I wish

I wish I could just reach into my body and scrape out all the fat and throw it away. I wish I was actually attractive, and that every time someone told me I looked beautiful that I didn't automatically assume they were lying.

Well, I haven't really lost any weight.

It's been two weeks, I've worked out and that just goes to show you that diet is like 3000% (rough estimate) of losing weight. Out of 14 days, I've worked out a total of 10 of them, which for me is pretty good.

But like, I've gained weight. Maybe from drinking, but who knows. Probably. Or maybe it's all of the ice cream I STUFF DOWN MY THROAT.

That could be it too.

I was embarassingly drunk last night.

I'm kind of over this townie, now I remember why I was kind of meh about him last year.
I'm still going to break up with my boyfriend though.

Too much, too much, too much.

On one note, I think I'll be breaking up with my boyfriend on Wednesday.

On another note, I feel really weird right now.
I THINK it's just my Ritalin kicking in, but it usually doesn't make me hot and sweaty. But I have taken three today, so there's that.

I feel like I'm going a mile a minute and everything else is passing by me so slowly. Like a fly could fly in front of my face and I would catch it. I could conquer the world.
But I'm really sweaty.


Also I have ice cream. Huzzah.

This is probably a really discombobulated post right now. I feel manic. I feel like if I don't DO something the whole world will fall apart. I'm constantly misspelling things because I'm trying to type as fast as my brain is moving.

Whoa.

Guys, it is so so SO hard not to just jump on this guy every time I see him. He's like 6'3, so he's almost a whole foot taller than me, and... Ugh. I could listen to him talk about freaking dust mites and still be interested. He has this deep, late-night radio announcer type voice.

He came over last night. Nothing happened, but we slept in the same bed and talked forever. I don't know. I just feel way more comfortable around him than I do my boyfriend. I'm not sure why.
I think I just don't really like my boyfriend all that much, and I never really have.


I'm going through like, severe mood swings right now. It may partially be because I didn't get to the gym today, and it may also be because I don't like this kid, and I have no reason to not like him, or maybe I do. Let's make a list.

Pros:
-Occasionally considerate
-Got me a really nice Christmas present (not being a materialistic bitch, we both decided we weren't doing presents and he just decided on his own to get one for me and even talked to my friends to see what I'd like)
-Nice enough
-Really likes me, God only knows why

Cons:
-Considers sex a "requirement" for a relationship
-Sucks at sex (and won't accept coaching, because apparently rapidfire jackhammer pace is what I want all the time, and I don't get a choice. *sarcasm*)
-Constantly pushes for sex without a condom, which, even though I'm on BC makes me really uncomfortable
-Has a lot of double standards
-Will occasionally slap/pinch/grab me in a "playful" way, even though I've told him multiple times that I don't like it and that it hurts more than he thinks it does


It's really hard to be objective about this though.

Hi.

I feel like I've been kind of missing.
It's only been two days but I feel like so much has happened.

I will be breaking up with my boyfriend soon. I don't know how soon. But soon.

I do this thing when I don't want to be with someone or friends with someone, where I just start being really antagonizing. It's nice, because then I don't have to do the relationship-severing. But like, I'm a bad person.

On a similar note, I really want to hook up with this other guy. I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend, trust me. But I've wanted to hook up with him since like the last time we hooked up.
So like pretty much how it looks is that I want to break up with my boyfriend, just to hook up with this other guy.
And that's partially it, but not completely.

I'm just tired of being in a relationship. How sad is that? We've been dating almost three months. That's just pathetic. I mean, it's my first actual relationship, but still...

The scale dipped below 225 today. It's a really shitty scale, it's not even digital, so I don't know how much I trust it.
I think I'm going to have to go buy one of my own.

Oh boy.

Today I ate like total crap.
I don't even want to get into it.

We did this thing called Crazy Eights today. It's eight different exercises, eight reps, eight times through. In our class time, we only got through six times, eight reps each, and holy crap am I going to be sore tomorrow.

I went to the gym on Friday, and got really drunk Friday night. I highly recommend you try a gin and ginger at some point in your life... Yum.

So I have a boyfriend, right? It's a nice relationship, but I don't really see it being long term, especially not once I graduate.
There's this guy who I hooked up with a few times last year (he's older, like 29. I'm 21), and he's actually back in town (he was in jail; I know, I sure know how to pick 'em) every so often. He's super hot, has the whole beard and man bun thing going.  I don't know what it is about the man bun, but show me a guy with a good one and I'm like... Not gonna be inappropriate, but use your imagination. And he's big too, like not fat (I mean, I think he might have gotten a little fat in jail), but he's tall and just like generally big, which obviously makes me feel better about myself since he obviously weighs more than me. But mostly because he's actually a giant.
On Friday night, he messaged me on Facebook and asked what I was doing that night, assuming I would be going to my friend's boyfriend's apartment that night (which is how we originally met). But my friend didn't go out Friday night, so I didn't really feel comfortable just showing up.
He said he would come over and we would hang out. This was around 3am.
Ten minutes later, he tells me "Oh, I'm gonna be a good person and not come over."
Turns out my friend's boyfriend, who is also somewhat friends with my boyfriend, convinced him not to come hang out.
I was so livid, like OH MY GOD I am not that terrible a person, I am not going to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean, I'm pretty terrible but I'm not THAT terrible.


Anyway, rant over. Sorry about it.

I ate a salad.

Shocking, I know.

So yesterday was a total body workout, that kicked my ass HARD. Today we relaxed a little with yoga, and I feel so great.
I really need to add yoga into my daily life. I mean, it kicked my ass too, but after I just feel like, "Wow, I could potentially conquer the world today."
Or eat a salad.

I did the latter.

Yesterday, eating was not great. I mostly grazed in the afternoon, I had fitness class until 1:30 and work at 3:30, so there wasn't much time for anything big. I had pizza for dinner and dessert. I love me some dessert. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup. And some Reese's holiday candy I found under my bed.

But the good news is, the pizza is gone. So there's no more of that nonsense.

Today, I've eaten:
-1 granola bar
-1 salad (lettuce, spinach, strawberries, carrots)
-1 piece of fried/oven chicken
-5 cherries
-1 cup of green tea

And I've been recording music. So there's that. :)

Things are okay.

I had my fitness class today, along with a meeting for my senior project. Which I have not started yet. It's due in three weeks. Fuck.

In fitness, we did a spin class today, which is just stationary bikes. It was really hard. I think the most difficult thing about it was how my my freakin' ass hurt! It still hurts, I think that seat bruised my butt bone. I really really REALLY need to unpack and organize my life, but I just don't wanna.. Ugh.

Today, I Ate:
-2 egg whites/1 yolk scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese
-2 pieces of white bread with margarine
-2 largeish raviolis
-1 bag Reese's Pieces
-2 slices of pepperoni pizza
-1 bag of peanut M&Ms
- 2 M&M cookies
-1 sugar-free RedBull

I don't feel like looking up calorie counts right now, and I'm not sorry about it.


@Lee; Yeah, drunk-eating is never a good time. It always seems perfect at the time, then in the morning, it's just like "What have I done??" But the whole drinking and being drunk thing is usually a good time. Someday soon I'm definitely going to have to cut alcohol out of my life. But today is not that day.

@Sam Lupin; I feel you so hard on being a Zumba nut. I'm actually obsessed and it's kind of not okay. But totally okay at the same time. Once I finish cleaning my room, I am going to sit down and watch the fuck out of those videos. Being a year purge-free is really daunting, but I feel so light (I know, ironic, I'm a fatass). That voice in my head that used to always nag me whenever I started feeling even a bit full is almost all but gone now. My teeth are better, my skin is better, I don't get wicked headaches anymore. I feel free. And yeah, the camp weight loss? Five pounds heavier. My clothes were falling off of me at the end of the summer. I had to punch new holes in all my belts. I'm pretty sure it's because of how physical my job is, because I lose weight every summer, but that summer, I never worked out, and I had just come off of a year of starving myself. Which, I guess goes to show you that exercise definitely improves weight loss (or fat loss in this case), but I'm lazy as all hell. P.S. I absolutely fucking love you too. <3

Back to school...

So I'm back. My life has exploded all over my room, so I'm going to spend the rest of today taking care of that.
My first class was today, I'm taking a fitness class for the month of January. Each week, Monday through Thursday, we cycle through a whole bunch of different workouts, like Zumba, cycling, and stuff like that. Today, we just did a fitness baseline, to see where we're starting, and at the end of the month, we'll do another assessment to see if anything has changed.
I'm going to start mapping out my meals (aka not eating 20 chicken nuggets on a Sunday night because I'm wasted... Cough last night cough).
I got a nice little new notebook to record everything in.

Also, I'm a month away from being purge-free for a year, and it kind of makes me want to cry a little bit. I never thought it would be possible.

Thank you for all your beautiful comments on my posts, they really brighten my day. :) I'm awful with commenting, but I'm going to try to get back into it.

@Lee; Here's to freaking hoping that this year will be better. I have faith. This past year was better than the two years before (for me, at least).
@Tali; I would LOVE it if you would send me your routines! I've been trying to get back into lifting forever and just can't seem to stick to anything. Once this class starts kicking my ass and all the New Years "Gotta Work Out/Bikini Body 2k15" bitches have left the gym, I'm going to try to get back into the gym as well!
@Kitty; Yeah, bread&carbs are actually some of the absolute worst triggers for my heartburn. Same with tomatoes and tomato byproducts (ketchup, sauce), beer, and chocolate... So basically my normal diet, haha. :) I just have to be more conscious of what I'm eating and if it's really worth it.

2015 Goals and such

So I need to start making a plan for 2015. I can't just sit around eating Haagen Dazs and M&Ms all day. SHOCKINGLY, despite all the drinking and fantastic food, I am the same weight I was when I left for New Hampshire, which means I've lost about 5 pounds over the past 3 weeks. Not fantastic, but for having strep twice and pneumonia, I think it's not too shabby.

I can't wait for Monday so I can get my new Ritalin prescription.

2015 Goals

-Lose at least 10 lbs a month
-Establish and follow an exercise program
-Eventually eliminate all/most junk food
-Continue caring for skin, try to avoid breakouts
-Get heartburn under control
-Eat at least 3 salads a week
-Keep a journal
-Move out of my parents house
-Support myself


I'll add to this as I think of more, I'm sure.

Happy New Years

I've been in New Hampshire eating a lot and drinking a fuck ton and getting fatter every day.
I think I want to break up with my boyfriend.
He's annoying.