Monday, March 21, 2016


So I started my program with this weight loss doctor.

It's high-protein, no carb.
I do meal substitutions for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack (protein shakes and bars) and then for dinner, I have lean protein, veggies, and one serving of a healthy fat, like olive oil or some shit.
They have me at 1200 calories, to which the Restricting Me says, "No, that's way too much." Bingeing Me doesn't really care, because Bingeing Me avoids calorie counts like the plague.

But they ran tests and apparently my BMR is at 2500. Which is (according to them) really, really good. When the nurse saw that she said, "Wow, that's really great. This should be really easy for you!" I don't know how accurate that test is.

But I mean, yeah, fixing binge eating disorder. Super easy...

The PA I talked to said that if I was really struggling with the bingeing, they had a couple of different medications I could try. I'm down for that, but at the same time, I'm not. Because this is fucking embarrassing.

It's embarrassing to not have control over my own body and brain, to have to go to a doctor and say, "I need help. I can't control my eating."
Why is that so embarrassing? Why is that more embarrassing than admitting to a doctor that I used to cut myself? Or that I used to starve myself? Those confessions come right out. These new doctors are now the first doctors to learn about my disordered eating past, and that's a little scary.

Anyway, I've stayed up too late, so now I'm hungry again. So it's time to go to bed before I actually eat the whole kitchen.


  1. 1,200 is on the lowest ever side of normal. and even some people debate it's too low.

    it's not embarrassing. believe me. they don't look at you the way they look at yourself. you are your own worst critic. if it's going to benefit you in the long term it is always worth mentioning.

    you find what works for you. i honestly think that the no-carb thing is a recipe for disaster. i find that when you're too strict, the binge monster is more likely to make an appearance than not.

    also, do these meal substitution bars really fill anyone up? are they really 'food'? because i can eat ten of them and still feel like i've not had a proper breakfast.

    i hope that some of this helped you. i hate seeing you sad, Charlie. <3

    -Sam Lupin


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