Right now, at this moment, I am in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in. I'd say it's approximate to the height of my eating issues in my junior year of high school. I'm terrified to leave my room, even more terrified to go to the dining hall or the library (where I'm required to go), because I'm scared I'm going to mess something up in my pledging process. I'm terrified of people generally, and this process is literally eating me from the inside out. I can't stand thinking that I did something wrong, I hate doing things wrong. Any little thing I can't do, or don't do correctly makes me want to vomit.
I ate my first full meal in the dining hall today, and I actually ate food. Mac n cheese, a brownie, and maybe a quarter of an ice cream cone. I was so full after the first couple bites, but I had to eat a little more. I had an almost-grey-out in ballet yesterday and it was terrifying. I can't be passing out when I'm still so fat.
I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Last I knew I was about ten pounds lower than the beginning of this summer. I hope I lost weight this week.
It makes me really sad how much support my roommate's boyfriend gives her. I'm really jealous. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't ave anyone that I can legitimately be emotional in front of. I don't think I'll ever find someone that I can be emotional in front of.
I really want someone.
Maybe because I want it so bad, that's why I can't get it.
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I understand. I want the same thing. But we can't just snatch our fingers and have it so we'll just have to band together, okay?
ReplyDeleteThink about everything that you have been through. You are a strong women. Believe that you can do this. Breathe, Chin up, shoulders back. You can do this.