Wow.

I just went through some of my old journal entries from when I first really started recording my eating disorder "journey"...
Fucking sick stuff that I've said in the past.
Not that it really bothers me.


I'm starting a new journal, right now, at 1:54 AM, EST. I've written rude, vaguely threatening letters to myself that I'm going to have my mom send to me at college, so I have that motivation to stop eating, purge less, exercise more, etc.


I think it's time to go to bed.

It's been a long time.

So let me fill you in on my life.
For those who care.


This summer, I lost a total amount of ZERO pounds. I'm just as fat as I was starting camp, and I'm heading off to college fatter than I've ever wanted to be in my life.
However, despite my non-weight-loss, I managed to have a relatively fantastic summer. I managed to not purge while at camp (I've only purged a total of three times this summer), but I did cut during my last night at camp (no campers, just staff. My mom bought me this handy little mini Swiss Army knife. Eight tiny cuts, all in a row. Deep enough to bleed, deep enough to hurt, not deep enough to scar).

Here's my boy drama from the summer:
K fell head over heels... For another girl. She's so sweet that I can't hate her. I don't even really like him anymore, and it's actually kind of nice, because the awkward tension that we had last year is now gone, and I can just joke around with him.
I hooked up with another guy, A. Drunk. Twice. He has a girlfriend. And the night after the second time we hooked up, he tried hooking up with another girl we work with. And he's been trying to get in her pants ever since, which makes me feel like shit. Because she's tiny (like 5'2") and runs cross-country (so she's super-skinny). She's the skinniest girl on staff. So, I feel like shit for being ditched for her. And she's kind of a ditz. Super-nice, but... Not the brightest bulb in the box.

My campers were, for the most part, amazing. I love working with kids. They're so honest, most of the time, and so loving. We had a stomach bug epidemic in the last two weeks, and one of my favorite campers of the summer had to go home, without me saying goodbye to her. I wanted to just break down and sob.


And now, I have less than a week before I go off on my pre-college camping trip. I'm going to try to start easing up on all the food I've been eating, and I'm going to try to start running again (sprained my ankle. Got an ankle brace. We'll see how this goes). On a bright note, I've discovered the joys of hummus. Now I need to start eating vegetables at home. And less real milk, more Almond Milk.

Yeah.

Haven't weighed myself in over three weeks.

I think it's a new record. I doubt I've lost any weight, but I have lost fat.
My butt's getting bigger from all the hills.

I need to start running in the morning. I did a few weeks ago, then my knee got fucked up.


I'm at home now, but I can't weigh myself because I've just consumed an entire bag of trail mix.

And K is in love with one of the new girls, who's seventeen (he's nineteen).

And whatever.

I had a skank moment last Saturday when we were partying at my friend's camp, hooked up with another guy on staff who has a girlfriend.

And whatever.




I have a total crush on one of the other guys, but he's only seventeen too. And I feel like getting involved with a high school kid when I'm going off to college is such a bad idea.



So whatever.
I'm very apathetic right now.


But camp is fun. I miss talking to you all. <3

I'm leaving for the week.

Bye.

Yep.

I purged.
Six fucking blueberry muffins, that were supposed to be for breakfast tomorrow.
If I had saved them, they probably would have stayed in my tummy.
Which would be bad.


Think I'm slipping into my random psychotic-type thought again.
Don't know what's happening.

Oh well. Crazy blog posts make for good literature.
Enjoy my insanity.

I want ice cream.

For the past few days, I haven't really been in the mood for any food. Now I want ice cream. Ice cream with brownie bits in it.
I've never really liked brownie ice cream until this year. Weird.

Lucky for my fat cells, there's none in the house, and I'm too exhausted to go get some.

Thank you guys for your comments, and I do appreciate your concern.

@Aye Ell, I do know that it's not an effective way of losing weight. I mostly use it for emotional stress. To be completely honest with you, I have come away from purges feeling better, but mostly only because I feel like I've punished myself successfully. I know that's sick. Thank you for your concern. <3

@Astrid, it is good advice! We say it so much, I think we sometimes forget how to do it. If that makes sense. <3

So, I'll leave you guys with that good advice: stay strong. No matter what curve balls life throws at you.

Daily Thinspo

Random Thought of the Day:

If you turned me inside out, would you see the scars I hide inside?


I'm an incredibly self-destructive person.
I just don't leave any trace.


God fuck, I need to purge. Maybe have a b/p-fest this weekend before camp on Monday.
Maybe.

Daily Thinspo

(Pretty much.)