Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Slowly expanding.

I can feel myself gaining weight the longer I sit at home.
Granted, it's only been three days, and the scale (still) hasn't changed.
But I can feel it.

When I was at the weight loss doctor today, she asked me, "Do you see a difference in the mirror?"

Answer: No. I never see a difference in the mirror. I see no difference at 250lbs (where I was back in April) than I did when I was at 150lbs (when I was 17 and starving myself).
I can see the difference in pictures. I can see the difference in the way my clothes fit.
But no. I cannot see a difference in the mirror.

Some days I have good days, days when I look in the mirror and I think I look nice.
Some days are bad days, where I look like the fattest person in the whole world.

So there's that.

1 comment:

  1. Charlie, i just want to let you know you try really hard. don’t overexert yourself with your weight loss. 50lbs is a lot and in my opinion (and the opinion of any sane person), i would never judge you for your weight, but i do want you to be happy too and you seem really invested in losing your weight. i just want to let you know that what you may is irrelevant to me. i just want you to feel good in your skin <3 i do hope you eat better though, because dizziness should never be normal.

    i hope that i’ve not said anything wrong now! wouldn’t want to upset such a beautiful girl :)

    i hope that things become less awkward around you and your friend. dick move that he did, but boys, aye?

    You obviously look different at those weights, vastly, but i just want to let you know that this mostly comes from attempting to love and appreciate your body as it is. it is a very difficult thing, but i find that the more i tend to lean towards liking my body, the more i can see differences, the more i can see that i don’t just look like one giant blob, that i look like an actual person – a NORMAL person and that’s very okay. i want to let you know that even if you do come to a day where you accept your body (and i hope you will. i hope you get to a point where you eat like you want and you feel content with yourself), you will have days where you feel absolutely stunning and you will have days where you feel like you are the biggest person in the world. what helps is that other people don’t see day to day fluctuations and also, another thing i want to let you know is that people will never look at you the way you look at yourself. never if they really matter.

    i love you.

    as for showering, i used to shower very infrequently beforehand. now, since i noticed how this behaviour has to be corrected as part of my recovery, i tend to skip 1-2 days a week and only if i’m not going out but i do have days where i do a double shower, so i believe technically, it rounds out to “i shower every day.” because i shower about 6-7 times a week, not necessarily days. i just about dragged meself for one today, even though i had one yesterday and the day before, etc. i do want to make this a more regular thing for me, as much as possible, because i do have to take care of myself at the end of the day. even if i don’t feel like it, i try to take a rlly quick one with body wash and soap. i think we generally tend not to take care of ourselves, or at least i didn’t. i used to shave infrequently, cut my nails infrequently, not do my hair the way i want it (i like to blowdry it a bit), not brush my teeth, not put on my cream for my acne – but now, i’m doing all of those things. as too much information as that sounds.

    hopefully, none of this was even mildly offensive. hope to put a smile on that wonderful face. ;)

    -Sam Lupin


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Say anything at all.