Missed my anniversary again. Have not been making good food choices lately, but I am 6 years free of purging.
It's been a long time since I've used Blogger regularly. It feels very different now.
When I first started blogging, on my original blog (not this one), I was 16 years old. It was 2009. I was scared and lonely and felt like I had no one.
On Blogger, I found a community of broken people, full of problems and mistakes, where we all fit together perfectly. The summer after I started my blog, I started work at a summer camp that became my home. I met people who changed my life, who accepted me as I was and taught me valuable lessons. Probably the most valuable lessons took me many years to accept, and sometimes I still doubt the truth of it. I worked there full-time for seven years, and still go back on a regular basis to help out and visit the place and the people I love.
I am worthy of love, even if I still struggle to love myself.
I am appreciated by my friends and family, even if they don't speak the words aloud.
I am here on Earth, living a life, and I like the general direction I'm in, even if some of the specifics aren't ideal.
Since my first blog post in 2009, I have done so much. I graduated from high school, then college. I went to grad school and got my Master's Degree. I have a full time job with the government now (pot-smoking, been-arrested-once, constantly-finding-trouble me - can you believe it??). I know that I am not healthy. I've gained a lot of weight (16-year-old me would be appalled), but I've made peace with the fact that getting back to a healthy weight will take time. I know that I will never have the body I always wanted, the tinyslim, flat stomached, thigh-gapped perfection that haunted my sketchbooks. But the body that I have has literally carried me over mountains. And that is something to remind myself of when I'm feeling bad that my pants won't button.
This may be my last blog post, and it may not. I feel like I come on here once a year or so to check on everyone. I don't know how many (if any) of you are still out there. Things are crazy in the world right now. But I love you, and I hope you are safe.
Love,
Charlie
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It’s good to see a post from you. The blogosphere seems to empty lately.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on another year! I know it can’t be easy, but that’s an amazing achievement.
You’ve come so far in the past decade. You really do sound at peace with yourself, and it’s wonderful to hear.
Take care of yourself. I hope you’ll post again some day, but if this is your last post, I’m glad it’d end on a good note.
<3
made a throwaway email just to comment on this it's Anne! I literally come on here about once a year too just to check in and see if you've posted! omg this made me cry?? idk why? probably because ive been inside for so many days and i'm emotional as FUCK but i've been thinking about the old blogspot days too. that community was definitely filled with so many amazing, fucked up in the best and worst way people that I definitely appreciate for getting me through some shit times. I remember your old blog vividly I swear it felt like we got to go to that summer camp with you because you described it so perfectly, ok I'm rambling but fuck it this brought up some shit for me lmao. I'm so glad you're doing so well, 6 years is AMAZING and super inspiring and I'm so so excited for you! I went from grad school to drugs (still graduated and all.. somehow.. lol) finally cleaned up about a year and a half ago but it's a long road. I hope I can get to where you are mentally someday soon, I want so much to be kinder to my body, it just feels kind of engrained in me to hate it after all this time you know? but ok I'm going to stop, just know that I'm still here cheering you on and i'm sure I'm not alone, and if you ever want to chat you can shoot me an email this is the only thing i've ever used this email for so should be safe lol sending so much love and hope you and your family are safe!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxxox
ReplyDeleteanatw117@gmail.com
OMG I just went to your old blog because YES i still remember the url because my brain holds onto the craziest tidbits of info and I didn't realize it was still up and now i'm reading through it and it's almost a nice remember to realize how far we really all have come, but also a beautiful blast of nostalgia that is so comforting ok im leaving you alone now!
ReplyDeleteIt was so nice to read this (possibly last) post from you. I'm glad you're in a better place, Charlie. I can't even believe it's been that long, to be honest! So much has changed since. I hope you continue on your path to self acceptance. I'll miss your posts but I'm so, so happy that you're entering a new chapter in your life.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best, hun!
Stay healthy.