This ALWAYS happens.

I swear to God.

Every single time I meet a guy or possibly like him, he meets my friends and then any chance I had is gone.
I figured it wouldn't happen as much in college...
Apparently not.


Every single guy I meet becomes obsessed with my pink-haired roommate.
And yeah, I guess she's pretty.
But she's awkward and talking to her is kind of uncomfortable, and she really only cares about herself and her problems.


Fuck. I mean, I know I'm a self-centered bastard, but when people are and can't admit it...

She even made a blog about these guys that are obsessed with her.
Ridiculous.


I'm just going to give up on life and friends and being happy. Maybe if I'm skinny, all those things will happen.

I hate being That Girl.

The one who is fun for a drunk hookup.
The one who you regret the morning after.
The one who gets shafted when you find a prettier girl.
The one who pretends like it doesn't bother her.
The one who is

Completely alone.

I have a new Tumblr, documenting a new event in my life.

http://trueconfessionsofachocoholic.tumblr.com/

I love you. Follow me. <3

I feel like a monster.

I've started a food journal, because I've been eating way too fucking much. 

"The secret side of me, I never let you see

I keep it caged but I can't control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it."

And I've purged more in the past two weeks than I did all summer. I'm really not very happy with this whole guy situation. 

The guy that is from my hometown, who I got drunk and high with and made out with has literally not talked to me since. I'm trying to decide if he's scared of me or just an asshole.

I don't want to think he's an asshole, because I really do think he's nice.

Maybe he thinks that I want something more and he doesn't.

Well, I don't. We can still be friends, jerk.

"I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster."

On another note, I love pistachios. I've been eating pistachios and Fun Dip for the past week compulsively. My friends don't understand. I think it's the whole need-for-taste thing. You know, that Marya Hornbacher talks about in "Wasted"? Like pure salt, pure sugar, etc.

Whatever.

Lyrics are from "Monster" by Skillet.

I told another friend.

Today. he told me, "Just don't let it get in the way of me or anyone else being able to see you."


So, I can do whatever I want?
Cool beans.

Today, in college, I ate...

Way too much.

-2 slices of pizza
-2 cookies
-1 can of Spaghetti-Os
-1 bowl of Easy Mac
-1 smoothie
-5 ice pops


And I'm about to go get chocolate from the vending machine.


Woo, fatass.


Maybe try fasting tomorrow. I have a callback for the musical, I hope I get a part so bad.

Maybe if I weren't so fat.

I had a fantastic fucking time last night.

Went to a party. Had some beer. Made out with one of my new friends. Went and smoked. Made out with him again.
Came back to substance-free housing.
Went to sleep.


Would've been nice if he'd walked me home.
He tried. Said it was "the right thing to do."

I said, "Fuck that. Don't just do something because it's the right thing to do. Go back to your room. Go to bed."


So he did. And I did.

And it was a good night.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 cup of coffee with two tablespoons of hot chocolate.
-1 FiberOne bar

Granted, it's only noon, and I probably will go get dinner, but right now, I'm being anti-social in my dorm room, considering doing homework.

The veggie burgers in the Commons are really good.
So are the milkshakes.


No, Charlie. No.
Called my dad today. He told me to go for a run.

To put this politely, Dad... Fuck you.

I do love my parents. I swear.
But shit. I haven't been eating a whole lot (for me, I realize most people on here eat about 10x less than me a day), and I think I may have lost a little weight already. I can't tell for sure, but my stomach seems a little flatter, my waist seems a little smaller.


On a side note, I think I have a new crush.
But that's all I'm going to say about that for now. :)

I can't believe what I did last night.

I told one of the girls I worked with over the summer, the one that K likes, everything.

Bingeing, starving, cutting, purging.

Everything.




And she didn't freak out. She didn't threaten to tell my parents.
She told me I was beautiful.
She told me she had already suspected that I did most of it.
She told me that she didn't want me to hurt myself anymore.
And she told me that she loved me.


I don't think I've ever had this good a friend before.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 cup of cottage cheese
-1 cup of lettuce
-1/2 cup of cucumber slices
-2 bags of peanut M&Ms
-1 bag of pretzel M&Ms
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue potato chips
-Approximately 12 Jolly Ranchers
-A little under 1/2 of a veggie burger
-1 cup of french fries
-1 chocolate milkshake
-1 mini pretzel with hummus

Today, in college, I purged...
-A little under 1/2 of a veggie burger
-1 cup of french fries
-1 chocolate milkshake



Why does this have to follow me wherever I fucking go?
I didn't purge at camp... All summer. Well, I purged this summer. Three times.

But not at camp.


Camp is like sacred space to me.


I need sacred space here.
Wherewherewherewherewherewhere.

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 apple
-1 cup of cottage cheese
-1 cup of mandarin oranges
-3 celery sticks
-1 mini-carrot
-1 cone of pistachio ice cream
-1 bag of regular M&Ms
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue potato chips

Meh.

I think my tummy's getting a bit smaller.



Heather, you can HAVE these weirdos. They are straaange. I was bonding with another girl on my floor about it.
Also, I love when you make friends with someone from your hometown the first day in college, and then he ignores you for bitchy, super-skinny girls. Coooooool.

I didn't want to fucking chill with you anyway.

Need to stop eating, need to stop eating, need to stop...

So I have some friends at college. I don't know how good friends they'll end up being, but for now, they're my girl friends, my party friends, etc.
Unfortunately for me, they're all roommates, and my dorm is at the top of the hill and theirs is at the bottom.
My entire floor is Honors and the girls are... kind of strange. Like, I'm a nerd, totally... but... I don't flaunt it like it's my job. I don't expect boys to like me for my mind (even though they should). I don't make up fake boyfriends (!!! one of my roommate's friends was talking about it last night) and I don't stay in the dorm. I like to party, hahaha (well, I stayed in the dorm last night because I was fucking exhausted).

Now, about my college friends. They are all insanely gorgeous. And not only are they gorgeous, they're those girls who will talk to guys, no problem. They'll talk to anyone no problem, and it makes me kind of jealous.

So I need to stop eating. I need to lose weight.
It needs to happen fast.

Thank you guys for your comments. :)
@kes; I do share a fridge, unfortunately. :( Luckily though, I don't have a car, so it's not super-easy for me to get off-campus to buy food. Whenever I go to the dining hall, I always head straight for the cottage cheese and mandarin oranges, and try to avoid the fries that are there right when you walk in. D:
@Sam Lupin; Thank you for your support. <3
@Heather; We'll do better today. :)

Today, in college, I ate...

-1 FiberOne Bar
-About 1 cup of cottage cheese
-About 1 cup of mandarin oranges
-1 apple
-One scoop of cotton candy ice cream in a cone
-2 Capri Suns
-2 peanut granola bars
-1 Domino's Cinnamon Stick
-1 bag of Lay's barbecue chips
-1 bag of peanut M&Ms

So, basically, too much.
Maybe I'll eat less once our mini-fridge comes in... Wait.
That's completely ridiculous logic.


I missed you too, Heather. <3

I fucking love college.

No one watches what I eat...
If I want to have a granola bar and one slice of pizza for food for the day, no one says anything.

However, I was drinking tonight, so I had Spaghetti-O's before I went out, so that's gross.



I don't think I've lost any weight yet. My college is built on a hill, so you'd think with all the walking I could lose something, but nope. Still fat.
When we go out to the frat houses, the guys come up to my friends... And look at my friends... And talk to my friends... While I stand there.

There was one guy that showed interest in me as well as one of my friend, but the beer was shit, and there were too many girls, so we left.

But shit. I love college.