Bingeface McGee

Is what everyone should call me from now on.
I'm so ashamed of everything I ate yesterday I couldn't bring myself to write it all down, because when I write it all down, I can't help but count up the calories and I know it was upwards of 5,000 at least.

Yesterday my weight was 220.4, leading me to believe that my scale was previously wrong when it recorded me at 219.whatever. Today it was 221.8 which is almost 222 which is almost halfway to 300.
Like, holy shit I am so fat.


Nothing so far today, but it's only 11AM. My mom is coming to bring me home today, I have a weeklong break. Read: one week of monumental bingeing where I can hide and no one questions me. Wouldn't be surprised if I came back at 300 pounds, to be honest.
I'm gonna make her buy me frozen yogurt before we leave town.

#fatass

Holy shit.

I ate like a fatass today, what else is new. Food diary to follow after this revelation.
I've been looking at pictures from me at my lowest weight and HOLY SHIT. Like I certainly wasn't skinny, but comparing myself now to back then I kind of actually hate myself. Like I was one of the girls I would be jealous of now. I found a picture that back then I detested I thought I looked fat as shit. My stomach looks almost flat. I mean, obviously we all know it never has been, but IT LOOKS LIKE IT.





Food today:
-About a thousand dark chocolate covered pomegranate thingies (350)
-1 turkey sandwich (215)
-Handful of sweet potato chips (120)
-White roasted potatoes (100)
-1 1/2 tablespoons ketchup (30)
-1 Rocky Road Klondike bar (230)
-1 glass of milk (100)

Total: 1025

So, I guess not terrible, but not great either.
I wish I could say that the whole "eating dinner" thing is just so people don't get suspicious, but I'm not going to lie to the only people in my life who are 100% honest with me 100% of the time. I ate everything because my mouth craved it, and the only reason I didn't go back for seconds was because there were no more potatoes left.
I am gross.

Surprises.

Thank you guys. You're always so supportive, even when I'm a hot bingeing mess. I woke up (at 11:30, today is my day off), and weighed myself.
I had to weigh myself six or seven times to make sure the scale wasn't off, but I'm back down to 219.4.
Even after the two beers I had last night.


Hopefully I'll be able to not binge for the rest of the day and go to bed hungry.

I am the fattest of pigs.

-1 package of chicken-flavored ramen noodles (380)
-1 package of Krave (210)
-4 pancakes (344)
-A lot of syrup (115)
-1 everything bagel (280)
-4 tablespoons of cream cheese (196)
-2 glasses of milk (200)
-1 1/2 glass of orange juice (180)

Total: 1905


That's the highest calorie count I've had since the weekend.

Dear God.

8:01 PM

So I didn't get to weight myself. I went downstairs and had two pieces of fake buttered toast with cinnamon sugar (200) and a glass of milk (110) anyway. So I guess that's a disgustingly huge 1510. Wow.

@Sammy Sam Sam; cinnamon sugar is basically like 1 part cinnamon, two parts granulated sugar. It's heavenly. The reason that the sweet potato rolls are so high is because the sweet potato is fried in tempura before it's made so it's like deep fried sweet potato in a rice and seaweed wrap. The quinoa pizza bites are actually like, REALLY good, surprisingly. And if I had a car and money, I would binge on hamburgers and chicken nuggets and ice cream everyday. But I'm pretty much landlocked to my house or school.

You guys are all great, I love your comments so much. <3


I'm going to try my hardest not to weigh myself again tonight. All I want to do is go downstairs and binge binge binge. I want a bagel with loads of cream cheese, and ramen noodles, and sugary cereal and a turkey sandwich, and chicken nuggets, and a milkshake, and all of the chocolate in the world. Ugh.

7:16 PM

As of RIGHT NOW, I have consumed a whopping total of 1200 calories today.
-1 piece of toast (60)
-1/2 tablespoon fake butter (30)
-Smidge of cinnamon sugar (10)
 -2 sweet potato tempura rolls (277 each)
-1 cucumber roll (136)
-Maybe 20 edamame beans (estimating here at 49? If anyone really knows, please tell me!)
-1 large chai tea (140) with whipped cream (24)
-1 large M&M and chocolate chip cookie (200)

Gross.
After eating sushi, I was so full I thought I was going to puke... Like actually puke, not like I want to purge.

Speaking of purging, I haven't purged since Thanksgiving, which is a really long time for me. As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 months of no purging, officially. :) I'm gonna weigh myself, I think, and based on that weight I'll decide if I'm going to have another piece of toast or not.

To eat or not to eat.

That is always, always, ALWAYS the question. I think I am going to have dinner, even though I just weighed myself and I weighed in at 222.2 (FREAKING AGAIN I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THIS NUMBER).

Today I ate:
-10 baby carrots
-1 cupcake
-1 brownie (with cupcake frosting)
-1 tortilla chip with 1 tsp salsa
-Frozen yogurt with a shit ton of awful stuff on top
-1 and 2/3 pieces of pepperoni-bacon pizza


Which for a Sunday is a lot.

My scale was fucking up this morning telling me I was up at 223.8 and I freaked out and probably weighed myself about fifteen to twenty times. I switched it from lbs to kg and back and it went back down to 221, but it was scary as all hell. Like I knew it couldn't be right because I know I didn't eat like 14,000 calories, but I wanted to strangle something.

Binge Monstah.

That's what I am.
Yesterday I ate...
-Tons of cheese cubes
-5 crackers
-2 pieces of pineapple
-1 cookie
-5 mini bags of Cadbury Eggs
-2 slices of pizza with bacon and pepperoni
-Bacon and pepperoni picked off of aforementioned pizza
-7 or 8 quinoa pizza bites (quinoa, egg, mozzarella cheese, spices) with pizza dipping sauce
-3 cups of skim milk

Obviously, I gained weight, and I'm back up to 221.4, but I'm not beating myself up. Because this means that my "stable" weight is 221, approximately, which means I can get back down in a matter of maybe a day.

For my birthday (which is a week from Monday, yay!) I want to be hovering around 215-216. Maybe a bit of a stretch, I'd be cool with 217 too.

Dear God.

I feel like I already titled a post with that, but whatever.

So last night, I was obviously drunk and obviously not high.
My stomach was rebelling from all the food I ate yesterday apparently, and I was shitting every fifteen minutes. Crazy stomach cramps and whatnot. I know, TMI, but whatevs.
So I went home early with one of my sisters (early being like... 12:30 AM) because I didn't feel great and diarrhea+fraternity bathroom+no toilet paper is an absolute NO.
We came home, and I went to the bathroom, and my sister made food (leftover mac and cheese). When I got down, she offered me some, and was absolutely SHOCKED when I said no. Obviously, that didn't last and I ended up having maybe 10-12 bites of mac and cheese and one tortilla chip.

Long story short, I have to go to a sister's swim meet right now, I'll edit this and elaborate later, but I woke up at 218.6! Hallelujah, praise the gods, this is a good day.

1:56 AM

So after drinking, I still weigh the same as after I ate dinner, so hopefully the number won't be too high tomorrow when I wake up.

I literally hate everyone and all of the fucking promises they all break and I just want to snap someone's neck. I think I could do it if I tried.

3:36 PM

Today I woke up officially at 8:00. Weighed 220.4, which was nice considering my 3 AM weight.
My roommate convinced me to go with her to the dining hall and I had
-1 cup of water (0)
-1 hamburger, with bun, ketchup, and mustard (250)
-13 french fries, also with ketchup (245)
-1 soft serve chocolate cone (177)
-1/2 rice krispie treat (45)

That total is 717 which is a whole fucking lot I know.

That plus dinner and alcohol is gonna equal a major weight gain.

But I weighed myself an hour ago (so maybe 3 hours after eating?) and I weighed 219.4. I had to get on and off several times to be sure, but that's what it said.
So maybe not. If I can control myself at dinner.

3:29 AM

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning all night with weird dreams. I wake up almost every hour on the hour.

I don't know why. I ate like the fat ass I am yesterday.
Weighed in at 222.2 about an hour ago. Gross.

I went to the doctor today. With all my clothes, on the fancy doctor scale, I weighed 224. I was mortified.


Also I've been chewing at the inside of my cheek. It's starting to hurt, so maybe I should stop.


What I ate yesterday:
-1 Snickers bar (250)
-1 bag of Fritos (310)
-1 bag of peanut M&Ms (250)
-1 1/2 cups of white rice (309)
-1/2 cup ketchup (134)
-1 yogurt (80)
-1 1/2 cups skim milk (135)


Total: 1468




Holy shit.
That is so much.


I'm going to try to save all my calories for dinner tonight, we're having mac and cheese, which is one of my biggest weaknesses, and also a party, so I have to eat if I don't want to puke... But I don't know if I want to drink that much either. I don't have money for more liquor, and I have maybe a quarter of a bottle of coconut rum left (I like rum and club soda... so good, and the only calories are from the rum), I definitely am not drinking beer, because ugh. Maybe I'll drink my rum, then once I get to the party I'll just smoke. Deal.

72

I have 72 pounds to go before I'm finally at a "healthy" category BMI... I've never been there before. I've been three pounds away close, but I've never quite been there.

Bleh.

I had four pieces of curry chicken tonight and about two bites of rice. Water with dinner, and two bruschetta toasts (minus the tomatoey bruschetta part). Right now I'm making peanut butter cookies because I was craving something sweet... It was either peanut butter cookies or go to the store and drown myself in ice cream.
I think I chose the better option.

Plus I can leave these cookies for other people to eat.

Fatten these bitches up.

Slowly dying.

I hate being sick. Especially when it gets to my throat, because then I can't sing. And singing/playing the guitar are the only things that consistently make me happy every single time.

@PrettyLies; For the month of January, I only have one class from 9 to about 11 every day except Wednesday, so I have way too much free time. I spend most of it sleeping though. :)
@Sam Lupin; I can't even handle you. Your comments make me giggle hysterically and I think people think there's something wrong with me. ;) With what I binged last night, I might as well be a giant fucking cookie monster too haha.



So yesterday, here is what I ate:
-Egg
-Toast
-Yogurt
-Chips and homemade salsa
-Chicken noodle soup
-Froyo with shittyawful, calorie-filled toppings

And then I got high...
-1 and 1/2 bagels with cream cheese
-Like 1/4 of a cheesecake
-2 pieces of bacon
-A turkey&bacon sandwich, white bread, mayo
-Tons and tons of orange juice


Before my bingefest, I weighed 222.4, in clothing. After, I weighed 225.6, in clothing.
I barely slept at all last night, so I was worried about the scale this morning. Luckily it was 221.4. So I don't have to hate myself quite as much today. I think I'm going to go have another can of chicken noodle soup (120) and try my best not to count the calories in orange juice today.

I am a giant binge monster.

Also I can't sleep because my nose is so stuffed up.

Brrrr.

It's really cold today. So cold, that after walking home from class, my inner ears hurt from breathing out of my mouth. And that's because I'm sick and can't breathe from my nose. Ugh.

Thank you all for your beautiful comments! They were absolutely lovely and very surprising and made me smile. :) Yes, living in my sorority house is kind of a bitch because, well, girls. But it's not nearly as bad as some other people probably have it. Only about 17 or 18 people can live in my house (we're a small chapter), and during the month of January only about 10 people are living here. There's only one other girl who's about my size, one who's just a smidge smaller than me, and the rest are all tiny.

As I type this, I have just finished making breakfast: one egg, scrambled, with salt, pepper, and herbes de Provence (70), a single slice of toast with 1/2 tablespoon of fake butter (90), tea and water (both 0). Earlier I had half a cup of apple juice to take my pills with.. So that puts me at 220 at 10:00 AM, which is kind of a lot... But the girl who is my size just ate approximately 2 cups of fried rice and two pieces of toast, each with a tablespoon of butter. So that made me feel good while I sipped my tea.

I think when I wake up from my nap, I'll have a yogurt (80) and we'll see how I feel about eating from there. The more I stay in my room, the less I eat. The less I eat, the more attractive I become.

Daylight.

Today I have had about 406 calories.

-4 Valentine lollipops (104)

-8 bites of homemade pizza (260)

-1/2 small banana (36)

-6 raspberries (6)

Plus orange juice, but I think I'm going to avoid counting that because I'm sick and need the vitamin C..

I'm waiting for my sorority sisters to come home.. They said they would bring me back froyo, but I don't know what kind or how much or what toppings and I only have 394 calories left for the day...

Edit:

Here's what I ended up with:

Coffee and plain swirl frozen yogurt, with cookie dough, cheesecake pieces, Oreo pieces, M&Ms, mini peanut butter cups, and chocolate syrup, and probably more stuff I can't see.

Ugh. All right, nothing else the rest of tonight, and potentially a 24 hour fast after I finish this.

Smoke&Eat&Sleep

All my life has been for the month of January has been smoke, eat, sleep, repeat. I'm starting to cut out the eating. I had an "I'm going crazy, and oh my God I can't fall back asleep, might as well drink gallons of Diet Coke and watch the sun rise."
Luckily, for the month of January, I only have one class to go to.
And it only meets Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. So it works.

I'm going to hit a brick wall once I start the semester for real though.

I'm living in a new place, my sorority house. It's nice, because our house mom isn't allowed to really buy junk food. On the downside, there is a fully stocked kitchen that now I can't stop thinking about.

Goddammit.