Thursday, April 3, 2014

I realized something today.

I absolutely HATE how I make myself feel. About myself.

I was looking through old pictures and stuff from high school (always a bad idea), and I looked really good but... Emotionally those were some of the worst years of my life. And I don't think I'd trade a single ounce of this fat that is layered over my body to go back to the mindset I was in junior year of high school through freshman year of college.

Being in college has taught me a few things.
1) There are always people that are around who are going to try to tear you down. For instance, I was leaving a bar a few weekends ago to go to another bar, and I was with one of my friends. Some rando kid said to me as he walked past me, "And you're a fat virgin." Good jokes cause I'm definitely not and have a pretty decent sex life at this point in my life.

2) For every person who will hurt you, there are two more waiting to help you pick up the pieces. I have three of the best friends of my entire life, the three girls in my pledge class. I can walk silently into a room and they will immediately know if something's wrong. There's no hiding from them.

3) There are definitely guys who are into fat chicks. I'm a little "Eh," on this one, mostly because I don't want to be a fat chick anymore. But there are absolutely 100% guys who prefer big girls. I know. I've met them.

It has taken years, sweat, blood, and tears to get to where I am right now. I'm not okay with my body, not even remotely. But the thought of starving or purging and hating myself and hating myself and hating myself just doesn't seem like what I want anymore.

I don't really know what this means.
But I'll let you know when I figure it out.


  1. nooooooooo i like you being happy(er) and fat rather than emotionally corrupt bby
    by the way your Father's an ass. i read your blog many times and i always just end up laughing whenever Mr XXXXXXXL comes on. what a man.
    ah. bby.
    i have loads of fat people calling me fat. i never hear it from a skinny minnie, but i hear it from fat people all the time. "don't get any fatter or else you'll look unattractive." "you have the worst ass ever." "you virtually have no tits but you have huge thighs." whatever man whatever.
    "For every person who will hurt you, there are two more waiting to help you pick up the pieces." YES. YES. YES. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THIS.
    i do too. in fact, i was walking with these two girls one day and i said i was wearing my fat sweater. aka the sweater that makes me look fat. and then the two girls said that skinnies weren't attractive anyway and that curves were in. i was just smiling. they're so lovely.
    please do honey. please do.
    i love you much.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I don't even know what I want to say; I just wanted to leave a comment. <3


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