Wednesday, February 15, 2017

When I was younger...

I have some pictures of myself from during my major restricting phase.
It's interesting now to look at them.
When I saw them during that phase, I thought I looked huge.
A few years ago, during my purging phase, I thought I looked tiny.

Looking at them now, all I see is a normal sized seventeen year old. And it honestly kind of bothers me how much I hated myself all during that time. Actually, a lot of these pictures are from the time when I was starting to find value in myself as a person, when I started working at camp.

Now, I'm a huge monster-beast. But it's cool, I guess.


  1. There are photos from my super-restrictive days that I just cannot look at now. Half my brain knows I looked sick, and the other half tells me I was still not thin enough.

    I wish I had photos from the WWE-obsessed days. (don't ask) The BMI calculator called me "overweight," but honestly that was probably the healthiest I've ever been, and the best I've ever looked.

    Knowing the value of your own self means so much more than numbers. <3

  2. honestly, i look at photographs of myself at my smallest and think, 'oh, you were so small.' ironically, the difference between then and now is maybe an inch on hips, and not even 1/2 on my waist. though i think i look absolutely different, because i've put on 20lbs since then.

    i think i've come to terms with the fact that regardless of what i was or how much i weigh, i will always have a dissociation with my current body. and i think you know that because i know you said you don't feel any different now as you did before. and i think that that's something you really have to work on because honestly, i understand it. and it takes a lot from you.

    you are not a huge monster beast. you are a PERSON. and i don't care how you look like. i love you because you are yourself.

    i think they're right. i mean... about accepting your body in the state that it is. i look at my body and i'm like, alright. i look normal sized. that's great. i don't look as bad as i did at x weight. just anything to get me to accept how i look like that morning. and i'm trying to make that more important than anything. because i might never actually lose the weight i want to lose. i might always be stuck at this body, but that doesn't have to be so bad.

    i love you. please take care of yourself.

    and i hope one day you know that you are much more than just a number. because you never were to me. ever.

    - Sam Lupin


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