Failure and old friends

So the guy from over the summer? The nineteen year old?
A few weeks ago he came to visit and we got drunk, and we made out.
Quite honestly I don't think I could even imagine fucking him.
But I like making out with people.


I have a scale now. And the scale tells me I've gained 10 lbs since August.
Which is disgusting.
Which is awful.
Which will take me far too long to lose again.

I had to cancel my weight loss doctor appointment last week due to car trouble.
Thank God. I don't know what I would do if the scale was up from the last time I was there.
Probably cry.
And then go eat a pint of ice cream.

Anne, I'm so glad to hear from you. It's been a long time. There's not many people left from the "old days" (back eight years ago, if that counts as "old days"), so it's really nice to reconnect.

Today I Ate:
1/2 cup cranberry juice (55)
1 Red Delicious apple (80)
1 granola bar (150)
1 iced coffee (120)
Teriyaki chicken, broccoli, and red pepper stir-fry (306)
Total: 711

I didn't work out today, which kind of sucked. But I worked almost 8 hours, which will be nice come paycheck time. I have so much work for school piled up, I just know it's going to be a rough weekend.

I've gained about five or six pounds since August.
I would have been working out all this week, but a foot injury set me out of the game for awhile. (Crutches blow, by the way.)



Need to lose weight.
Need to not be fat.

I need to weigh myself.
I haven't actually weighed myself since the doctor's appointment last week.
Which seems like not that long ago, but it feels like forever.
Last week all of my clothes were starting to feel tight (because I've been eating crap for a month straight without working out), but I got my period on Friday and it seems like it's all back to normal.
I worked out last week and did 5 miles on the elliptical, which is something I've never done in my life before.


But I am a gigantic monster... Especially after everything that went on this weekend.

Between booze and weed and coke and molly and people I haven't seen in a long time, it was interesting and fun and a total fucking mess all rolled into one.

I've been using those stupid dating apps like Tinder and Bumble recently, just because I have no friends in the town where I live.
I like having people to talk to, even if half the time the conversation ends up just dick pics.

Life musings.

I want to live in a Victorian-style house on top of a hill.
I want to keep bees and sell honey for fun.
I want a two miniature donkeys and a whole bunch of chickens and ducks.
I want to work and live near a small town.
I want to have solar panels covering my whole roof.
I want tiny nooks and crannies and history and character.
I want big rooms painted in pastel colors and huge windows to let the light in.
I want to marry someone who I love and who loves me.
I want an understated engagement ring and a gauzy, ethereal dress.
I want a small wedding.
I want a fun reception.
I want to hike the Appalachian Trail for my honeymoon.
I want poppies in my bouquet and I want my bridesmaids to wear grey.
I want to never have to worry about money, but I don't care to be a millionaire.
I want to adopt a kid, and maybe have one or two of my own.
I want to live in the sun.
I want to eat like a normal human being and not fuck up my kids.
I want to weigh 125lbs.
I want to be strong.

Yikes

I'm supposed to get my period this weekend

But I don't waaaaannnnaaaaaaa






Cue intense ice cream eating fit.

Expansion is imminent.

I have stopped losing weight like I was over the summer.
Which is normal.
Which is natural.
Which is disappointing.

It also probably has something to do with my affinity for brownie ice cream.

I have gained weight.

I don't have a scale, but I can tell.
My shorts feel tight today.
Maybe it has something to do with the pizza and McDonald's and ice cream I've been eating all week long.

I have an appointment with the weight loss doctor on Tuesday... Need to be back down. Need to.

Slowly.

So last week I went on an epic McDonald's binge.
And what I mean by that is every night for dinner I had just a shit ton of McDonald's.
Somehow, I managed to not gain any weight. The last time I weighed myself (yesterday), I weighed in at 204.5, which is 2lbs lighter than this past weekend. I have an appointment with the weight loss doctor in less than two weeks (September 20), and I really want to be 195 for it. That would be so wonderful.

Here is a grand list of all the food I currently have in the house.
FRIDGE:
-Coconut milk
-Orange juice
-Mayo
-Ketchup
-Salad dressing
-Eggs (probably need to be tossed soon)
-Shredded cheddar cheese
-Block cheddar cheese
-Leftover tuna salad (1/4 cup)
-2 Granny Smith apples
-Six pack of Landshark (minus one)

CUPBOARD
-Protein shake mix
-Loaf of wheat bread
-Four cans of condensed tomato soup
-Box of protein bars
-One can of tuna
-Small jar of crunchy peanut butter

Had a small infestation of fruit flies that led me to throwing out all the veggies and fruits I had left from shopping last week. I didn't even open half of it. I think I would really like to make chicken salad at some point this week. I have no desire to cook and very little desire to eat because of how much I despise doing dishes. Which is actually what I'm supposed to be doing right now. In an effort to rid myself of the fruit flies, I have been making plans to scrub my entire apartment with bleach. I finally pulled the bleach out of the cupboard, so that's progress, right?

I also have managed to snag a job. It's minimum wage, 10-12 hours a week, but at least it's a job, right? I'm lifeguarding at the local YMCA and teaching swim lessons. This Y is even smaller and even less busy than the YMCA I guarded at over the summer. During my four hour shift today, I spent at least a full hour organizing our equipment room, because no one was in the pool.
Aside from being non-strenuous work (I literally just sit on my ass and listen to music while old people swim laps), the bonus perk of working for the YMCA is the free membership.

My shift was so slow today, I had time to make a weekly workout schedule, with swimming, cardio and strength training. I've also been doing yoga every day (or as close to every day as I can get). My ultimate goal is to be exercising 2-4 hours per day, depending on the day. Normally I just throw myself into workout routines and end up hurting so bad that I don't continue them, but I am going to take it slow this time. Maybe start with 2 hours per day, and work my way up. I really enjoy being physically fit, and I haven't swam since camp ended (3 weeks ago today). I was racking up mad time swimming, to the point where I would take my hour long break and swim the entire time. My fitness level hasn't been this high in a really long time. I can do (modified) pushups now! And in terms of yoga, I've been working on my headstands for the past month and I'm actually making progress.

In terms of food, I know that I haven't been eating as much as I probably should. Between not wanting to do dishes and not really having a ton of food in the house, I go pretty far between "meals". I know that I do probably need to eat more, but I've seen so much progress this summer with my weight and my fitness that it honestly just makes me want to eat less. Also helps that my prescriptions majorly dull any food cravings I may have. They definitely don't make me "not hungry" because I can feel my stomach rumbling a lot, but no food I can think of seems appetizing. I may go out and get some ice cream tonight, because fuck it. I really need to bring my scale back to my apartment, and get some new batteries for it, so I can actually keep track. I hate not knowing what I weigh and having to make an estimate of how bloated and gross I am based on how my clothes fit.

I went and visited one of my pledge sisters last weekend, really spur of the moment, to get drunk and do what we do. When I made it, she was already hammered, and she kept going on and on about how great I looked and how skinny I looked. It made me feel really good, because I HAVE lost a lot of weight since I last saw her (about 25-30lbs?). It makes me just want to keep losing weight until it's all gone.

This has been a really long post. Sorry about that. It's been awhile since I've actually written anything of substance on here. If you've made it this far, congratulations. I'm going to go do some work that I've been putting off forever. XO

Graduate School

Grad school has begun. Huzzah.
I am already overwhelmed and wondering why I decided to do this crazy thing.
I don't have internet in my apartment yet, so I have been squandering the data on my phone and traipsing around town to find internet. The free library is just around the corner from my apartment, which is nice (that's where I am now).
Campus, particularly the building I have class in, is a little over a mile away. I've had to walk the past couple of days because my car has been in the shop, but I just got a call that it is finally fixed! My mom is coming to pick me up tonight to go grab it before my class at 7:00.

I should be finishing my work for class tonight, but I keep getting distracted. I wish I had a couch to sit on instead of this hard chair.

I need to buy a ton of things (including a scale, or simply batteries for my old scale), but I am currently broke. Here's hoping one of the many job applications I've submitted pulls through. I need a paycheck again.

Slowly expanding.

I can feel myself gaining weight the longer I sit at home.
Granted, it's only been three days, and the scale (still) hasn't changed.
But I can feel it.

When I was at the weight loss doctor today, she asked me, "Do you see a difference in the mirror?"

Answer: No. I never see a difference in the mirror. I see no difference at 250lbs (where I was back in April) than I did when I was at 150lbs (when I was 17 and starving myself).
I can see the difference in pictures. I can see the difference in the way my clothes fit.
But no. I cannot see a difference in the mirror.


Some days I have good days, days when I look in the mirror and I think I look nice.
Some days are bad days, where I look like the fattest person in the whole world.

So there's that.

Nothing.

No weight loss this past week, despite 45+ minutes of swimming per day and eating so little that dizziness just became normal.
The past two nights have just been a binge-fest of McDonald's and beer.

My friend and I talked. He told me that the second half of the summer had sucked because I hated him so much. I told him that I didn't hate him, but that it really hurt my feelings when he ditched me for the girl he was trying to bone.
And then we apologized and hung out for a long time.
Last night we were drinking with a couple of coworkers and got wicked drunk. We were cuddling like we used to, before the girl changed our friendship. It was nice but then it was weird. He was running his hands up and down my arms and legs and just generally feeling me up. But nothing happened, and I don't even think that I wanted anything to happen. Like I said, weird.


Tomorrow I'm going to have to get back into not eating. I have a few protein shakes leftover from before the summer, so I guess I'll just have those for the most part.

Cleanliness

There's a girl who works at camp with me. She is quite big, bigger than I am (and I'm pretty fucking fat, let me tell you), and is just generally a negative person.
I remember a comment that Bella left about people with EDs and showering infrequently. I honestly don't know that I've ever witnessed this girl actually take a shower this summer. She has been spoken to a lot by our head of area and assistant director about her hygiene, but refuses to do anything to change. It's actually really gross and a little bit sad, and I wonder if it has anything to do with her weight. I mean, I shower very infrequently (this past week, I went Sun-Thurs without taking a shower, as in I took a shower on Sunday and didn't shower again until Thursday), but I work at the lake, and I'm in and out of the water constantly. I even wash my hair in the lake sometimes.

I don't know why I'm bringing this up. Just thinking about a lot of things, I guess.

Getting closer.

I am six pounds away from having lost 50 lbs since April. Six pounds away from being back to under 200 lbs. I'd like to be under 200 lbs by the time I get to the end of camp (next week), and definitely under 200 by the time I get to my next appointment at the weight loss doctor (two weeks). The biggest problem is going to be continuing to be active and not eating very much when I leave camp.
It's going to be harder because I will have my own apartment, but easier because I will have very little money.

I will live on protein shakes and work so much and go to school so much that I won't have time to eat.



But now I am hungry.
On the weekends, I feast. And I am STARVING. It's time for dinner.

Yet again, I manage to make myself look like the biggest idiot in the world.

I'd been hanging out with one of my guy friends from work all summer. He's nineteen, I'm twenty-three, but we've always been really good friends. We always took our nights off together and hung out on our breaks at night and such. We're pretty close, and sometimes we would get pretty touchy-feely, mostly just to make other people uncomfortable, because it didn't make us uncomfortable. He told his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) that I was his best friend at the camp where we work.
We took a night off together that was just us, making jokes that it was a "date", and we went bowling, got ice cream, and went to eat it on this pier nearby, to watch the moon and the stars near the lake. As we were sitting there, he was talking to me about how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Here is a short list of things he told me that night:
-His girlfriend was super needy, and he didn't really like that
-He didn't miss her at all (she lives two hours away)
-He couldn't talk to her and have an intelligent conversation with her
-He wanted to be with someone who is one of his best friends, who he can see himself being with for a long time
Stupid me, here I am thinking that he's referring to me. At first it made me a little uncomfortable. I was thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons of actually liking him, and it turns out he was actually talking about a different girl we work with who is tiny and skinny and pretty and to be honest, kind of a fucking cunt.
Last weekend, he drove two hours to break up with his girlfriend, then spent the rest of the weekend with the girl. And has spent most of his time with her ever since.
First of all, I feel so fucking stupid.
Second of all, I don't know whether I'm more upset that he likes her and not me, or that he spends all of his time with her now and I miss my friend.

I'm really sad.
I've considered purging multiple times this week. Most meals I barely eat anything. One of my campers started to notice this week. I was up and down getting food for my kids and I was asking if anyone wanted seconds on something, and she looked at me and said, "Yes, but only if you promise to sit down and eat after you get it."
It kind of made me want to cry.
I've cried myself to sleep several nights this summer.
I am pathetic.

Going on week 5

This coming Sunday marks the 5th week (of 7) of my summer at camp.

As of right now, I have lost about 38 lbs since April.
Which is not enough.



Feed me, Seymour.

Exhaustion.

I've dropped another five pounds, which makes it 25 total that I have lost since the end of May/beginning of April.
I've been restricting a lot this week, but not consciously. We're in our final days at the school, so my days have been filled with cleaning and organizing and throwing things away. Even at night, I have paperwork to fill out and things to make (I hand-wrote about 70 cards to my kids and staff in one night. Not mandatory, but something I knew I would feel bad about if I didn't do). I don't think I've had more than 4 hours of sleep each night this week, no naps during the day like usual... I can feel myself on the verge of getting sick. Is this what a full time job is like? (That question stems from the fact that I am only USUALLY allowed to work 32 hours, but for this week and next week, I'm clocking in well over 32. I believe it's 36 for this week, and a solid 40 for next week.
Part of it is my procrastination, but part of it is also that my boss only gave us our closing paperwork and assignments this past Monday, with eight days of school left.
Like, you gotta be fucking kidding me.


Anyway, today I had a total of 940 calories.
-1 protein bar (170)
-1 small watermelon Coolatta from Dunkin' (240)
-1 blueberry muffin from Dunkin' (460)
-1 low-fat cheese stick (70)


For the amount of food I actually ate, that is a ridiculously high number of calories.

I feel hungry, but nothing really seems appealing. Like, I can feel my stomach growling, I know that my body is hungry, but my brain says, "Nope, no food. None of that is what I want."
And that's the amphetamines talking.


But tomorrow night, I get to go to bed as early as I want, without any obligations! I am so thrilled, I can't wait. And if I get my work done early tomorrow, I may be able to take a nap before my second shift! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Confessions of a Cheese Addict

Have I ever told you all how much I love cheese? Baked, fried, plain, with crackers, on a sandwich, on pasta, etc.
I love cheese.

My mom found this sharp cheddar at the store that also has pieces of bacon in it. It is delicious.
A few years ago, my friend went to the Netherlands and smuggled back some of the most amazing cheese I've ever had. One was lavender cheese, and the other was coconut cheese. Fantastic.

There are 16 days left of the school year, 17 days left for me to work. My students aren't quite antsy yet, but I'm sure they will be within the next week or so. It's time to start wrapping up my life to move on to my next chapter.

It's kind of funny- if you had asked me in December if I would miss these kids, I would have told you, "HELL no." But now, it seems that we're all (mostly) at peace, and having a good time. There are a few of them that I will miss very dearly, but I think I can honestly say I will miss them all.



@Sammy, yeah, where I live it gets pretty cold, especially in the winter. My hometown was, at one point in time, the snow capital of the continental US. I wouldn't mind moving somewhere more temperate, but I don't think I could handle intense heat, especially without AC. I unfortunately don't have air conditioning in my house, due to the fact that my house was built in the early 1900s. My parents bought a window unit for their bedroom, back when my dad was in an accident and was mostly bedridden, but since his chemo and radiation last year, they haven't used it, because he still has a hard time regulating his body temp. I asked to put it in my room, but apparently it's too much of a hassle (insert annoyed face here).

@Bella, that's a really interesting connection about showers and EDs. I would love to see a post from you about your thoughts on that! Me personally, I just hate how much time it takes, and I hate my hair being wet.. I'd much rather be out doing stuff than wasting my life away in the shower!

@Niqi, I had a wonderful time kayaking in the sunshine! Thanks for your comment. :)

I hate myself

But what else is new?

I am procrastinating writing my lesson plans and sweltering in the heat. Meanwhile, it's only 70-something degrees, but all I want is some nice, cool, high 40s-mid 50s weather.

Sunshine

Oh, you guys are just being silly now! Nothing you say could ever possibly offend me. The nice thing about comments from people you know very well but don't know in real life is that any kind of concern or anything always feels more genuine. Maybe that's just me.

After a long, cold, rainy spring, the weather seems to have decided to cooperate. It's been sunny and beautiful the past week, pausing only for some brief showers and thunderstorms at night to cool things off. I even managed to get a baby sunburn yesterday, which is always a good thing.

My family and I are out at the lake this weekend, which means more opportunities to enjoy the outdoors... And I am here, in my room, online, because I don't feel like taking a shower. (insert hysterical laughter)

Really though, I am planning on getting a shower once I finish this and check my email. I'm gonna pull the kayak out and clean it off, then head over to camp and see if there's any work to be done over there.

As of today I am the lowest weight I've been since August/September 2015.
I've lost 20 lbs since early April, which is not fantastic but it's a start.
80 more to go...
And then 50 more from there.

@Bella and @Sam, you guys always brighten my day with your comments. I know I'm an asshole and rarely comment on other peoples' blog posts, but I always read them.
The bacon cheeseburger was from a small restaurant in my college town. It was so amazing, and the french fries were amazing too. I could really go for one right now.

It's starting to get warm and be summer again here. Part of me likes it, but part of me doesn't..
I hate sleeping in hot weather. I'd rather fight to be warm than fight to be cool.
I haven't slept well in the past couple of days. Tossing and turning and waking up constantly in the middle of the night.

But when it's time to get up, I don't feel tired.

Crazy Dayz

Somehow, despite massive binge drinking (beer, of all fucking things), and eating the most shit food in the world (McDonalds, pizza, the best bacon cheeseburger I've ever had in my life), I managed to be three pounds lighter today than I was when I left on Friday.
It was probably a combination of massive amounts of cocaine and also the last few days of my period, which basically is shitting my brains out constantly for 24-48 hours.

So, yay for that.


I am also sick, which I hate. It's the awful weather swings we've been having lately, and I want to just sleep forever.

Weekend

I went back to my college town for graduation weekend. Not because I cared about anyone graduating, but because my best friend lives there.
It was eventful to say the least.
In a whirlwind of cocaine, Ritalin, and beer, I ended up hooking up with this guy who has also hooked up with my best friend and my little sister (from sorority, not blood-relative type sister).
So now, I'm not only Eskimo sisters with my big sister (also sorority), I'm also Eskimo sisters with my little and my pledge sister/best friend.


I'm trying to pretend it didn't happen. It was a very weird time.

David Dane

Let's all laugh at David Dane's most recent comments on my blog. The previous ones, gone forever, and marked appropriately as spam.

"I was not spamming you... I was being sincere and giving advice. But since you are such a deeply, pathetically tastess [sic] human being, I will leave you alone..."

"I really was trying to be a friend... you do not deserve friends."

"I really was trying to be a friend... you do not deserve friends."


Pardon me while I take a break to LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.


I'm so glad this spammer gets his rocks off by attempting to shame and ridicule me on my own blog. I will continue to report you as spam.

Influx of spammers

Has anyone else started to get a lot of spam comments lately? I've had four today, and it's getting really annoying.

Frustration

It has been three days and I have not lost a single damn pound.

How many more amphetamines do I have to take to start losing weight again??

I was really fucking pissed, so I went and got fries and a frosty from Wendy's...

Oh well.

Guess I'll be having a stalk of asparagus for dinner.

Stagnant

My weight loss had been pretty consistent... Until today. I weigh the same as yesterday, which is more than a little upsetting.

Now I'm stuck 15 pounds down and I only have 14 days to lose another 15 to be at my goal.

Which blows.
Hell, at this point I'd settle for ten, that would be better than not losing anything.

Today I Ate:
-1 protein shake (200)
-2 protein bars (340)
-1 bowl of turkey chili (400?)
-1/4 cup taco cheese (91)
-15 tortilla chips (225)
-1 sugar free black cherry Jell-O (10)
Total: 1266

I am a fat ass.



On a brighter note, I got a new prescription today. I finally told my doctor that I needed to switch my Ritalin from fast-acting to slow-release, and I was able to get the prescription today.

I think I'm going to try it out tomorrow (without the phentermine I've been taking), just to see how different it is from both the fact-acting one I've had in the past and the phentermine.

Today I Ate:
-2 chocolate protein shakes (400)
-2 protein bars (340)
-1/2 honey graham cracker (70)
-4 oz baked cornflake chicken tenders (250)
-1 cup broiled asparagus (72)
-1 tsp olive oil (40)

Total: 1172


I know in my heart that it's really not all that much, but seeing the numbers makes me a little anxious, I'm not going to lie. Part of me wants to continue restricting, while part of me likes the energy I have.

It's a lot easier to be on my diet plan during the week, when I have a set schedule.

As of today, I have lost about 15 lbs since starting the diet. Which is kind of a big deal, kind of not. I have a pair of shorts that I want to wear comfortably for the event in three weeks, and I think another 15 pounds should do it. I'm going to have to be very strict with what I eat to be able to make it there. It's taken me almost a month to get to where I am now. I know I need to work out more, but I'm an asshole, so whatever.

@Niqi; To be honest, I don't know much about the vegan waffle! There's a vegan restaurant near my house, and one of my friends, who is vegan, was passing through, so we stopped to grab dinner and catch up. I know a little about veganism, but honestly not much. I'm considering shifting to a vegan diet once I'm done with this current doctor and plan (which will probably be in the summertime). If you're interested in documentaries, one of my favorites is Cowspiracy. I won't spoil anything about it, but it's very interesting to think about.

Anyway, I've got to go back to work now... To deal with 40 screaming children for three straight hours.
Wish me luck.

What I Ate Today
-1 protein shake (200)
-1 protein bar (170)
-1 small bag of Fritos (180)
-1 vegan waffle (225)
-2 tablespoons maple syrup (100)
-2 packages of cheddar cracker sandwiches (380)
-2 Snickers bars (430)

Total: 1685


That's really gross.

Today/Tomorrow

What I Ate Today
-1 protein shake (200)
-2 mini bags of Lays original (320)
-1 tablespoon walnuts (30)
-1 tablespoon Hershey's chocolate syrup (50)
-1 container of sugar-free black cherry Jello (10)

Total: 610


I decided that I'm going to attempt to go back to eating all my scheduled meals starting tomorrow. I honestly forgot how tired and lethargic I feel when I'm restricting. Makes doing what I need to do really difficult.
And it makes sense why it was so much easier in high school because I didn't have shit to do in high school.
I didn't have to condense my life and my belongings to the point where I can pack everything and move out.
I didn't have to stress about where I would get money to live and go to school.
I didn't have to do anything besides school work, and I did a shitty job with all that.

But now I have to actually be an adult.
I don't have time to let my disordered eating affect my everyday life anymore.
I don't really know that I want to have time to let it affect me.

Everything is stress/relief.

I applied to grad school = stress
I got in to grad school = relief
I started looking for an apartment = stress
I found a potential apartment = relief
My mother didn't like the potential apartment = stress
She finally agreed it would be the best option = relief
I have to figure out loans = stress
My university fucked up my financial aid = stress
I don't qualify for financial aid = stress
My current loan offer isn't enough to cover my tuition, apartment, life = stress
Still paying back a different loan, but it won't defer until two months into next year = stress
My dad doesn't support me going back to school = stress



Just when it feels like it's finally going to be easy, it's fucking not.

UNconscious

I've been unconsciously restricting lately.

I think it's partly due to my meds and partly due to my mindset.
Which is not a terrible mindset.
I can eat all of the food I'm supposed to in a day (1200 cals) and be okay with it.
Or I can have a day like today where I eat maybe 600-900 cals and be okay with that.


I think I'm getting better at telling myself "No" again.
Which is helpful/nothelpful
and, I know, potentially danger zone.


But whatever.
I just want to keep losing weight.

Okay.

I'm okay. You're okay. We're all okay.


This past weekend I had an epic binge fest with my friends. Alcohol, food, drugs, it was wonderful. Now I'm back to real life and back on my diet plan. I somehow managed to not gain too much weight, and am only about a pound or two heavier than when I left on Friday.

I have a weigh-in tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.
I've decided that I want to lose about 20lbs by the next time I go see them. I have a dress I want to wear that will look great (well, as great as my fat ass can look) after I lose 20+ lbs. And it may or may not partially be because of a guy, okay, don't judge me.

So with my diet plan, especially with the medicine, I lose about a pound a day, give or take. I'm hoping that by adding more exercise, it will be more.
Because I am a conceited bitch.

I am very very close to purging right now.



There's really no point in trying to say anything against it because it is the only way to deal with what I'm feeling right now.
Especially since it would be difficult to hide cutting myself for my job.
















I want to/don't want to.
I don't have anyone to talk to. I want to/don't want to talk to someone. I want to throw things and break things and hurt things and hurt myself along with it.


Update:
I did not purge.
I did not cut myself.
I did binge like an asshole.
I did continue hating myself.

But that's not new.

Pissed.

Here are some things that piss me off:
-I gained 1.5 pounds since yesterday, and I was well within my doctor-approved calorie limit for the day. What complete and utter bullshit.
-My dad and I were watching TV when Princess Kate came on, and I said something about how it isn't fair that she's so pretty. He responded with, "Well you could be pretty too if you had some discipline and self-control." Fuck you, Dad.
-Apartment hunting.
-These bratty kids I work with.


That's all for today.

Progress?

Went to the weight loss doctor for my second checkup.
According to their very fancy scale, I have lost 5 pounds of fat since I've started. Woo.

They put me on phentermine, which is an appetite suppressant. At first she told me that she didn't usually prescribe it to patients with a history of restriction, but since my patterns for the last few years have been bingeing and bingeing/purging, she decided she was going to.

She also told me I need to go to see a therapist or something.
Bleh.


I binged like a fuckwit last week, but apparently still managed to lose 4 pounds.




I don't really know what else to say right now. So, that's all.

Well

I binged like a fuckstick over the weekend.

I now have a chromium supplement to help with carb cravings.
We'll see.

Shopping Spree

It seems like I'm either spending my money on food or spending my money on things.

But I'd rather spend it on things than on food, I guess.
Day at home (Good Friday = Day Off) means lots of time on the computer. This is my last purchase, I swear.
I need a hobby that doesn't cost money.
Running doesn't cost money, but running hurts my shins. Maybe when I lose 60lbs.

Chuggin'

I'm pretty much in the swing of things right now.
I still have the urge to binge (particularly today, because it was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad, day at work), but I'm not acting on it.
Probably because this whole program is so damn expensive, and insurance probably won't cover it.
(I'm too scared to call them to see if they will. Because the doctor's office doesn't take insurance, so they would need to reimburse me, which is a lot more difficult than going through the office. At least for me it is.)

Anyhoo, yeah, Sammy, it's a metric fuck-ton of protein, and I'm actually surprised I'm not hating it. I like how my body feels when it is properly nourished, but my mind will always crave the foods that make me feel shit.
As for the actual brand, I'm not entirely positive, but I believe it's only available through a doctor. It's called Optifast, and my doctor's office has their own protein bars that they sell as well. Those taste way better, but they don't have the same amount of nutrients (mainly potassium), so I can't supplement those for the Optifast.
I'm doing high protein shakes, which have 26g of protein each, and all of my protein bars are between 14-15g of protein per bar. My nutritionist gave me some recommendations for other high-protein things, there's apparently a whole bunch available at supermarkets and such, you just have to check the labels. Beef jerky is really high in protein, too, I'm gonna get that for my night time snacks next week, I think.

I also chug water on the reg. I'm supposed to have about 64oz each day, but I've been getting in upwards of 120oz. Which is probably way too much, but whatever.

I love you all, and I appreciate all of you who still take the time to read my blog. I know I haven't been very active as of the past few years, and it seems like our numbers are dwindling a lot. I hope that's a good thing. I hope those people have managed to move on from food controlling their lives, and are now happy and healthy in the sunshine. That's what I like to believe.

Day 5

Day 5 of my no-carb, high protein life.
@Sammy, I know you were worried about the no-carb leading to bingeing... Surprisingly it hasn't yet. I have cheated a little bit each day (because I'm an asshole), having like a berry or two, or a pretzel,  a couple jellybeans, but nothing binge-worthy, and most of the day I'm actually pretty full (get's a little hairy around dinner time, but that's because I hate waiting for food to cook hahah).

(All of the following information may be incorrect. I am not a dietician or nutritionist, this is just how I learned it)
The way my nutritionist explained it to me, is that per gram, carbs and protein have about the same amount of calories. The difference is in the way your body digests them. Carbs get digested really fast, spike your blood sugar, and give you a really quick energy boost. Protein, on the other hand, is a little more difficult for your body to digest, and is more of a steady energy burn throughout the day.
So I eat high protein (at least 125g a day), and it's working pretty well, to be honest. I mean, it is only Day 5, so I dunno.

The eating every 4 hours is pretty easy, especially during the day. I have two different flavor shakes and two different flavor protein bars. They don't taste FANTASTIC, but they're manageable. I also have different flavorings I can put in the shakes. My favorite is peppermint extract in my chocolate shake, it tastes exactly like Girl Scout Thin Mints.

So anyway, that's my life.

Stopped my birth control because it was wrecking my face with horrendous acne. Seven days later, no active breakouts. Fuck you, Nuvaring.

Carb-free

So I started my program with this weight loss doctor.

It's high-protein, no carb.
I do meal substitutions for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack (protein shakes and bars) and then for dinner, I have lean protein, veggies, and one serving of a healthy fat, like olive oil or some shit.
They have me at 1200 calories, to which the Restricting Me says, "No, that's way too much." Bingeing Me doesn't really care, because Bingeing Me avoids calorie counts like the plague.

But they ran tests and apparently my BMR is at 2500. Which is (according to them) really, really good. When the nurse saw that she said, "Wow, that's really great. This should be really easy for you!" I don't know how accurate that test is.

But I mean, yeah, fixing binge eating disorder. Super easy...

The PA I talked to said that if I was really struggling with the bingeing, they had a couple of different medications I could try. I'm down for that, but at the same time, I'm not. Because this is fucking embarrassing.

It's embarrassing to not have control over my own body and brain, to have to go to a doctor and say, "I need help. I can't control my eating."
Why is that so embarrassing? Why is that more embarrassing than admitting to a doctor that I used to cut myself? Or that I used to starve myself? Those confessions come right out. These new doctors are now the first doctors to learn about my disordered eating past, and that's a little scary.

Anyway, I've stayed up too late, so now I'm hungry again. So it's time to go to bed before I actually eat the whole kitchen.

No more baby steps.

On Wednesday of next week, I have two hours of health-testing. Blood work, weigh-in, measurements, the works.

I am starting a medical weight loss program.
I am nervous.
I am excited.
I am nervous.

That's about the time she walked away from me, nobody likes you when you're 23.

I'm fat.

I hate myself.

Happy birthday to me.

Over it.

I'm so over myself. I hate that I can't lose weight because I'm too busy stuffing my face. I hate that I have no motivation to exercise. I hate myself.


On the other hand, I finally cleaned my room. And I've kept it clean for a week (which is kind of a big deal for me).
Taking my Ritalin regularly helps. But I have to take it after my morning shift, otherwise I crash by 11AM. I want to talk to my doctor and try to switch to something that's a timed-release.

I started my grad school application last week, and I finished the financial aid form that I had to submit. Now onto my taxes... I'm still waiting on my W-2 from the place I was fired from last year. I only worked there in 2015 for like a month, but they're still required to send it to me... I have a feeling they won't send it. #illegal

I need to work on lesson plans, but I don't want to work on lesson plans.

Sense of Impending Doom

It feels like my world is crashing down, like everything is going wrong. Like nothing I do is right. My heart is racing, my head is spinning, I feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up or both and my hands are shaking.
It's hard to sleep.
It's not hard to eat but when is that ever a problem?


But nothing's wrong. There's no crisis, there's no problems. Everything is fine. It's stagnant. It's not moving.




I want to run away.

Off the Wagon

So I had a really shit week last week at work. I won't go into details because honestly
a) I'm sick of talking about it
and b) with the amount of backstory it would take up, it would take me like an hour to write about it.

But anyway... Monday-Thursday was pretty good, eating-wise. I did have one too many bowls of cereal Thursday night, but that's because I was high as fuck, so whatever.
On Friday night, I wanted pizza. And then I noticed that Pizza Hut had a deal. $5 each for two or more of certain items. So I got a medium pizza, double order of breadsticks, and giant chocolate chip cookie.
It was delicious.
It also made my face break out pretty bad.

So I'm trying to get back on track again. There's no binge food in the house, and my parents are home again, which prevents me from eating whatever I want.
The dairy free was pretty nice though. Like, obviously it's pretty hard, because my mom eats cheese by the barrel and my dad uses whole milk for his smoothies (he's trying to gain weight, it's a long story), so I'm constantly surrounded by delicious things. Whatever. Soon enough I will be back in school and living in an apartment.

New Year, Same Shit.

Hi.
It's been awhile.

So, I'm currently awake 3 hours past my bedtime, because instead of being productive today, I slept from 10am to 2pm...
Great job.


I'm currently on a meal plan of my own creation. It's about 1,000-1,200 calories a day, mainly focusing on dairy-free. I don't remember if I've talked about it here, but one thing I've noticed over the years is that my acne flares up HORRIBLY when I eat dairy, and especially when I drink milk. It's not usually a problem if I eat things that have dairy in them, but I've never been one for moderation in my life.

I'll write some more tomorrow. I miss blogging.