Graduate School

Grad school has begun. Huzzah.
I am already overwhelmed and wondering why I decided to do this crazy thing.
I don't have internet in my apartment yet, so I have been squandering the data on my phone and traipsing around town to find internet. The free library is just around the corner from my apartment, which is nice (that's where I am now).
Campus, particularly the building I have class in, is a little over a mile away. I've had to walk the past couple of days because my car has been in the shop, but I just got a call that it is finally fixed! My mom is coming to pick me up tonight to go grab it before my class at 7:00.

I should be finishing my work for class tonight, but I keep getting distracted. I wish I had a couch to sit on instead of this hard chair.

I need to buy a ton of things (including a scale, or simply batteries for my old scale), but I am currently broke. Here's hoping one of the many job applications I've submitted pulls through. I need a paycheck again.

Slowly expanding.

I can feel myself gaining weight the longer I sit at home.
Granted, it's only been three days, and the scale (still) hasn't changed.
But I can feel it.

When I was at the weight loss doctor today, she asked me, "Do you see a difference in the mirror?"

Answer: No. I never see a difference in the mirror. I see no difference at 250lbs (where I was back in April) than I did when I was at 150lbs (when I was 17 and starving myself).
I can see the difference in pictures. I can see the difference in the way my clothes fit.
But no. I cannot see a difference in the mirror.


Some days I have good days, days when I look in the mirror and I think I look nice.
Some days are bad days, where I look like the fattest person in the whole world.

So there's that.

Nothing.

No weight loss this past week, despite 45+ minutes of swimming per day and eating so little that dizziness just became normal.
The past two nights have just been a binge-fest of McDonald's and beer.

My friend and I talked. He told me that the second half of the summer had sucked because I hated him so much. I told him that I didn't hate him, but that it really hurt my feelings when he ditched me for the girl he was trying to bone.
And then we apologized and hung out for a long time.
Last night we were drinking with a couple of coworkers and got wicked drunk. We were cuddling like we used to, before the girl changed our friendship. It was nice but then it was weird. He was running his hands up and down my arms and legs and just generally feeling me up. But nothing happened, and I don't even think that I wanted anything to happen. Like I said, weird.


Tomorrow I'm going to have to get back into not eating. I have a few protein shakes leftover from before the summer, so I guess I'll just have those for the most part.

Cleanliness

There's a girl who works at camp with me. She is quite big, bigger than I am (and I'm pretty fucking fat, let me tell you), and is just generally a negative person.
I remember a comment that Bella left about people with EDs and showering infrequently. I honestly don't know that I've ever witnessed this girl actually take a shower this summer. She has been spoken to a lot by our head of area and assistant director about her hygiene, but refuses to do anything to change. It's actually really gross and a little bit sad, and I wonder if it has anything to do with her weight. I mean, I shower very infrequently (this past week, I went Sun-Thurs without taking a shower, as in I took a shower on Sunday and didn't shower again until Thursday), but I work at the lake, and I'm in and out of the water constantly. I even wash my hair in the lake sometimes.

I don't know why I'm bringing this up. Just thinking about a lot of things, I guess.

Getting closer.

I am six pounds away from having lost 50 lbs since April. Six pounds away from being back to under 200 lbs. I'd like to be under 200 lbs by the time I get to the end of camp (next week), and definitely under 200 by the time I get to my next appointment at the weight loss doctor (two weeks). The biggest problem is going to be continuing to be active and not eating very much when I leave camp.
It's going to be harder because I will have my own apartment, but easier because I will have very little money.

I will live on protein shakes and work so much and go to school so much that I won't have time to eat.



But now I am hungry.
On the weekends, I feast. And I am STARVING. It's time for dinner.

Yet again, I manage to make myself look like the biggest idiot in the world.

I'd been hanging out with one of my guy friends from work all summer. He's nineteen, I'm twenty-three, but we've always been really good friends. We always took our nights off together and hung out on our breaks at night and such. We're pretty close, and sometimes we would get pretty touchy-feely, mostly just to make other people uncomfortable, because it didn't make us uncomfortable. He told his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) that I was his best friend at the camp where we work.
We took a night off together that was just us, making jokes that it was a "date", and we went bowling, got ice cream, and went to eat it on this pier nearby, to watch the moon and the stars near the lake. As we were sitting there, he was talking to me about how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Here is a short list of things he told me that night:
-His girlfriend was super needy, and he didn't really like that
-He didn't miss her at all (she lives two hours away)
-He couldn't talk to her and have an intelligent conversation with her
-He wanted to be with someone who is one of his best friends, who he can see himself being with for a long time
Stupid me, here I am thinking that he's referring to me. At first it made me a little uncomfortable. I was thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons of actually liking him, and it turns out he was actually talking about a different girl we work with who is tiny and skinny and pretty and to be honest, kind of a fucking cunt.
Last weekend, he drove two hours to break up with his girlfriend, then spent the rest of the weekend with the girl. And has spent most of his time with her ever since.
First of all, I feel so fucking stupid.
Second of all, I don't know whether I'm more upset that he likes her and not me, or that he spends all of his time with her now and I miss my friend.

I'm really sad.
I've considered purging multiple times this week. Most meals I barely eat anything. One of my campers started to notice this week. I was up and down getting food for my kids and I was asking if anyone wanted seconds on something, and she looked at me and said, "Yes, but only if you promise to sit down and eat after you get it."
It kind of made me want to cry.
I've cried myself to sleep several nights this summer.
I am pathetic.