now to back then I kind of actually hate myself. Like I was one of the girls I would be jealous of now. I found a picture that back then I detested I thought I looked fat as shit. My stomach looks almost flat. I mean, obviously we all know it never has been, but IT LOOKS LIKE IT.





Food today:
-About a thousand dark chocolate covered pomegranate thingies (350)
-1 turkey sandwich (215)
-Handful of sweet potato chips (120)
-White roasted potatoes (100)
-1 1/2 tablespoons ketchup (30)
-1 Rocky Road Klondike bar (230)
-1 glass of milk (100)

Total: 1025

So, I guess not terrible, but not great either.
I wish I could say that the whole "eating dinner" thing is just so people don't get suspicious, but I'm not going to lie to the only people in my life who are 100% honest with me 100% of the time. I ate everything because my mouth craved it, and the only reason I didn't go back for seconds was because there were no more potatoes left.
I am gross.

Surprises.

Thank you guys. You're always so supportive, even when I'm a hot bingeing mess. I woke up (at 11:30, today is my day off), and weighed myself.
I had to weigh myself six or seven times to make sure the scale wasn't off, but I'm back down to 219.4.
Even after the two beers I had last night.


Hopefully I'll be able to not binge for the rest of the day and go to bed hungry.

I am the fattest of pigs.

-1 package of chicken-flavored ramen noodles (380)
-1 package of Krave (210)
-4 pancakes (344)
-A lot of syrup (115)
-1 everything bagel (280)
-4 tablespoons of cream cheese (196)
-2 glasses of milk (200)
-1 1/2 glass of orange juice (180)

Total: 1905


That's the highest calorie count I've had since the weekend.

Dear God.

8:01 PM

So I didn't get to weight myself. I went downstairs and had two pieces of fake buttered toast with cinnamon sugar (200) and a glass of milk (110) anyway. So I guess that's a disgustingly huge 1510. Wow.

@Sammy Sam Sam; cinnamon sugar is basically like 1 part cinnamon, two parts granulated sugar. It's heavenly. The reason that the sweet potato rolls are so high is because the sweet potato is fried in tempura before it's made so it's like deep fried sweet potato in a rice and seaweed wrap. The quinoa pizza bites are actually like, REALLY good, surprisingly. And if I had a car and money, I would binge on hamburgers and chicken nuggets and ice cream everyday. But I'm pretty much landlocked to my house or school.

You guys are all great, I love your comments so much. <3


I'm going to try my hardest not to weigh myself again tonight. All I want to do is go downstairs and binge binge binge. I want a bagel with loads of cream cheese, and ramen noodles, and sugary cereal and a turkey sandwich, and chicken nuggets, and a milkshake, and all of the chocolate in the world. Ugh.

7:16 PM

As of RIGHT NOW, I have consumed a whopping total of 1200 calories today.
-1 piece of toast (60)
-1/2 tablespoon fake butter (30)
-Smidge of cinnamon sugar (10)
 -2 sweet potato tempura rolls (277 each)
-1 cucumber roll (136)
-Maybe 20 edamame beans (estimating here at 49? If anyone really knows, please tell me!)
-1 large chai tea (140) with whipped cream (24)
-1 large M&M and chocolate chip cookie (200)

Gross.
After eating sushi, I was so full I thought I was going to puke... Like actually puke, not like I want to purge.

Speaking of purging, I haven't purged since Thanksgiving, which is a really long time for me. As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 months of no purging, officially. :) I'm gonna weigh myself, I think, and based on that weight I'll decide if I'm going to have another piece of toast or not.

To eat or not to eat.

That is always, always, ALWAYS the question. I think I am going to have dinner, even though I just weighed myself and I weighed in at 222.2 (FREAKING AGAIN I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THIS NUMBER).

Today I ate:
-10 baby carrots
-1 cupcake
-1 brownie (with cupcake frosting)
-1 tortilla chip with 1 tsp salsa
-Frozen yogurt with a shit ton of awful stuff on top
-1 and 2/3 pieces of pepperoni-bacon pizza


Which for a Sunday is a lot.

My scale was fucking up this morning telling me I was up at 223.8 and I freaked out and probably weighed myself about fifteen to twenty times. I switched it from lbs to kg and back and it went back down to 221, but it was scary as all hell. Like I knew it couldn't be right because I know I didn't eat like 14,000 calories, but I wanted to strangle something.

Binge Monstah.

That's what I am.
Yesterday I ate...
-Tons of cheese cubes
-5 crackers
-2 pieces of pineapple
-1 cookie
-5 mini bags of Cadbury Eggs
-2 slices of pizza with bacon and pepperoni
-Bacon and pepperoni picked off of aforementioned pizza
-7 or 8 quinoa pizza bites (quinoa, egg, mozzarella cheese, spices) with pizza dipping sauce
-3 cups of skim milk

Obviously, I gained weight, and I'm back up to 221.4, but I'm not beating myself up. Because this means that my "stable" weight is 221, approximately, which means I can get back down in a matter of maybe a day.

For my birthday (which is a week from Monday, yay!) I want to be hovering around 215-216. Maybe a bit of a stretch, I'd be cool with 217 too.

Dear God.

I feel like I already titled a post with that, but whatever.

So last night, I was obviously drunk and obviously not high.
My stomach was rebelling from all the food I ate yesterday apparently, and I was shitting every fifteen minutes. Crazy stomach cramps and whatnot. I know, TMI, but whatevs.
So I went home early with one of my sisters (early being like... 12:30 AM) because I didn't feel great and diarrhea+fraternity bathroom+no toilet paper is an absolute NO.
We came home, and I went to the bathroom, and my sister made food (leftover mac and cheese). When I got down, she offered me some, and was absolutely SHOCKED when I said no. Obviously, that didn't last and I ended up having maybe 10-12 bites of mac and cheese and one tortilla chip.

Long story short, I have to go to a sister's swim meet right now, I'll edit this and elaborate later, but I woke up at 218.6! Hallelujah, praise the gods, this is a good day.

1:56 AM

So after drinking, I still weigh the same as after I ate dinner, so hopefully the number won't be too high tomorrow when I wake up.

I literally hate everyone and all of the fucking promises they all break and I just want to snap someone's neck. I think I could do it if I tried.

3:36 PM

Today I woke up officially at 8:00. Weighed 220.4, which was nice considering my 3 AM weight.
My roommate convinced me to go with her to the dining hall and I had
-1 cup of water (0)
-1 hamburger, with bun, ketchup, and mustard (250)
-13 french fries, also with ketchup (245)
-1 soft serve chocolate cone (177)
-1/2 rice krispie treat (45)

That total is 717 which is a whole fucking lot I know.

That plus dinner and alcohol is gonna equal a major weight gain.

But I weighed myself an hour ago (so maybe 3 hours after eating?) and I weighed 219.4. I had to get on and off several times to be sure, but that's what it said.
So maybe not. If I can control myself at dinner.

3:29 AM

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning all night with weird dreams. I wake up almost every hour on the hour.

I don't know why. I ate like the fat ass I am yesterday.
Weighed in at 222.2 about an hour ago. Gross.

I went to the doctor today. With all my clothes, on the fancy doctor scale, I weighed 224. I was mortified.


Also I've been chewing at the inside of my cheek. It's starting to hurt, so maybe I should stop.


What I ate yesterday:
-1 Snickers bar (250)
-1 bag of Fritos (310)
-1 bag of peanut M&Ms (250)
-1 1/2 cups of white rice (309)
-1/2 cup ketchup (134)
-1 yogurt (80)
-1 1/2 cups skim milk (135)


Total: 1468




Holy shit.
That is so much.


I'm going to try to save all my calories for dinner tonight, we're having mac and cheese, which is one of my biggest weaknesses, and also a party, so I have to eat if I don't want to puke... But I don't know if I want to drink that much either. I don't have money for more liquor, and I have maybe a quarter of a bottle of coconut rum left (I like rum and club soda... so good, and the only calories are from the rum), I definitely am not drinking beer, because ugh. Maybe I'll drink my rum, then once I get to the party I'll just smoke. Deal.

72

I have 72 pounds to go before I'm finally at a "healthy" category BMI... I've never been there before. I've been three pounds away close, but I've never quite been there.

Bleh.

I had four pieces of curry chicken tonight and about two bites of rice. Water with dinner, and two bruschetta toasts (minus the tomatoey bruschetta part). Right now I'm making peanut butter cookies because I was craving something sweet... It was either peanut butter cookies or go to the store and drown myself in ice cream.
I think I chose the better option.

Plus I can leave these cookies for other people to eat.

Fatten these bitches up.

Slowly dying.

I hate being sick. Especially when it gets to my throat, because then I can't sing. And singing/playing the guitar are the only things that consistently make me happy every single time.

@PrettyLies; For the month of January, I only have one class from 9 to about 11 every day except Wednesday, so I have way too much free time. I spend most of it sleeping though. :)
@Sam Lupin; I can't even handle you. Your comments make me giggle hysterically and I think people think there's something wrong with me. ;) With what I binged last night, I might as well be a giant fucking cookie monster too haha.



So yesterday, here is what I ate:
-Egg
-Toast
-Yogurt
-Chips and homemade salsa
-Chicken noodle soup
-Froyo with shittyawful, calorie-filled toppings

And then I got high...
-1 and 1/2 bagels with cream cheese
-Like 1/4 of a cheesecake
-2 pieces of bacon
-A turkey&bacon sandwich, white bread, mayo
-Tons and tons of orange juice


Before my bingefest, I weighed 222.4, in clothing. After, I weighed 225.6, in clothing.
I barely slept at all last night, so I was worried about the scale this morning. Luckily it was 221.4. So I don't have to hate myself quite as much today. I think I'm going to go have another can of chicken noodle soup (120) and try my best not to count the calories in orange juice today.

I am a giant binge monster.

Also I can't sleep because my nose is so stuffed up.

Brrrr.

It's really cold today. So cold, that after walking home from class, my inner ears hurt from breathing out of my mouth. And that's because I'm sick and can't breathe from my nose. Ugh.

Thank you all for your beautiful comments! They were absolutely lovely and very surprising and made me smile. :) Yes, living in my sorority house is kind of a bitch because, well, girls. But it's not nearly as bad as some other people probably have it. Only about 17 or 18 people can live in my house (we're a small chapter), and during the month of January only about 10 people are living here. There's only one other girl who's about my size, one who's just a smidge smaller than me, and the rest are all tiny.

As I type this, I have just finished making breakfast: one egg, scrambled, with salt, pepper, and herbes de Provence (70), a single slice of toast with 1/2 tablespoon of fake butter (90), tea and water (both 0). Earlier I had half a cup of apple juice to take my pills with.. So that puts me at 220 at 10:00 AM, which is kind of a lot... But the girl who is my size just ate approximately 2 cups of fried rice and two pieces of toast, each with a tablespoon of butter. So that made me feel good while I sipped my tea.

I think when I wake up from my nap, I'll have a yogurt (80) and we'll see how I feel about eating from there. The more I stay in my room, the less I eat. The less I eat, the more attractive I become.

Daylight.

Today I have had about 406 calories.

-4 Valentine lollipops (104)

-8 bites of homemade pizza (260)

-1/2 small banana (36)

-6 raspberries (6)

Plus orange juice, but I think I'm going to avoid counting that because I'm sick and need the vitamin C..

I'm waiting for my sorority sisters to come home.. They said they would bring me back froyo, but I don't know what kind or how much or what toppings and I only have 394 calories left for the day...

Edit:

Here's what I ended up with:

Coffee and plain swirl frozen yogurt, with cookie dough, cheesecake pieces, Oreo pieces, M&Ms, mini peanut butter cups, and chocolate syrup, and probably more stuff I can't see.

Ugh. All right, nothing else the rest of tonight, and potentially a 24 hour fast after I finish this.

Smoke&Eat&Sleep

All my life has been for the month of January has been smoke, eat, sleep, repeat. I'm starting to cut out the eating. I had an "I'm going crazy, and oh my God I can't fall back asleep, might as well drink gallons of Diet Coke and watch the sun rise."
Luckily, for the month of January, I only have one class to go to.
And it only meets Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. So it works.

I'm going to hit a brick wall once I start the semester for real though.

I'm living in a new place, my sorority house. It's nice, because our house mom isn't allowed to really buy junk food. On the downside, there is a fully stocked kitchen that now I can't stop thinking about.

Goddammit.