Friday, August 5, 2016

Yet again, I manage to make myself look like the biggest idiot in the world.

I'd been hanging out with one of my guy friends from work all summer. He's nineteen, I'm twenty-three, but we've always been really good friends. We always took our nights off together and hung out on our breaks at night and such. We're pretty close, and sometimes we would get pretty touchy-feely, mostly just to make other people uncomfortable, because it didn't make us uncomfortable. He told his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) that I was his best friend at the camp where we work.
We took a night off together that was just us, making jokes that it was a "date", and we went bowling, got ice cream, and went to eat it on this pier nearby, to watch the moon and the stars near the lake. As we were sitting there, he was talking to me about how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Here is a short list of things he told me that night:
-His girlfriend was super needy, and he didn't really like that
-He didn't miss her at all (she lives two hours away)
-He couldn't talk to her and have an intelligent conversation with her
-He wanted to be with someone who is one of his best friends, who he can see himself being with for a long time
Stupid me, here I am thinking that he's referring to me. At first it made me a little uncomfortable. I was thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons of actually liking him, and it turns out he was actually talking about a different girl we work with who is tiny and skinny and pretty and to be honest, kind of a fucking cunt.
Last weekend, he drove two hours to break up with his girlfriend, then spent the rest of the weekend with the girl. And has spent most of his time with her ever since.
First of all, I feel so fucking stupid.
Second of all, I don't know whether I'm more upset that he likes her and not me, or that he spends all of his time with her now and I miss my friend.

I'm really sad.
I've considered purging multiple times this week. Most meals I barely eat anything. One of my campers started to notice this week. I was up and down getting food for my kids and I was asking if anyone wanted seconds on something, and she looked at me and said, "Yes, but only if you promise to sit down and eat after you get it."
It kind of made me want to cry.
I've cried myself to sleep several nights this summer.
I am pathetic.


  1. Please don't feel stupid :( It does sound like he was leading you on that night. Between calling it a date and the things he said about his girlfriend, I'd be thinking the same as you.


  2. you're not stupid. i'd hate to say the "it's his loss" line but it IS his loss. it really is. you're such a wonderful person and i absolutely adore you. i can't see how anyone else wouldn't.

    i'm glad someone noticed that you're not eating much. i hope you do eat a bit more, love. you're not pathetic. and i hardly doubt that he's worth your tears, especially since he won't realise that he''d mucked up a little.

    if you think mentioning it to him will help, you should. but if it won't, it won't.

    i love you a tonne. you're an angel. please please PLEASE take care of yourself.

    -Sam Lupin


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