Still around

    I am still processing a bit right now. I lost an old friend a few weeks ago to a car accident. We hadn't spoken in a long time, but she was actually one of my campers from my first years as a camp counselor, and I watched her grow up at camp. She was only 23. 

    Since August, I have lost about 10lbs through my nutritionist's plan for me. It's frustrating because the insidious disordered eating part of me is constantly whispering that things are moving too slowly. And to be fair, they are (mostly because of me). I had a monstrous four-day food and alcohol binge this past weekend visiting friends, which is probably the only slightly acceptable excuse. I spent $75 on vegetables and healthy food for this week in an attempt to make up for it... We'll see how that goes.

    I'm also currently working on a baby blanket for another friend of mine who has a shower coming up. I'm praying that I won't run out of the yarn I'm using again, because they only had one skein of it when I last went to the store. It's going to be grey granny squares with a white border and it will have little pink flowers decorating it. Maybe I'll take a picture once it's done, but I have to... you know, finish it first. And then get started on a new one, since I have more friends trying to get pregnant now.

    Overall, my life is not particularly interesting these days. There's no boy drama (because I'm fat and unattractive, mainly), there's no friend drama (because we're all adults and don't start shit anymore), there's no work drama (because my job is amazing and I would die before leaving it)... 

    I'm currently 27 years old, turning 28 in February. I started blogging at 16. I am... ridiculously fat right now. I'm making a goal for myself that I will be back to a healthy weight/"normal" weight BMI by 30 years old. I want to run again (but I can't, because my knees ache). I want to go backpacking again (knees). I want to be able to sleep in my hammock without having to stress about not being compliant with my CPAP (that one isn't a weight thing, it's an overbite thing, but still). I want to have energy and I want to find someone to be with for the rest of my life. 

    Being alone is exhausting. 

Moving forward

I've written, deleted, and rewritten this post about a dozen times now. I'll be honest - I did not really expect to get replies of any kind on my last post. It was especially crazy to hear from Anne! Hi Anne! It's been a really long time since I've heard from you, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you. Keep an eye out for an email from me <3

It's taken me so long to write this. I've been stuck on what Bella said - my last post would have been a great way to end things. But I'm bad at goodbyes, and things... aren't over.

Some recent updates to my life:

-I just celebrated one year at my current job and in my current apartment, which has given me the time and extra money to take care of myself a little better than usual.

-I'm currently working with a nutritionist in an effort to start to repair my relationship with food. Right now I am trying to relearn hunger cues.

-I have a goal to write a novel at some point. Right now, I'm just working in finishing this blanket that I started crocheting over a year ago (it got lost in the move).

I've been a little overwhelmed thinking about writing a novel. It's something I always wanted to do, but never had the drive or motivation to accomplish. I've been toying with the idea of taking my old blog posts and editing them into a novel. There's certainly enough material there. But I wonder - is it a cheap, lazy cop out to do that? And also... Would it even be something that publishers would consider worth reading?

(Probably not, unless I turned the ending into some cheap "I learned to love myself and now everything is all better" self-help bullshit)

Life marches on, whether we're ready or not. 

Did it again

Missed my anniversary again. Have not been making good food choices lately, but I am 6 years free of purging.


It's been a long time since I've used Blogger regularly. It feels very different now.


When I first started blogging, on my original blog (not this one), I was 16 years old. It was 2009. I was scared and lonely and felt like I had no one.
On Blogger, I found a community of broken people, full of problems and mistakes, where we all fit together perfectly. The summer after I started my blog, I started work at a summer camp that became my home. I met people who changed my life, who accepted me as I was and taught me valuable lessons. Probably the most valuable lessons took me many years to accept, and sometimes I still doubt the truth of it. I worked there full-time for seven years, and still go back on a regular basis to help out and visit the place and the people I love.


I am worthy of love, even if I still struggle to love myself.
I am appreciated by my friends and family, even if they don't speak the words aloud.
I am here on Earth, living a life, and I like the general direction I'm in, even if some of the specifics aren't ideal.



Since my first blog post in 2009, I have done so much. I graduated from high school, then college. I went to grad school and got my Master's Degree. I have a full time job with the government now (pot-smoking, been-arrested-once, constantly-finding-trouble me - can you believe it??). I know that I am not healthy. I've gained a lot of weight (16-year-old me would be appalled), but I've made peace with the fact that getting back to a healthy weight will take time. I know that I will never have the body I always wanted, the tinyslim, flat stomached, thigh-gapped perfection that haunted my sketchbooks. But the body that I have has literally carried me over mountains. And that is something to remind myself of when I'm feeling bad that my pants won't button.



This may be my last blog post, and it may not. I feel like I come on here once a year or so to check on everyone. I don't know how many (if any) of you are still out there. Things are crazy in the world right now. But I love you, and I hope you are safe.



Love,
Charlie

I always miss my anniversary

But as of February 8, 2019, I am 5 years without purging.


There have been a few times that I've seriously considered it in the past five years. One was this past weekend, when I had to call 911 on a suicidal friend (who now hates me, so that's great). But I didn't purge, so I guess that's okay.

Inspirational words

"I am the one thing in life I can control, I am inimitable, I am an original."


I've spent a long time hating myself and doing things to myself that make me hate myself even more. I am back on the Keto wagon (for now), and I am currently tapering off of my Adderall for a non-stimulant ADHD treatment (Wellbutrin). We'll see how it goes.
Every time I get one of these new medications, the doctors always say, "Well one of the side effects is typically weight loss" and to that I laugh and say (in my head), "You underestimate my bingeing abilities."

Overall life is uninteresting right now. I am not particularly social as I do not like how I look, which means it's been a lot of sleeping and working and binge-watching Netflix. I opened at work today at 5AM, so I want to take a nap right now but my room is so cold it's impossible, so I'm sitting in the kitchen.

Nothing sounds particularly appetizing to me right now besides a Mocha Frappe from McDonald's (which I can't have). It's like 900 calories and 95g carbs and so delicious but not worth it. I got addicted to them over the summer (got one almost every morning on my way to work), but I can't afford that life anymore. Weight-wise or money-wise.


Maybe I'll dig my heated blanket out of storage.

This week's wins and setbacks

I honestly don't even remember the last time I updated this blog, but I miss it, and all you lovely people.
I say that a lot I guess.
Quick recap of the past couple of months:
-Real fat
-Got personal trainer
-Started keto diet (very low carb, high protein, high fat)
-Enjoy keto diet, but enjoy candy and ice cream more
-Two more sessions with trainer before camp
-Have not lost weight but clothes fit a little better.

And so we get to today:

Most of the past week I was entirely in a fog. I forgot to refill my ADHD medication, and kind of turn into less than a person when I don't take it for an extended period of time. I definitely did not follow my keto diet like I should have this week, because I lose a lot of impulse control off my meds and have a tendency to fixate on things like food. Which, now that I'm writing it, feels like a really shitty excuse for having no impulse control. I guess ultimately I really dislike needing medication to feel like a whole human.

I ended up getting in a pretty big fight with my mother, because she's convinced that I am depressed and need to get in to see a therapist. I, however, do not believe that I am depressed. Do I have a lot of other issues that would warrant a visit to a therapist? Absolutely. I was walking around Target, on the phone with her, while we had this conversation, where she absolutely cannot admit that the only reason my dad "cares" is because he doesn't want a fat daughter. He hates the fact that I'm less than perfect, probably because I remind him of the worst parts of himself. I had a rough day at work, forgot to bring food for snack and dinner, and all I wanted was chocolate. So there I am, wandering around the candy aisle, arguing with my mother. She asked if I was driving home, and I told her no, I'm wandering in Target. She immediately got the "I know you're about to make bad money and bad food decisions" tone that she has perfected over the years. Honestly, all I wanted to do was prove her right. Instead, I went to a different aisle, grabbed a protein snack (which is probably still not on the diet, because it has deli-type ham, but is a better option than a bag full of mini-Snickers) and two mozzarella cheese sticks. Confession: I did also get a candy bar on my way to the register.

One of the things my trainer wants me to be doing is working through my emotions without food. I'm trying. It's... a struggle. I ate the candy bar on the drive home and realized that while I did feel better after eating it, it wasn't a satisfied better. It was numb and emotionless. I was a void, a black hole, sucking down sugar and calories in an effort to fill the gaps in my soul.

I mean, my fat ass still ate the candy bar. But at least I didn't binge?

I want to eat everything.

Ice cream. Chips. Cheese. Chicken nuggets. Candy. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Popcorn. Cereal. Popsicles. Milk. Butter. Pizza.


I want to eat everything inside of this house and then roar and swish my lizard tail and eat everything in the closest grocery store.

Long, hot summer.

It's been one hell of a summer, let me just start by saying that. I lived in a brand new state for ten weeks, and sweated my ass off, working at a new camp. I lost 26 lbs.
But that's not enough, of course not.
I need to lose more.
I need to lose more weight before this stupid wedding.
I think I actually conned someone into being my stupid date for this stupid wedding, how crazy is that?

School starts tomorrow. I have a job interview on Friday. So that's life right now. I love you all very much.

Low

I am feeling not so great lately. I've had more thoughts about purging in the past three months than I have in a long time.
I haven't actually acted on the thoughts, but I've come close.

I am worthless.
I am nothing.
I am an earthworm on the pavement, shriveled and crispy.

Two finals down...

One project (due 7pm today) and one final (take home portion due tomorrow at 4pm, in-class portion tomorrow at 4:20pm) left to go.

Then it's time to pack my life up and head back home. I'm so anxious about everything that I'm paralyzed. I haven't even started this project yet, I've just been sitting in bed eating peach gummies and watching pointless videos while waiting for my meds to kick in.

I think I need a different antidepressant prescription, or at least something stronger. The one I'm on doesn't really seem to do much.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I love hearing from you <3

Endings and beginnings

This week, finals week, marks the end of my first year of grad school. One more semester, and I will have my master's degree and will be searching for a full time job.
On June 3, I leave for North Carolina, 10 hours away from home, to start my new summer job. This will be my first summer in 7 years away from the camp I love, and it will be the longest and farthest I've ever been from home.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
But I am excited, too.

I've spent the last week packing up my things and bringing stuff home. I officially move out of my apartment this coming Friday. I will miss it. But I think that living on my own is not healthy for me. Weight-wise, depression-wise, procrastination-wise. I have a lot to do in the next week, and it's stressing me out.
But I think I'll make it.

Off the wagon

I have officially gained back all the weight I lost last year. It's made me moody and grumpy and antisocial and blah.
I just can't stop fucking eating.
Sweets and pizza and carbs on carbs. I feel like the mayor from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. One day, losing weight and happy, the next day, I've ballooned 45 lbs.

I'm on antidepressants now. I don't remember if I've mentioned that.
I don't know that they work.
It's a super low dose, so that probably has some effect. The only good thing they do is help me sleep. It's really hard to fall asleep on Adderall.

None of my clothes fit anymore. Not even my XL tshirts. Well, I guess they "fit". But I prefer my clothes to be baggy. I miss how small I was back in high school. I'd like to get there again. Maybe soon.

Been considering veganism. Definitely going dairy-free, as I think I'm lactose intolerant. We'll see what happens.

Spoke too soon

Last night, after 3 hours of sleep, 20+ hours without food and 12+ hours working on an intense assignment, I ate some pretty crappy food. Did you know that those personal-sized frozen pizzas are upwards of 600cals? That's just ridiculous to me. Almost ridiculous as the "1/2 pizza" serving size (so the food doesn't look like a total calorie bomb). I know portions, especially in the U.S., are ridiculously large, but it's ridiculous to think that half of this tiny ass pizza is a full meal.
I also got candy, and after two Reese's PB cups, one king size Snickers and five or six mini Milky Way bites, I was done. I thought I was gonna puke.
It's a crap ton of godawful food, but nothing compared to what I usually eat.


Today I am trying to recover from the lack of sleep, but not really succeeding. Love you all.

Okay

Trigger warning: numbers follow

I've been doing pretty okay the past week. Things are kind of coming together as they usually do after I have several weeks of apathy.



I've been working on keeping my calorie count below 1500, preferably at 1200 per day. I have had candy only twice since last week (one king size Milky Way and one king size Snickers). Shockingly enough, I didn't even go over my calorie counts for those two days.
I'm down about three pounds, which is no doubt water weight, but it's nice to see the scale drop instead of steadily increase.

Last year from April to August, I lost 50lbs. I gained 37 of them back from September to March. I'd like to lose those 37lbs before I leave for my summer job (600 miles away from home).
I want my clothes to fit. I want to go into a dressing room and be surprised by how big things are on me, instead of struggling to squeeze my fat ass into clothes that are too small. I want to feel comfortable in jeans again instead of always wearing stretchy leggings. I want to feel comfortable in my professional clothes instead of t-shirts and sweatshirts and flannels.

Don't know what's wrong with me.

All I want to do is sleep all day long.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't new, but it used to be that I couldn't sleep due to my Adderall. Now, it's like not even that prescription (which was upped in December) can keep me from sleeping all day.
I don't know if I'm sick or depressed or what.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the antidepressants my doctor prescribed. Or the fact that I've been off them for the past week.
I dunno though. I want to say I doubt it, because it was such a small dose, but on the other hand... I was doing really well before I went off them. They helped curb the insomnia from the Adderall, which was the only thing I really noticed, but that meant I actually got a good night of sleep.


But right now, all I want to do is lay in bed. I'm not even all that excited by the prospect of food (not that it keeps me from eating like a wildebeest).
I hate feeling like this.

When I was younger...

I have some pictures of myself from during my major restricting phase.
It's interesting now to look at them.
When I saw them during that phase, I thought I looked huge.
A few years ago, during my purging phase, I thought I looked tiny.


Looking at them now, all I see is a normal sized seventeen year old. And it honestly kind of bothers me how much I hated myself all during that time. Actually, a lot of these pictures are from the time when I was starting to find value in myself as a person, when I started working at camp.


Now, I'm a huge monster-beast. But it's cool, I guess.

Anniversary

I missed my anniversary again. I'm shit with remembering things.
It was on February 8th.

February 8th, 2017 marked 3 years being purge-free. 

Now if only I could make it a week without bingeing.

It's been awhile...

And I'm sorry about that. Currently trying to get caught up on all of your blogs. Taking 15 grad school credits this semester. Working.

One of my friends is getting married in October. She found her wedding dress today, and afterwards we looked around at bridesmaids dresses.
Of the available dresses, a large, overstuffed rack of chiffon and tulle, there were a grand total of 3 dresses that were large enough for me to actually try on.
All of the other girls had five or six dresses that they tried on. All of them were too big for them.


I want to lose 80lbs by the October wedding (and my September dress fitting). 80lbs is doable. I did the math, and it works out to around 2.5lbs a week. But I actually have to maintain that for eight months.
I'm waiting as long as possible to put a deposit down on my dress, not because it's expensive (even though it is), but to see if I can lose any more weight before the cutoff date and maybe order down another size.
I am so fat.
On the bright side, I didn't gain any weight over the holidays.
On the not bright side, I've still gained 25lbs since August.
Gross.

Failure and old friends

So the guy from over the summer? The nineteen year old?
A few weeks ago he came to visit and we got drunk, and we made out.
Quite honestly I don't think I could even imagine fucking him.
But I like making out with people.


I have a scale now. And the scale tells me I've gained 10 lbs since August.
Which is disgusting.
Which is awful.
Which will take me far too long to lose again.

I had to cancel my weight loss doctor appointment last week due to car trouble.
Thank God. I don't know what I would do if the scale was up from the last time I was there.
Probably cry.
And then go eat a pint of ice cream.

Anne, I'm so glad to hear from you. It's been a long time. There's not many people left from the "old days" (back eight years ago, if that counts as "old days"), so it's really nice to reconnect.

Today I Ate:
1/2 cup cranberry juice (55)
1 Red Delicious apple (80)
1 granola bar (150)
1 iced coffee (120)
Teriyaki chicken, broccoli, and red pepper stir-fry (306)
Total: 711

I didn't work out today, which kind of sucked. But I worked almost 8 hours, which will be nice come paycheck time. I have so much work for school piled up, I just know it's going to be a rough weekend.

I've gained about five or six pounds since August.
I would have been working out all this week, but a foot injury set me out of the game for awhile. (Crutches blow, by the way.)



Need to lose weight.
Need to not be fat.