Starving In Suburbia

So there's this Lifetime movie called "Starving In Suburbia" that came out in 2014. It's about a dancer who becomes anorexic after logging onto a "pro-ana"website.

I don't know if any of you have seen it, or how you feel about it.
It started out okay, kind of cheesy.
And then turned into this horror film type deal. Honestly, I'm just laughing about it.

THEN this GOD AWFUL twist ending. Dear Lord.

I could go on.
I don't recommend watching it.
It's terrible.

Sluggish.

Lately I've been feeling really slow and heavy and not like a real person.
And I can almost guarantee that it's because I eat like crap 24/7.
So I put together a little detox for myself that I'm going to try. It's mostly just eating fruits and veggies and drinking water. Essentially.
There are a few days in the detox (it's 21 days long) that are "free" where I can eat what I want, mostly because I'm either at home those days or will be heavily drinking those days. So, free days.

I've decided that if I miss a day or mess up a day, one of those free days will be replaced with the day I fucked up. Also, I'm starting today with just water to get myself in the mood.


And also I don't want to be this fantastically bloated for graduation. So there you go.

What I Ate Today

-1 grapefruit with 2 tablespoons sugar
-3 glasses of milk (1 with chocolate syrup)
-1 pepperoni pizza Hot Pocket
-1 medium iced caramel latte
-1 cheese stick
-2 slices of pepperoni pizza
-5 slices of bacon
-2 pieces of toast with butter
-3 handfuls of sunflower seeds

I feel like my entire day today was just devoted to eating and sleeping.
I have got to remember to take my meds every day.

I've been feeling really down lately. I think it's partially the weather (overcast, rainy/snowy), and partially my hormones out of whack, but it's also that I don't really like myself at all.
Overall, I've done some bad things and made some bad choices, and instead of really truly feeling guilty about them or even sorry about them, it all just turns into how much I hate myself for being fat.

On a bright note, turns out I will be getting my tonsils out. June 8. Happy graduation to me.

I want more pizza.

I've been thinking...

It's 26 days until I graduate with a BA in English. 26 days until I have to go be a real adult (only not really, because I get to go work at camp for one more summer).

There's so much to do and so little time, I don't know how I'm going to accomplish anything.

Meh.

So today was an EPIC binge day (by recent standards anyway). What's weird, really, is that my binges now compared to what they used to be (especially back when I was purging) are pretty much nothing. I mean, they're certainly not NORMAL, but... And my daily food intake, while calorie counts are usually pretty high, for any other person would be pretty normal.

Anyway.
Today I Ate:
-1/2 pack of chocolate Necco wafers
-1 huge bowl (at least two cups worth) of Honey Bunches of Oats w/almonds and cashew milk
-1 box of Buncha Crunch candy (like movie theatre sized, the $1 boxes)
-1 box of Butterfinger Bites
-1 box of Milk Duds
-1 box of chocolate covered peanuts
-1/4 bag of Doritos
-1 turkey sandwich
-1 cup of barbecue chips
-1 bowl (whole box) of Jello

So basically a lot of food.
Gonna try to get back on track tomorrow.
I feel a little sick. I think it's the turkey sandwich. Turkey gives me heartburn.
Everything gives me heartburn.

I love you all very very much, Bella and Anne thank you for your comments. :) I'm gonna try to get back to commenting soon. I didn't really realize how difficult daily life is without my ADHD meds, and I left them in my room at school.
Also, I may be getting a tonsillectomy. Fingers crossed.
Love you.

Purging.

So as many of you know, I've been purge-free for a really long (for me anyway) time now. I think it's over a year at this point.

Anyway, the thought hasn't crossed my mind in a really long time until tonight.
And I'm not gonna.
I know I'm not gonna.
But it scares me that I considered it.

Disappearing and reappearing.

Most of my life at this point is fading in and fading out of different things. I haven't blogged in a really long time, and I feel like shit for it.
My weight has been ungodly stable for the past six weeks. I took an exercise class called Body Boot Camp which killed me. I didn't change my eating habits, but I also didn't gain weight, so I guess there's something to be said for crap massive amounts of exercise.

I've been drinking a lot (I mean, not a lot by alcoholic standards, but more than I usually do). Usually I only go out one night a week (Friday or Saturday), but lately I've been going out and drinking (not necessarily heavily) at least three nights a week.
So there's that.
I had strep last week for the sixth time this year.


I feel weird. Weird and sad. I'm home this week for spring break. But I haven't felt sad in awhile. Maybe I'm just coming down off of not being around people for awhile.

The past two days have been eat, sleep, record what I eat, go for a run.
I can't run very far.
Or very fast.
It's quite cold here.

For those of you that do still read my blog even though I'm awful and never post anymore, you should check out my fabulous friend Anne @ http://anneisback.blogspot.com. She's wonderful, and you all would love her.


That's all.