Too much, not enough.

It's about hot-as-balls degrees here where I live today. Of course. The day I decide to go outside for a run, the bipolar weather decides, "Oh, I think I'll take a break from being cold and rainy in MAY. It's almost June, so I guess I can start being warm again."

Gee, thanks.
I ran maybe 10 minutes? That's probably an overestimation. But I had to do something. I had one and a half packs of Pop-Tarts this morning (I threw away the rest, I was so disgusted with my fat self). That's about 570 calories. Plus the two Blow-Pops I had, plus a few handfuls of sunflower seeds (I'm addicted to them, but there's so much fucking salt in them). Which brings the daily total up to about 740. Disgusting.
Guess we're not eating dinner tonight. And by we, I mean "I". Maybe I'll work out again later.

Daily Thinspo

(Natalia Makarova, possibly my favorite ballerina of all time. She is positively amazing.)

I ate so much fucking food today.

I feel extra extra fat.
3 pancakes, 1 cup of orange juice, 1 cup of milk, 2 slices of pizza, 2 packages of Pop-Tarts (that's four in total), 4 lollipops, sunflower seeds, and at least 20 caramels.


Fucking hell.
And on top of that, I'm pretty sure K thinks I'm pathetic.
Well, surprise surprise, I am.


Fucking hell.

Daily Thinspo

(Her legs aren't the thinnest, but fucking Christ, her upper body is fabulous.)

Plans

I'm planning out all the things I'm going to buy (read: have my mother buy) for this summer and for college. It's mostly makeup and skin-care and hair-care. And clothing. Not that I don't already own a ton of clothing.

Finally got my period (three fucking weeks late, and coming like a fucking monsoon), which explains how fat I am right now. I think I gained three pounds in one day.
But it's all good, because the plan starts today.
I'm eating as little as possible today (had a sip of coffee with milk and sugar, then poured the whole thing out. I have a new preference for black coffee, and I don't know where it came from). Having dinner with parents later. Going to try to only eat half of my veggie burger. Say I'm not hungry. Say I got food on my drive out to the lake.
Also making a new bracelet to keep me on track. Remember when we used to wear the bracelets? Haha, I miss that.

Daily Thinspo

(I can't even describe how much I adore this picture.)

Tomorrow is a new day.

Today, I had about the equivalent of one largeish chocolate chip cookie, a veggie burger with bun, A VitaminWater, ketchup, mustard, maybe 10 french fries, and a small chocolate soft-serve in a cone with rainbow sprinkles. This is too much food.
I am fat.
Fat fat fat fat.

The guy who served our ice cream was kind of cute. And naturally, I looked like shit, in baggy sweats, flip-flops, a staff shirt from camp, with my hair not done, and barely any makeup.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm fat?
I need to start drinking more water, so maybe I'll stop bingeing.
To go along with my new exercise plan, I've devised a new eating plan.
I'll eat five times a day, 100 calories each. That way, I'm eating 500 calories a day, but it will be interspersed so it will feel like I'm eating more.

Going to try to fast tomorrow, probably won't work out, as usual.

Daily Thinspo

(Her ribs are so gorgeous, as is her hair.)

I'm scared.

Have you ever felt scared to lose something that you don't even have?
Fuck. I'm so insecure.

This guy I work with at camp over the summer... I really like him. I've liked him since... Well, pretty much since I met him.
A lot of old staff members left last year, mostly female counselors, so now we have six new girls coming this summer. Of course, I had to do some Facebook stalking.. One of the girls is GORGEOUS. She's thin, tall, has this awesome curly hair.
I'm so fucking scared I'm just going to get lost in the crowd of pretty girls.

Don't mind me, I'm just the ugly fat girl in the background.


On another note, it's really annoying, having to build up my follower and following lists again, after a year on my old blog. I'm just going to have to get over it, though. I don't really have any other choice...

Daily Thinspo

(Legs.)

(Partially) Successful Fast Day.

I had nothing but coffee (one tablespoon sugar, two tablespoons milk) until around 2:45, when I had a small Vanilla Bean Coolatta from Dunkin' Donuts. Went and got my hair cut and deep-conditioned, then went to DD again and got a sweetened iced tea (this DD's Coolatta machine was broken... Assholes). I was doing good, doing well, when my mom got home, with a giant box of Lindt chocolates.

"Oh, these are for your graduation party."

Are you fucking kidding me.
So I went to the damn store and bought a fucking six pack of Snickers. Ate three, purged as much as I could, and now my stomach's rumbly and pissing me off.
Not to mention I'm about to get my period (about three weeks late, by the way. Does that mean I'm doing something right?), and I'm on antibiotics to get rid of this awful fucking sinusitis.

The purging fucking sucked by the way. I drank water all through my binge, because I know how chocolate can get when you're purging it but Jesus Christ, this was the nastiest, sludgiest purge I've ever had. The only one I can think of that was worse was probably the egg noodles in chicken broth. Oh well, it's out now.

Daily Thinspo

("Oh, just washing my car in a bikini, because I'm thin and beautiful.")

Fasting Update

Since fasting didn't work out today (fatass, failure. What else is new?), I'm starting a new plan.

I got my Seventeen magazine in the mail today... The Amazing Summer Body issue. Woo.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to liquid/fruit fast. Then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I will fast completely, in preparation for restricting and exercising (exercise plan courtesy of Seventeen), starting Sunday, May 29th.

SUNDAY, MAY 29TH.

Yes. It will actually happen. I will actually follow the plan.
Maybe.


Hopefully.

Three Day Fast: Day 1

I realize it's just the beginning of the day (1:11 am, to be exact), but I wanted to write some things.

I've been making the slow switch back to restricting, despite the fact that there has been a lot of mindless eating in my life lately. Tomorrow I'll wake up and go to the doctor (I'm sick for the third time in a month), and they'll weigh me, and I'll be FAT.
Possibly fatter than the last time I went.
According to my schedule, I'm supposed to weigh 165 this Thursday. I'm 170, and there's no chance of me losing that in 2 days... Guess I have to push all my weight loss back a week... Yet again. FUCK.

---

Alright. I've fixed my calendar, and if I lose four pounds a week consistently (not likely, especially at camp this summer), I will be 98 pounds by September 29, 2011.

I need to start running again. I need to stop eating. I need I need I need.

In other news, I've started being a normal American teenager, i.e., drinking and smoking pot.
It's fun when you're with the right people.

Daily Thinspo

(God, she has the most perfect legs ever.)

Hi guys.

It's me. And here's my new blog. Isn't it snazzy?


For those of you who don't know me, you can call me Charlie. Or Rosie, I respond to either. I've been living with disordered eating for ten years or so. This blog is about that. Kind of.
It's also about my life.
And who I am.
And who I want to be.
And things I like, and things I don't like.


Tomorrow I'm starting a three day fast. Hello, Hunger. It's been awhile.