I'm leaving for the week.

Bye.

Yep.

I purged.
Six fucking blueberry muffins, that were supposed to be for breakfast tomorrow.
If I had saved them, they probably would have stayed in my tummy.
Which would be bad.


Think I'm slipping into my random psychotic-type thought again.
Don't know what's happening.

Oh well. Crazy blog posts make for good literature.
Enjoy my insanity.

I want ice cream.

For the past few days, I haven't really been in the mood for any food. Now I want ice cream. Ice cream with brownie bits in it.
I've never really liked brownie ice cream until this year. Weird.

Lucky for my fat cells, there's none in the house, and I'm too exhausted to go get some.

Thank you guys for your comments, and I do appreciate your concern.

@Aye Ell, I do know that it's not an effective way of losing weight. I mostly use it for emotional stress. To be completely honest with you, I have come away from purges feeling better, but mostly only because I feel like I've punished myself successfully. I know that's sick. Thank you for your concern. <3

@Astrid, it is good advice! We say it so much, I think we sometimes forget how to do it. If that makes sense. <3

So, I'll leave you guys with that good advice: stay strong. No matter what curve balls life throws at you.

Daily Thinspo

Random Thought of the Day:

If you turned me inside out, would you see the scars I hide inside?


I'm an incredibly self-destructive person.
I just don't leave any trace.


God fuck, I need to purge. Maybe have a b/p-fest this weekend before camp on Monday.
Maybe.

Daily Thinspo

(Pretty much.)

Among my frivolous thoughts, I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.

Thank you guys for your wonderful comments. <3 I really do appreciate them.

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted.
The title is from the song "Angels" by Owl City (the new album is amazing).


So what have I been doing?
Let's see...

-Gaining weight
-Bingeing
-Pretending I don't care that I'm hideously fat
-Secretly hating the new girls at camp for being pretty and skinny
-Eating more
-Sleeping too much
-Not working out

Also, I have a nasty rash on my arms. I have no idea what it's from, but it itches like no fucking other.


Camp hasn't started yet, I still have a week to go. On Saturday, we had staff work day.
For those of you who care: yes, K is still goofy and adorable.

I'm really worried about this summer and the new girls and what's going to happen.
I like where I stand with everyone right now (pretty much), and I don't want anyone to replace me.

And I want to be the person everyone adores.




But fuck, that won't happen while I'm still fat.
I'm a disgusting human being.

Daily Thinspo

(There are no words to describe how much I love Lights.)

I just want someone to look at me, for once in my life, and say, "I love you, and I never want to see you hurt again. You mean everything to me."
It'd be nice if they meant it, too.

Is that so wrong?

No thinspo today. Sorry. I feel like shit.

I'm giggling to myself.

Mostly because I just bought some weed.

Hahaha.
Little (fat) white girl, drank for the first time & smoked for the first time last summer, buying weed.


Giggling.

And I'm not even high.
Hahahaha.

Daily Thinspo

(She smokes and is skinny. Perfection.)

Sorry, sorry.

I haven't been commenting on your blogs, and I feel awful. It's been a crazy past couple of days.

So, Monday night, I decided it'd be a good idea to drink vodka on an empty stomach. I was so pissed, it was too late to go out and buy binge/purge food.
So I got drunk. And I got drunker. And I ended up puking on the bathroom floor before I made it to the toilet. And I fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom.

Tuesday, I went out to K's camp with K, B (girl I work with), R (guy I work with), and L (R's wife). I didn't get to stay over (and consequently, no one else did... Sorry guys), but it was nice hanging out with them.
Kind of.

I'm pretty sure K likes B. Which kind of hurts. You know? I mean, I know I have absolutely no claim over him whatsoever, but it still fucking hurts.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom, because I needed to pee. I looked in the mirror, and my hair looked wavy and beachy, and my skin  was glow-y, despite my lack of make-up,  and my eyes were sparkly.
And I thought to myself, 'Wow, I'm kind of pretty.'


And then I looked at my body.
Enough said.

Daily Thinspo

(Heather Morris is perfection.)

I'm a legal adult.

I have been for about five months now.
So explain to me why is it SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL to spend the night at K's camp (the guy I like, but parents don't know that) with some other people who I work with, when I pretty much LIVE with them THE ENTIRE FUCKING SUMMER.

Because apparently, it's "inappropriate" for this eighteen year old girl to spend the night with guys and another girl who are practically my brothers and sister.

Especially since I've spent the night with these exact same people at least three times before.
So, instead of spending the night and having a good time, I have to fucking LEAVE. And be the ONLY FUCKING ONE LEAVING.


I need to b/p right now. I need to get all this fucking anger out and I wish I could just punch my dad in the face.

Daily Thinspo

No creative title.

Ate too much today. What else is new?
Going to see the new X-Men movie tonight, I'm so pumped.

Daily Thinspo

(Can I just be her, please?)

I hate it when people bring up the fact that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 or a size 12.

Because, first of all, sizing in her era was COMPLETELY different. A size 14 in her day is more of a size 8-10 now, while a 12 is approximately a 4-6.
And second of all, Marilyn Monroe had an incredible body shape. Her measurements were 35-22-35. She had an incredibly tiny waist compared to her hips and bust.
So everyone who compares their size 12-14 bodies to Marilyn Monroe, please shut the fuck up. I doubt you look anything like her. I know I don't.

Daily Thinspo

(Some vintage thinspo. I love Vera Ellen.)