The constant struggle.

Between eating and not eating.

Eating, because it tastes good. At least the first bite does. The last guilty bite does not.
Not eating, because all I want in life is to be thin.



Getting wasted tonight. Happy fucking New Years.

Going away.

Visiting family in New Hampshire. Hopefully getting drunk a whole lot.


Goddamn it.
I hate being fat.

Fast

I'm fasting today. I need a clean start, a clean slate.


Only water and black coffee. Water and black coffee.


Tomorrow I'm going to start something I used to do called the "Chemical Diet." I can't find the link that it used to be at. But I mean, I guess I originally found the damn thing about four years ago.

Jesus fucking Christ. Has it really been four years? One year of actual starving, three years of attempted starvation and lots of purging. Holy shit.

I need a new scale. I don't have one in my bathroom and it makes me itchy.
I'm going to make my mom get me one tomorrow.


Also I'm looking for diet pills to buy. Suggestions? Please?

Anyway. Chemical Diet. It's basically coffee. Essentially haha. I'm going to go find the Word document I saved it under.


Toodles.

I'm really really fat.

And I'm starting to take out my hatred of myself on other people...

Time to start running.

I think I may be depressed.

Like legitimately clinically depressed.


Alright, I am drunk right now.





But I think I might be.

Anonymous commenters/rant.

For the most part, there isn't anything wrong with you. In fact, a lot of you who comment on my blog I honestly enjoy your comments

But the one I just got pissed me the fuck off.
If you're reading this, anonymous commenter, please just stop. I'm going to rant, and I'm probably going to say some mean things. I don't know if your brain can handle them.



First of all: YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT I'M DOING TO MY BODY?? Because that's what the fuck it sounds like. I can almost guarantee that I know more about what food/starving/purging does to your body than you do.
I am not uneducated. I am an adult, I am in college, I am not stupid. And also, I have a mother, that position isn't vacant.



Second of all, telling me that "we are in the same boat, going through similar things," and then fucking LECTURING ME on HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISING? HELLO, HYPOCRITE. If you want to eat healthy, great. If that's what you do, then you should not be telling me we're similar.

Third of all, this comment was on a post from APRIL. IT IS DECEMBER RIGHT NOW.

And finally, fourth of all, fat-free food is REALLY FUCKING UNHEALTHY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY THE HEALTHY FOOD CARD AT LEAST PLAY IT RIGHT. 


So fuck you.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone else in the world who hates themself as much as I hate myself.

Then I realize it can't physically be possible.
Because my hate for myself is bigger than anything I could possibly imagine.





Every night is a bad night.


I haven't cut myself in a long time.

I just did.
Eight straight lines along my left wrist.
Guess who's wearing long sleeves for a few weeks?

Disgusting.

I'm drowning the sorrows of my miserable fucking life in Cadbury chocolate.

Someone just kill me. Now.

Numbers.

I've said this before and I'm saying it again.
I need to get back to numbers.

I have no way to effectively weigh myself right now, so I'm going to have to wait until I get home. My mom already told me she would buy me a new scale.

So the only numbers I have control over right now are calories.
What goes in.
I'm making a new plan.
I haven't made a diet plan in a long time.
This is going to be fun.

Drunk and sloppy.

This weekend I got really drunk on Friday night.

I was.. well, I was white girl wasted. Let's be honest. I chugged a hard cider (way too many calories), did a double shot of rum, and had copious amounts of vodka and orange soda on an empty stomach.

I was having fun until I saw the guy that I like who's been really mean to me recently making out with some other girl.
Then I went to one of my friends, who is in the same fraternity as the guy I liked, and asked if I could have some of his vodka.

Of course I could.



Chugged that shit.
Ended up puking and seeing three of everything for quite some time.
I saved my sloppy for once I got back to my sorority house though. I don't like people taking care of me.
Saturday ended up being a food shit show involving Dominos.
Sunday ended up being a food shit show of leftover Dominos and candy.
And today ended up being a food shit show of candy and purging mashed potatoes.

Needless to say, my life is not going according to plan.

My judgmental ass roommate and her ugly ass boyfriend...

Are the only reason I'm not stuffing my face with Dominos right now.

I'm going to go get a granola bar.

It's time.

It's time to stop fucking around and eating shit and being fat.
It's time to start being skinny.

Today I'm getting off my ass and not eating and hopping on the train to Skinnyville.



The guy I really like is in love with my Big.
My Big is gorgeous and skinny and fantastic and outgoing and everything that I'm not.



I just want to starve until I don't exist anymore.

On stomach flu and Thanksgiving.

I always make jokes about how Thanksgiving is the most depressing holiday for vegetarians.

It totally is.
Because I don't know about you other vegetarians (for those of you who are) but for me... Turkey cooking in the oven all day smells... wow.

On a brighter note, yesterday I was in bed all day. Puking, mostly, with a fever of 101.5. I couldn't even keep water down for a majority of the day. It was possibly one of the worst experiences I've had in quite some time. But I lost five pounds of water weight from that ordeal.

Look for the silver lining.

I hate myself.

So much.

Shit.

I feel like shit, I look like shit, I am one large, stinky piece of shit.

The guy I think is really cute I'm pretty sure has a huge crush on his really good friend who is absolutely gorgeous and has a boyfriend. So. That's that.

Relevancy.

It really makes me happy that people are still finding my blog and enjoying it and finding me relevant. I personally don't think anything I write has much merit, seeing as I am ridiculously fat, but you all will like what you like, I suppose. ;)

Turns out that why I haven't been eating lately is a nice, lovely case of mononucleosis. Oh, and strep.
Pledging is really sucking right now. We're getting into "Hell Week," which is the last few weeks where everything just starts hardcore sucking

On mental conditions and mac and cheese.

Right now, at this moment, I am in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in. I'd say it's approximate to the height of my eating issues in my junior year of high school. I'm terrified to leave my room, even more terrified to go to the dining hall or the library (where I'm required to go), because I'm scared I'm going to mess something up in my pledging process. I'm terrified of people generally, and this process is literally eating me from the inside out. I can't stand thinking that I did something wrong, I hate doing things wrong. Any little thing I can't do, or don't do correctly makes me want to vomit.
I ate my first full meal in the dining hall today, and I actually ate food. Mac n cheese, a brownie, and maybe a quarter of an ice cream cone. I was so full after the first couple bites, but I had to eat a little more. I had an almost-grey-out in ballet yesterday and it was terrifying. I can't be passing out when I'm still so fat.
I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Last I knew I was about ten pounds lower than the beginning of this summer. I hope I lost weight this week.

It makes me really sad how much support my roommate's boyfriend gives her. I'm really jealous. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't ave anyone that I can legitimately be emotional in front of.  I don't think I'll ever find someone that I can be emotional in front of.
I really want someone.
Maybe because I want it so bad, that's why I can't get it.

Haven't been eating much lately...

Mostly just because I'm terrified to go to the dining hall and run into people.
But I'm sure it's doing all my fat a hell of a ton of good.

Pledging sucks, but what else is new. Being on the bottom of the totem pole anywhere sucks. I just gotta get used to it.

I'm probably going to disappear.

Just for a little bit. I know I haven't been particularly religious about posting lately.

This Friday, I got a bid to the sorority I was rushing, and now I'm going through pledging, which is going to take a lot of my time. I'm so excited, and I was so nervous last week, and now... I'm ridiculously happy, but a little nervous for pledging. I want to get my big, and I want it to go by fast so I can get my shirt and not be a pledge anymore.

I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous I might die.

On fat and ridiculousness.

I am fat.

It becomes increasingly more apparent to me as each day progresses.
Sometimes I think to myself, "Oh, I'm not that fat, really."

Then I see myself in the mirror.

Or my pants/dress/shirt won't fit right.

Or I see someone else.

And I remember how disgustingly fat I am. 

Why wasn't I just born thin?

That awkward moment when...

I purged for the first time this (school) year tonight, after four deep fried mozzarella sticks, too many curly fries, and a bag of Rolos. I think I got everything out.
After I finished purging (literally 2 minutes after) I was washing my face, and another girl on my floor came in and used the same stall.
I felt terrible, because it absolutely reeked of vomit in there.

I have so much work to do right now, but I wanted to update and tell you guys how much I adore and miss you. I will try to start posting more often. <3

New beginnings, old memories.

I had a really fantastic summer at camp, aside from hooking up with A again, and him being a complete douchebag for the rest of the summer. It's hard to believe that this will be the last summer with some of these people. A bunch of the experienced guy counselors, including two of my really close friends, aren't planning on returning next summer. After our closing campfire, we usually go around and give everyone a hug. I had given all my hugs, and I saw one of them, R, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I held my arms out again, and he hugged me and said, "Yeah, I definitely need another one from you." We'd had kind of a rough summer, getting into a bunch of arguments, but he's really one of my best friends. He's one of two people that know about my, ahem, food issues, and he's the only one of the guys that actually knows how far I've gone with A. He was with me all through the marijuana fiasco, where one of the girls told my director a blatant lie that we had smoked on camp property, and he was one of the first to welcome me into their group my first summer.

Can you tell I'm really going to miss him?

On a happier note, without even really trying (alright, I did skip a few meals and purge once, and run a couple times) I managed to lose ten pounds. Next week, I start cheerleading, which will hopefully eat up my time and weight. Fingers crossed.
I'm nervous.

Lately.

I've been at camp. I think I've lost a little weight.
But not enough.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be running twice a day, and one of the classes that I'm teaching is going to be a conditioning class, doing exercises and workout type things.
I need to be thin I need to be thin I need to be thin.
I even considered starting to try to purge at camp. I've never even considered purging at camp. But I know I need to stop eating so much. Every time something goes in my mouth I want to cry. No one really likes me, I don't think. I think everyone just tolerates me. And it makes me want to cry.

Camp makes it so easy to not eat.

I've been at camp the past week. I know I haven't been good about updating here recently. For no reason other than I've been gorging and getting fatter every day. I think I lost a little weight at camp last week. But next week I'm starting running in the morning. A whole group of us are going. It makes me nervous because I'm easily the least in-shape of any of them, and I know I won't be able to run around the lake in 30 minutes like the rest of them. But hopefully by working out with people who are in better shape than me, I'll be able to lose weight faster.

I'm so excited to actually have campers again. I missed them all so much. This is the job that I live for. I need to find something like this for the other 10 months of the year.

I'm hungry.

And I don't want to eat.

But I want to eat.

Don't eat. Eat. Don't eat. Eat.

Back and forth, back and forth.





I need to lose 20 pounds this summer.

I'm in Georgia...

Hopefully losing weight. Also this is a mobile post, so I don't know how this is going to go. I love you all. Thank you so much for you support.

It'd be nice

It'd be nice if someone here would just look at me and hug me and tell me I'm not worthless.



Saturday night was... Interesting. The guy I went to formal with, he's really nice. I got super drunk, and drunk Charlie plus slippery frat floors plus high heels equals lots of ass-falling. He told me I looked really pretty.
I like him.
I do.
Just not like that, I don't think.
I made out with him.


I'm stupid.
What else is new.

What's the point?

I'm never going to be beautiful enough for the guy that I like. I'm never going to be thin enough to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, I look great." I'm never going to be perfect.
So what's the point?

I am so fat.

So ridiculously fat it's gross. I ate so much food today.
I gained 20 pounds at college.
Hopefully I'll be able to lose it this summer.


I got invited to a fraternity formal. The guy is really nice, and I think he likes me. I don't know how I feel about him.

I try not to feel too much nowadays.

I ate so much tonight.

8 Chips Ahoy cookies, 2 Double-Stuf Oreos, 1 rootbeer, 2 handfuls of popcorn, 1 and a half Twizzlers.


I am literally not eating tomorrow.
This is more food than I've consumed all week, pretty much (not counting what I've purged).

Fuck, I have to have dinner with my parents tomorrow.
Fuck.

"Good for her."

Thank you guys for your comments. :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't like to use "suffering" to describe it.

While I was walking back from ballet today, in my tights and spandex shorts, hair in a bun, two girls waking behind me started talking. What I heard:
"Oh, I always see her... I want to take ballet."
"Mumble mumble mumble,"
"Mumble mumble... Good for her."

They continued their conversation. I have no idea if the second "her" they were referring to was me... I assumed that it was, and I assumed they said it because of how hideously fat I am.

What other reason could there possibly be?

On purging blood and suffering.

On purging, for Kate:
I am no medical expert when it comes to purging, and blood and whatnot. The only things I know are things that are easily accessible through the Google machine.
I really don't purge all that much, maybe 4-5 times a week. Usually only if I eat something that makes me feel guilty or if I overeat, occasionally I will b/p because I just feel mentally awful. Some weeks are better, some weeks are worse. I have only ever purged blood twice in my life. Once yesterday, and once in December. Both times, the blood has been bright red.
From what I have seen and heard on the internet, bright red blood means a tear in the throat/esophagus region (if anyone has any corrections for me, please leave them in the comments). Dark blood means internal bleeding, and is a sign that something is seriously wrong (also known as SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION).

On suffering, from me:
I'm not really sure how I feel when people say they are "suffering" from an eating disorder. Yes, eating disorders are hell. Most of us don't even admit to having one. I don't know if I've ever said I have an eating disorder. Whenever I describe it, I usually say disordered eating habits. Because I don't have an eating disorder. Just some habits. I've never used the term suffering. Maybe it's okay in the past tense, i.e.; "I suffered from an eating disorder," but in the present tense... I don't like it.

Thoughts?

Creative Writing

I have this awful creative writing professor.
She asks our opinions about things, and then tells us why her opinion is the right one.

Today she asked us to name three things that we think might be the root of all evil. We could be serious or funny, it didn't matter.
My three things were:
1) Humans
2) B.O.
3) Cheesecake

When it was my turn, she goes, "Why cheesecake?"
So I said, "Because it's so good... You just can't stop eating it..."
And she says, "Oh, and eating a lot of cheesecake makes you fat... Does anyone think that fat is the root of all evil?"
In my head: yes.
No one answers, and she continues about fat people and how she loves them. At one point she said something ridiculous, and I put my hand over my mouth and looked away, trying not to laugh out loud, and she says,
"Oh, no, I wasn't calling YOU fat, Charlie."




Mortifying.
Because obviously, I am fat.

Purging blood...

Still kind of scares me.

This is only the second time it happened.
But it still kind of scares me.

It's really amazing how one person can make your whole day brighter.

The girl in the sorority who wants me to be her little next year messaged me on Facebook today to tell me she's officially staying here (not transferring) and how she's so glad she met me, and how I made the biggest impression on her out of all the girls who rushed.
It made me so, so happy.

Not happy enough to eat, but... You know.

Last night...

I had a bag of Cheetos and a Crunch bar.
Both of which I purged.


Things that stayed in my stomach yesterday:
-3 mini Kit Kat bars (not the fun sized, where there are two, but the mini single ones that are as long as my pinky) (126)
-1 cup of cornflakes (100)
-1 cup of almond milk (60)
TOTAL: 286
So, not great.

Today, I'm having a bowl of plain Greek yogurt with a packet of hot chocolate powder mixed in (220).

Hopefully, that will be all.

Thank you so much for your comments- They mean the world to me. <3
I am actually rushing the sorority again next year; a lot of the girls encouraged me to, and one of them I'm in love with. I want her to be my big, and she wants me to be her little. We're super awkward together. :)

Didn't get accepted to go to Ghana in January..

Obviously it's because I'm too enormous to fly on a plane.

One of my kind of friends, who got into the sorority I didn't get into, got a place on the trip.



I want to cry.

Decisions, decisions?

Should I make ramen and purge it?

Or just go to bed?




In the end, purging always wins.

So disgusting.

I have many dilemmas right now. Most of them involving persons of the opposite gender, and a few of them involving the fact that I'm fat and disgusting and ugly.

More when I'm sober.

I need more blogs to follow.

Any suggestions?
If you follow me and I don't follow you, let me know! I'd love to. :)

Broke my fast.

30 hours.
Broken with:
-1 bag of fruit and nut trail mix (290)
-3 mouthfuls of whipped cream (150)
-8 Doritos (120)
Total: 560 calories

Which is completely disgusting. 560 calories in less than 20 minutes.
Great.

Won't be eating for another 24 hours, hopefully.

22 hours into my 48 hour fast

Almost halfway done.
I feel a little fuzzy but it's not too bad. I've been drinking zero calorie sparkling water all day... So delicious. The first bottle was Mandarin Orange and the second that I'm still working on is Tangerine Lime. Zero calories, 68 cents at Walmart, amazing flavors. My favorite is Fuji Apple Pear. I still have a bottle of White Grape to get me through the rest of today and tomorrow... Hopefully I can convince someone to drive me to Walmart to get more.

Lucky me, I don't have any classes tomorrow. Hooray three day weekend.

Today.

Well.
Today didn't quite go as planned.
Purged my food twice. Ate a Clif bar. Meh.

Food:
1 grilled cheese (purged)
1 cup of french fries with ketchup (purged)
1 bowl of Trix (purged)
1 bowl of ice cream (purged)
1 bag of Fritos (purged)
1 bag of Reese's Pieces (purged)
1 granola bar (purged)
1 Pay Day (purged)
1 Clif bar (240 calories)

@Heather: I've missed you too! So muchh <3

Going to try for a full day fast tomorrow and hopefully Friday. If I make it, I'll let myself maybe go out and have a drink or five.
I'm too broke for weed right now.. Just biding my time until it turns May and I get money from the parents.

I was going to try to find some thinspo, but then I was like, "Eh. Fuck it."
I'll find some if you guys want me to, though. Let me know.

Love and kisses. <3

Well.

I ate yesterday. A lot.
I ate today. I'm about to go purge.

Then it's ballet class and sleep. Sleep forever.

I'm here.

This new Blogger format is so strange. It's going to take some getting used to.

Anyway. I'm here. I'm back. I'm insane.
But what else is new?

I'm so incredibly fat right now. None of my clothes fit. Fucking college.

Kicking it off with a 24 hour fast today. Maybe longer.
Should be easy, I can sleep the day away and not have to worry about food.
Thank God for my English major schedule.

I want to lose 20 lbs by June. I have to. I will.

To my anonymous commentor:

Yes. I did.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to be healthy. I'm too addicted to being sick.

I need help. I need therapy, medication, shock treatments, a lobotomy. Something.

I need a cigarette. Maybe that'll curb my hunger to eat everything in sight.
I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted.
Then I go and eat like a wildebeast. Gross.

I've gotten so fat. This needs to stop.

Lost my virginity.

Look at all the fucks I give.

Look at them.

Can you see them?

I can't. Because they don't exist.

I am a giant fat slutbag

Buuttttt what else is new?

Tonight was a fucking shitshow.

I hate guys.

Nervous.

A friend on my floor has a really hot boyfriend. He's in the Army. Naturally, he has hot friends that are also in the army.

One of them is coming up this weekend to get schwasty with us for St. Patty's. He recently broke up with a girlfriend. He's really hot. He told my friend that he thought I was cute, from what he could see of my Facebook profile.

I hate this sort of thing, because now I have expectations of how the weekend could go, and I know that nothing ever ends up meeting my expectations, let alone exceeding them.

Sigh.

Guess I'll just try to keep running then. Get some of this fat off before Saturday.

Being happy

is really difficult.

Where I've gone.

I got a call exactly one week ago telling me that I did not get a bid from the sorority.
I was pretty upset, so I went to the gym.
And for the past week, I've been trying to eat healthy and work out.

I lost three pounds in four days, and after two/three days of not doing any cardio, only gained one back.
I realized that if I lost those by starving, I would have gained them all back.

I'm trying to focus on making myself happy right now, by doing my schoolwork, and eating clean, healthy foods, and exercising on a regular basis.
These past few days have been hard, being really sick, and especially with my friend consistently bragging about how she's lost 20 pounds in a month. But I'm trying to stay on track. I hope you guys understand. I will continue to post here when I can. <3 I love you all.

I've been gone a few days.

Sorry.
I'll explain that when I can.

I might be gone a few more days.

I really just hate

how literally five people just asked me if I got a bid.

No.
If I had, I probably would've told you.


I also really hate
how everyone says "Oh, I'm sorry... You're better than them anyway."

Ummm, I still want to be one of them. You wouldn't be saying that if I did get a bid. So fuck you.

And I just got the phone call.

Not gonna eat for the rest of my life, okay?


I think what hurts the most about not getting a bid is that I thought that maybe this time it could be different. Like maybe people would see me, and see past the awkward, socially inept, nervous, fat girl.
But it's never really different, is it?
It's always the same.

Bid Day.

It's tomorrow.
I'm really nervous, I want this so bad.
I love the sorority I picked.

I've also gained weight over the past week.
So obviously, if I don't get a bid, it's because I'm fat, and the bingeing and purging will commence.

I wish I remembered how to starve.

I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of trying to explain myself to people.
I'm tired of having to explain.
I'm tired of eating.
I'm tired of starving.
I'm tired of purging.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of sleeping.

I'm tired of breathing.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

I'm really not okay right now.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. Everyone sucks.

I have this awful friend.

She knows about my issues with eating.
I TOLD HER.
She knows everything from the bingeing to the starving to the purging.

She knows she's thinner than me, that more guys want her than me, that when we're together no one even looks at me. They only look at her and her giant tits.
And all she talks about now is how she "needs to lose five pounds before her next photoshoot," because people made mean comments about one of her sets.
People. On. The. Internet.
Who have no real basis in real life.

Not only that, as we're eating dinner she goes, "I'm like obsessed with my collarbones..." And starts like pushing them out. "Like, on the pro-anorexia tumblrs, because I had to do research for a project," (UM BULLSHIT YOU DID, FUCKING CUNT.) "I see girls with their collarbones out and I laugh because I'm fatter than them and I have better collarbones."


And she really wonders why I never hang out with her anymore.

I need to get a bid.

One of my friends is mad at me because I haven't been able to hang out with her this past week due to Rush.

If I don't get a bid, she's going to be so mean. I know it. I need to get a bid so I can just say "Fuck you."

Rush Week.

Rush week so far (yeah, it's 4 A.M. Wednesday morning... We aren't even halfway through yet!) has been absolutely amazing. I had my second informal party tonight, with the sorority that, from the very first day, I have been in love with. It exceeded my expectations and more. I had some really great conversations, and the girls are just so nice. I'm going to visit one of them who lives on campus and has a basset hound tomorrow! I'm so jittery now though, I'm really nervous. I want a bid from these girls so bad, I even know who I would want as my big. I have one more sorority to visit tomorrow, and then it gets scary. From there, we go to preference parties.
Well, we hopefully go to the pref parties. These parties are invite-only, with a greatly decreased number of rushees attending. Even just getting one pref party invite would make my week. But I really want an invitation from these girls. I really want a bid from these girls. I'm so afraid to say it out loud, I'm afraid I'll jinx it. I know I just did by posting this. Goddammit.

Third night in a row...

Drunk off my ass.
Still have crazy assloads of work to do.


I'm running on pure adrenaline right now.
I live Rush Week.
(That was meant to say "I love Rush Week", but I mistyped it as "live", and I felt it suited it better.)


Down four pounds so far this week. There's something to be said about being busy.

I have not been good.

Oh, no.
I haven't.

I'm still a little drunk.
And I've purged 6 times in the past two days.
Dear Lord.




Good night.

Binged like an asshole today.

It was super cute.

Saw the guy I was talking about in my last post. Said hi.

He didn't even have the courtesy to say hi back, just gave me that stupid little nod that guys do.
I'm done.

Someone let me know when people are done being fucking assholes.

I didn't follow through completely on the eating today.
But I restricted more than I have in a long time.

So I consider it relative success. Now it's time for bed.


Also, there's this guy that I think is really cute who lives in my building. And I thought he was nice, but I've introduced myself five times and the kid still doesn't know my name. I always say hi to him and use his name and smile. All I ever get is a "Hey." No smile.
My friends and I were hanging out in my hallway and we were talking about the new hot transfer students that we now have, and one of my best friends mentions how she saw him today. Another girl that I don't really talk to that much asked us who we were talking about, so we described him to her. She looks at me and says, "Ohh, I know who you're talking about. You two would be so cute together!"
To which I responded, "Uh, no. He hates me. Can't even remember my name."
She threatened to go bang on his door and yell at him for not remembering the name of a "beautiful girl."

All I can think about is how he's so far out of my league and how fat I am.

It's hard being the fattest girl in ballet class.

What's even worse is the fact that I actually have better technique than most of them.
I think, anyway. My teacher complimented me more than anyone, but that could've been because I was the only one she hadn't had in class before.
I'm still in my leotard. I haven't eaten lunch (an orange) yet. So far today I've had one cup of orange juice, and one cup of coffee (black). I went for a run this morning. I'm out of shape. What else is new.

Thank you for your comments. They really help me get through the day. Stay strong, lovelies. <3

So gross.

I had a whole cheesy bread tonight. Along with lava cakes. From Dominos.

This is what my life has become.


I'm starting the chemical diet again tomorrow. I tried it two years ago, and it worked really well for the time that I had the willpower to keep it up.
Bed early so I can wake up at seven to run.

(For those of you who might be interested, I did a post on the chemical diet on my old blog. You can find it by clicking on this sentence.)

Well.

I've been trying to cut back on my intake these past couple days. It hasn't been working too well. On the bright side, I didn't eat a whole Dominos cheesy bread last night like usual... I split one with my friend who I was staying with.
@Lost in Space; I think I'll post a picture of it here, in this post. :) I love my hair so much right now. Yes, haha, another Tumblr. This one is specifically for my weight loss though, none of these namby-pamby life stories. Hell, it's me, it'll probably turn into that. :)
@Zette; Okay... I guess I will. :) But no promises, haha!


So, as I said, here's my hair:

It's not the best picture, my hair's actually a little bit brighter than that. Sorry for my fat face. I edited it a bit so y'all don't have to look at how bad I'm breaking out right now.

I have to go eat birthday cake now. Stay strong, beautiful ladies. <3

A change.

I no longer have long, dirty blonde Rapunzel-hair. The daughter of my assistant camp director was obsessed with me last summer because of my hair, and because she loves Rapunzel.
It's still long. But now it's Ariel-red.
I love it.

Along with my hair-change, starting next week (as in Sunday), I'm beginning my effort to get back to restricting and working out (I say Sunday because tomorrow evening I'm visiting a friend at her college, and man, shit gets crazy at this college).
Ironically, the last time I was intensely restricting, I was also a redhead.
I'm a big believer in fate.


I was very scared to dye my hair. I wasn't entirely sure why, but I figured it out. For those who care, read on, for those who don't, skip to the next paragraph. When I first started camp, I was blonde. Camp helped me in a way that nothing else ever has. I was not mentally stable at all. I was coming off of six months of intense restricting and weightloss, and I found a safe haven where everyone liked me for ME, not because I had lost weight and was "doing/looking/whatever great". I think the long blonde hair became a security blanket for me. I was terrified to do anything, lest it change me back into Crazyperson McGee. Now that I've dyed it, I feel powerful. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can lose forty pounds in three months.

Right now I'm making Skittles vodka. It's delicious. I wish I knew exactly how many calories were in it.
I think I'm going to start a new blog too, on Tumblr, to document my progress. What do you guys think?

Stay strong, beautiful girls. I know you are.

Rush.

I really want to rush one of the sororities on my campus.

But we all know there's no reason I would get a bid... So what's the point?

Compromised immune systems are rather debilitating.

Mindfuck.

I have a friend who flirts with me over Facebook and texting.
I know he's not interested.
He knows I'm not interested.

So why does he do it?


I'm convinced it's because I'm the only person (girl?) in his life who challenges him and calls him out on his bullshit in a sister/brother way.
Does that make sense?


In other news, I'm perpetually single.
Also, I'm a terrible bitch and no one should ever love me.

Healthier.

After my week in the city, I'm healthier.
After the bullshit that happened last night, I'm fucked-er.

Over the six days I was in NYC, I made a really great, tight-knit group of friends. One night, I was really drunk, and as I sobered up, one of my friends sat with me and talked with me and listened to me cry. I told her my life story, I told her about the eating disorders and the insecurities and the fucking people and how I hate people.
And she listened. And she hugged me. And we decided that sometimes, "It's okay to not be okay." And sometimes you need people who understand that.

And then things got fucked up at the theatre festival in Massachusetts. I don't even feel like going into that now. Or ever.

And last night, I saw this guy in my building. A guy I think is really nice and cute. Who pinky-promised me (however drunkenly) that he would dance with me at a party during spring term.
I said hi to him. Called him by name. Smiled. I've been told I have a beautiful smile. I won "Best Smile" as a superlative in high school.
He said "Hey." No smile.
The fucker still doesn't know my name, even though I've introduced myself about three times.


I'm too fat to be noticed.
I need to be so skinny that I am noticed.

I've been away.

I apologize. I was with a class on a trip to New York City, where the wifi costs money.
I puked once when I was there. Due to overintoxication. It's been nine days since I last intentionally stuck my fingers down my throat.

So there's that.
My friend keeps telling me how skinny I look and how I look like I've lost weight.
I think I might've, being in the city and walking so much. But now I'm in fucking Massachusetts for a theatre festival and getting fatter by the day. The last time I worked out was coincidentally nine days ago.

That's all.

I've been bad.

But I'm about to be good.

My nails are pink-polished.
My skin is getting clearer.
My hair is long.
My butt is more toned.
My legs are thinner.
My stomach is fatter.
Do you see a "one of these things is not like the other" sort of thing going on?
I do.

Girls are screaming on my floor. Fuck them. I need sleep.
Waking up at six to run tomorrow.


Did 45 minutes of Zumba and 15 minutes of the elliptical.
Zumba is hell on earth.
I love it.
And now I need to shower and I'm procrastinating and I'm scared to weigh myself because I drank a full two bottles of water (well, one was a Vitamin Water) after my workout.
I'm not even going to mention the bag of chips and M&Ms...
Oops.


I used to have a problem admitting to you guys how absolutely pathetic I am. I don't anymore. I wonder if that's a problem?
Fruit tomorrow hopefully. I'm addicted to oranges.

I don't know why I bore you guys with stories about my life.

Sorry.

So for the second night in a row, I've puked. After making an intentional decision to not stick my fingers down my throat.
I ordered Dominos, and after laying in my friends bed for awhile I realized two things.
1) I was really full, but not necessarily the fullest I've ever been.
2) I was minutes away from vomiting.

Luckily, I made it to the bathroom and the toilet was working.
I almost clogged it with vomit. Somehow managed not to.


I don't know what I weigh right now.
Whatever.
I'm fat.
Goodnight.

Last night.

It was... Interesting.
And drunk.

None of the frats were open, so we went to the bar. Around 11, there were five people (my friend, myself, and three guys). We were talking to the guys since my friend knew one of them, he bought us a few drinks. He ended up trying to get with me later that night, but he committed three grievous errors:
1) He called me a lightweight.
     First, I am not anywhere near underweight or short.
     Second, I come from a long line of alcoholics. Congratulations, man, you just insulted my heritage.
2) He told me that I was DTF.
     I'm pretty sure that I get to decide who I'm DTF with.
3) He TOUCHED my STOMACH. I don't even need to elaborate that one.


So I started talking to this other guy who my friend knew. And like, okay, for some reason, the guys I'm sexually attracted to are not necessarily physically attractive. They just... Exude sexual confidence.
He was surprised when he found out I'm a virgin. He said, "Where are you from?" I told him. "What, there aren't any boys there?" Well, yeah, there are... "Well are they blind or something? You're so pretty."

I like being called pretty.
Unfortunately for him, he has a girlfriend.
Unfortunately for me, he's a good person and is committed to his girlfriend.

Which, you know, I respect. I mean, he told me that if we hadn't been on a crowded bus, something might have happened. But he seems like a really nice guy. I haven't met one of those in awhile.
And he doesn't play texting games.
God, I HATE texting games. He texts me right back, and he even texted me this morning.

I'm still wearing my shirt from last night. He sat next to me on the bus and let me cuddle on his arm. He's very cuddly.
My shirt smells like him.

I'm trying to decide...

If sticking my fingers down my throat when I'm drunk because I don't want to vom on my bed counts as purging.

I'm so drunk right now.

So drunk.

Myself and Relationships: Part I

Through introspection today, I realized that I can not physically have functional relationships.
I think it's because I'm far too insane and fucked up to maintain any semblance of normal. And why would a normal person want a relationship of any kind with someone who should probably be committed? Therefore, my relationship options are:
a) People just as insane as me
b) No relationships at all

This is clearly why my romantic life is so prosperous.

I really do need a sarcasm font.




At lunch today, my friend (who I've seen once since coming back from break) says to me, "You look skinny! Have you lost weight?"
No, in fact. I haven't.
"Well, maybe you gained muscle and lost fat from running."
Yeah, that's probably it.
Then I went and stuck my fingers down my throat to maintain "skinny".

It's a weird thing, body image. In the mirror, I see myself as the same person from three or four years ago. Fat, awkward, covered in acne, pale, etc.
I can see the fluctuations in my weight in pictures (from my highest to my lowest weights), but I can't physically see a difference in myself.
All I see is fat.

Also, saw this on my Facebook newsfeed.
Really?
On Facebook?
Why would you ever post something like that on FACEBOOK?

Bordering on a healthy lifestyle.

I am, that is.
I've been working out every day. Eating healthy, single serving meals.
Binged and purged after lunch and didn't go to eat dinner today, though.

I gotta say, the only feeling comparable to the release of emotion when my fingers are down my throat and I'm gagging on a large chunk of undigested food is the feeling of my legs aching and my lungs burning when I'm running at six in the morning in twenty degree weather.

And I like it when my legs feel strong. I like it when I feel like I've accomplished something.

Pobservations.

(That's Positive Observations)
-Working out makes me happy.
-Water is filling.
-I don't hate myself after eating a normal sized lunch.
-I don't hate myself for contemplating a normal sized dinner.
-I have a nice butt.


I am also about to kill myself. The cheer coach just texted me a HALF HOUR before practice, telling me about the practice.
What the fuckkkk.

Infectious.

Once the idea of purging gets into my head, I can't get it out.

Like a disease.





On a side note, the finger I cut is one of the ones I use to purge. It sucks.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared.

I just purged for the second time today.
It was really rough, mostly because I waited so long.

I purged blood.
I've never purged blood before.


I'm really scared.
I know I'm fine right now, I know it's not some sort of tear, it was just a little bit of blood at the end of the purging, and it's possible I just scratched my throat with my nails.

But I'm scared.
Purging is the only thing I have that helps me deal physically with everything emotionally. I don't like cutting, I've never liked cutting, I've only ever resorted to cutting under extreme circumstances. Cutting leaves outside marks. Cutting shows the world that I'm fucked up.
Purging leaves the scars inside.


I'm so scared.
I don't want to lose my one violently physical way of coping. I can't. But I don't want to die.
Not this fat, anyway.


I'm really scared.
Do any of you have experience with this? Purging blood? I'm so terrified. I'm shaking. I was shaking, I'm a bit calmer now.
I'm debating whether or not to text my friend. I don't want to worry her, I think she thinks I've been getting better. I don't want to ruin her excitement for her party tomorrow with this. But I need her.

I'm scared to need her help.
No, that's not right. I love her to death, I couldn't live without her help. I'm scared to hurt her by needing her help.

I sliced my finger open today.

Not on purpose. No.

It's a deep cut. Bled for a long time.
I'm finally starting to get back into writing. Writing for fun, not for class or for work or for eating disorders or for other people. Writing for me. Which is the best kind of writing. I can write about whatever the hell I want to, in my little black notebook with the zebra sticker on the cover in the left corner and the start month and year on the spine in multicolored metallic stickers.
I'm ridiculously cute, I know. /sarcasm

I love stickers. I got a menagerie set. There's lions and tigers and bears (oh, my). My favorite is the zebra. I wrote a poem about it. If you'd like me to post it, let me know. If you'd like me to post any of my writing, let me know. I'd love to share it with you all. :)

My second favorite is the elephant. He comes in pink and purple.
He reminds me of how fat I am and how I need to run but I'm scared because I think I sprained my foot again.

But mostly he reminds me of how fat I am.

I figured out what's wrong.

This used to be a game. A game of numbers and calculations and somewhere along the way I lost that.

That sounds wrong. A game insinuates fun. Eating disorders are not a game.
But they kind of are. In a really sick way.


I need to get back to numbers. Because numbers are safe. And numbers make sense.


And numbers make progress.