Long, hot summer.

It's been one hell of a summer, let me just start by saying that. I lived in a brand new state for ten weeks, and sweated my ass off, working at a new camp. I lost 26 lbs.
But that's not enough, of course not.
I need to lose more.
I need to lose more weight before this stupid wedding.
I think I actually conned someone into being my stupid date for this stupid wedding, how crazy is that?

School starts tomorrow. I have a job interview on Friday. So that's life right now. I love you all very much.

Low

I am feeling not so great lately. I've had more thoughts about purging in the past three months than I have in a long time.
I haven't actually acted on the thoughts, but I've come close.

I am worthless.
I am nothing.
I am an earthworm on the pavement, shriveled and crispy.

Two finals down...

One project (due 7pm today) and one final (take home portion due tomorrow at 4pm, in-class portion tomorrow at 4:20pm) left to go.

Then it's time to pack my life up and head back home. I'm so anxious about everything that I'm paralyzed. I haven't even started this project yet, I've just been sitting in bed eating peach gummies and watching pointless videos while waiting for my meds to kick in.

I think I need a different antidepressant prescription, or at least something stronger. The one I'm on doesn't really seem to do much.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I love hearing from you <3

Endings and beginnings

This week, finals week, marks the end of my first year of grad school. One more semester, and I will have my master's degree and will be searching for a full time job.
On June 3, I leave for North Carolina, 10 hours away from home, to start my new summer job. This will be my first summer in 7 years away from the camp I love, and it will be the longest and farthest I've ever been from home.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
But I am excited, too.

I've spent the last week packing up my things and bringing stuff home. I officially move out of my apartment this coming Friday. I will miss it. But I think that living on my own is not healthy for me. Weight-wise, depression-wise, procrastination-wise. I have a lot to do in the next week, and it's stressing me out.
But I think I'll make it.

Off the wagon

I have officially gained back all the weight I lost last year. It's made me moody and grumpy and antisocial and blah.
I just can't stop fucking eating.
Sweets and pizza and carbs on carbs. I feel like the mayor from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. One day, losing weight and happy, the next day, I've ballooned 45 lbs.

I'm on antidepressants now. I don't remember if I've mentioned that.
I don't know that they work.
It's a super low dose, so that probably has some effect. The only good thing they do is help me sleep. It's really hard to fall asleep on Adderall.

None of my clothes fit anymore. Not even my XL tshirts. Well, I guess they "fit". But I prefer my clothes to be baggy. I miss how small I was back in high school. I'd like to get there again. Maybe soon.

Been considering veganism. Definitely going dairy-free, as I think I'm lactose intolerant. We'll see what happens.

Spoke too soon

Last night, after 3 hours of sleep, 20+ hours without food and 12+ hours working on an intense assignment, I ate some pretty crappy food. Did you know that those personal-sized frozen pizzas are upwards of 600cals? That's just ridiculous to me. Almost ridiculous as the "1/2 pizza" serving size (so the food doesn't look like a total calorie bomb). I know portions, especially in the U.S., are ridiculously large, but it's ridiculous to think that half of this tiny ass pizza is a full meal.
I also got candy, and after two Reese's PB cups, one king size Snickers and five or six mini Milky Way bites, I was done. I thought I was gonna puke.
It's a crap ton of godawful food, but nothing compared to what I usually eat.


Today I am trying to recover from the lack of sleep, but not really succeeding. Love you all.

Okay

Trigger warning: numbers follow

I've been doing pretty okay the past week. Things are kind of coming together as they usually do after I have several weeks of apathy.



I've been working on keeping my calorie count below 1500, preferably at 1200 per day. I have had candy only twice since last week (one king size Milky Way and one king size Snickers). Shockingly enough, I didn't even go over my calorie counts for those two days.
I'm down about three pounds, which is no doubt water weight, but it's nice to see the scale drop instead of steadily increase.

Last year from April to August, I lost 50lbs. I gained 37 of them back from September to March. I'd like to lose those 37lbs before I leave for my summer job (600 miles away from home).
I want my clothes to fit. I want to go into a dressing room and be surprised by how big things are on me, instead of struggling to squeeze my fat ass into clothes that are too small. I want to feel comfortable in jeans again instead of always wearing stretchy leggings. I want to feel comfortable in my professional clothes instead of t-shirts and sweatshirts and flannels.

Don't know what's wrong with me.

All I want to do is sleep all day long.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't new, but it used to be that I couldn't sleep due to my Adderall. Now, it's like not even that prescription (which was upped in December) can keep me from sleeping all day.
I don't know if I'm sick or depressed or what.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the antidepressants my doctor prescribed. Or the fact that I've been off them for the past week.
I dunno though. I want to say I doubt it, because it was such a small dose, but on the other hand... I was doing really well before I went off them. They helped curb the insomnia from the Adderall, which was the only thing I really noticed, but that meant I actually got a good night of sleep.


But right now, all I want to do is lay in bed. I'm not even all that excited by the prospect of food (not that it keeps me from eating like a wildebeest).
I hate feeling like this.

When I was younger...

I have some pictures of myself from during my major restricting phase.
It's interesting now to look at them.
When I saw them during that phase, I thought I looked huge.
A few years ago, during my purging phase, I thought I looked tiny.


Looking at them now, all I see is a normal sized seventeen year old. And it honestly kind of bothers me how much I hated myself all during that time. Actually, a lot of these pictures are from the time when I was starting to find value in myself as a person, when I started working at camp.


Now, I'm a huge monster-beast. But it's cool, I guess.

Anniversary

I missed my anniversary again. I'm shit with remembering things.
It was on February 8th.

February 8th, 2017 marked 3 years being purge-free. 

Now if only I could make it a week without bingeing.

It's been awhile...

And I'm sorry about that. Currently trying to get caught up on all of your blogs. Taking 15 grad school credits this semester. Working.

One of my friends is getting married in October. She found her wedding dress today, and afterwards we looked around at bridesmaids dresses.
Of the available dresses, a large, overstuffed rack of chiffon and tulle, there were a grand total of 3 dresses that were large enough for me to actually try on.
All of the other girls had five or six dresses that they tried on. All of them were too big for them.


I want to lose 80lbs by the October wedding (and my September dress fitting). 80lbs is doable. I did the math, and it works out to around 2.5lbs a week. But I actually have to maintain that for eight months.
I'm waiting as long as possible to put a deposit down on my dress, not because it's expensive (even though it is), but to see if I can lose any more weight before the cutoff date and maybe order down another size.
I am so fat.
On the bright side, I didn't gain any weight over the holidays.
On the not bright side, I've still gained 25lbs since August.
Gross.