Friday, January 6, 2012

I'm so scared. I'm so scared.

I just purged for the second time today.
It was really rough, mostly because I waited so long.

I purged blood.
I've never purged blood before.

I'm really scared.
I know I'm fine right now, I know it's not some sort of tear, it was just a little bit of blood at the end of the purging, and it's possible I just scratched my throat with my nails.

But I'm scared.
Purging is the only thing I have that helps me deal physically with everything emotionally. I don't like cutting, I've never liked cutting, I've only ever resorted to cutting under extreme circumstances. Cutting leaves outside marks. Cutting shows the world that I'm fucked up.
Purging leaves the scars inside.

I'm so scared.
I don't want to lose my one violently physical way of coping. I can't. But I don't want to die.
Not this fat, anyway.

I'm really scared.
Do any of you have experience with this? Purging blood? I'm so terrified. I'm shaking. I was shaking, I'm a bit calmer now.
I'm debating whether or not to text my friend. I don't want to worry her, I think she thinks I've been getting better. I don't want to ruin her excitement for her party tomorrow with this. But I need her.

I'm scared to need her help.
No, that's not right. I love her to death, I couldn't live without her help. I'm scared to hurt her by needing her help.

1 comment:

  1. not to say it's okay or anything, but i purge blood pretty often. it happens. for whatever reason. i think it's mostly when i hurt my throat/mouth with my fingernails. i like to think nothing is wrong internally. i know the feeling of not wanting to be a burden to someone. when you need someone that way you want them to tell you you're alright, but you don't want them to think you're an attention whore. so you talk yourself out of opening up...right? that's what i do. don't be afraid to ask for help, support, a hug, whatever. hang in there, babygirl.


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