I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so fat.

There aren't words to describe.

Someday I might fly away.

Today I ate:
-1 slice of cheese pizza (grease blotted with a napkin)
-1/2 a Caesar salad (Romaine and croutons with parmesan cheese, no dressing)
-1 baked potato
-2 tablespoons of butter
-2 pieces of some brown bread
-1 bottle of Spite
-12-15 Godiva chocolates
-1 bag (3.1 oz) of Hello Kitty Jelly Bellys


Way too fucking much.
Went shopping today. Got a new bag, new makeup bag, new bathing suit. Bleh. Got a stuffed manatee at the place we went to dinner.
I love stuffed animals. They make me so happy.

I want more shells. I'll have to actually go to the beach tomorrow to get some. It's my last day here.
I wish we could stay longer. I like the sun. I like the warm. I like the sound of the waves and how the sand feels between my toes.

I'm better today.

I went for a long walk on the beach with my cousin. We found shells. My hair looks awesome in the salt humidity.
I did a thirty minute workout today. Which is, as usual, pathetic, but better than none. 20 minutes cardio and 10 minutes of weights and crunches.

I'm fat.

Before and after thinspo is my favorite.

I just want to be thin.

Is that really so much to ask?

I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my hair falls out or my skin flakes or my nails turn blue or my teeth rot or my bones break or my period stops or my esophagus tears. I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my stomach growls for days on end or my throat burns from shoving my fingers down it. I want to be thin so badly that I would do anything.

Anything.

I want to be thin so my dad will stop looking at me with disappointment. I want to be thin so I can get dressed without having to change five times because my clothes don't fit or my legs/stomach/arms/face/teeth look fat. I want to be thin so I can disappear.


I want to disappear.

This is the worst vacation I've ever been on.

And I just want to go home.
I don't


I can't even write this down right now.


I'm going to go cry for a bit. Then maybe I'll be able to write something worthwhile.

I hate his fucking girlfriend.

She's so skinny. I want to be her.


Not to be his girlfriend. I want to be her so I can be skinny.

Ultimately... pissed.

So the guy I've been hooking up with, who I will probably continue hooking up with for as long as I hang out with him and he works with me (we've only hooked up three times since early August), has this girlfriend.
And facially, she's not that pretty.
And I definitely have better hair than her.
But she's so skinny. And I hate her for it.


I'm going to be skinnier than her. Way skinnier.


Also, I just found out that the two acne cysts that have in the past two days formed on my chin could be a direct result from drinking too much milk. I love milk. :( This makes me really sad.

I am a terrible person.

But I really don't care. :)

I know it's sad and makes me an awful human being...

But I get an odd sense of satisfaction posting anonymous hate in my bitchy crazy roommate's Tumblr mailbox.

Why I Drink Vodka.

1. "No, this is water!"
2. It tastes like something other than horse piss (ahem, beer).
3. I'm not a lightweight. I need strong alcohol content to get me even slightly tipsy.
4. Flavors.
5. The warm feeling after a shot.

Freshman Finals

I'm going through my first set of finals at college right now... I have one exam today, and two exams and a performance project tomorrow. Then I'm done. And oh my God, I can't wait to go home.
I know when I go home, I say I can't wait to leave... I don't like BEING home... But I like going home. It's comforting, and all my food is paid for, and I have a car, and there's no one telling me that I should go out drinking the weekend before exams (I didn't).

Right now, I weigh 184.6, after one full week of not purging, and two straight mornings of running. I should clarify, it's not exactly running. It's more of a run-until-I-can't-breathe then walk then do the run thing again. I go from my res hall to one of the academic buildings and back, it's approximately one mile. I'm getting sick too, which sucks.
I've been eating relatively normal meals.. I make it to breakfast every day, eat hash browns and scrambled eggs and usually some fruit. I want grapefruit so bad.. And cherries... And strawberries... That's another thing I like about going home. There's fruit and I can eat it and it doesn't sit in my minifridge and go bad because I don't feel like washing dishes.

So yeah. That's my life.

Thank you guys so much for your amazing comments. I love you all.
Oh, and @Ever; I looked up the poem you told me about... Fell in love. I was bawling for a good ten minutes. Thank you.

One of the girls on my floor told me today

That my legs looked really skinny.
And I know she was just talking about my calves, which are utterly disproportionately smaller than the rest of my body.
But it made me feel a little good. A little.

Something that's happened in college.

I like getting up early. I really do. I like going to bed early, I like waking up early, I like going out for a run at 6:00 AM, when campus is asleep.

I really like it.

Woke up at six to go run today. It is now 6:55, and I need to go take a shower before class.
This is my life.

One day at a time.

Didn't purge yesterday. Thank you for your encouragement!

Today, it's 1:54 p.m., and I've had a bag of peanut M&Ms and a bag of Baked Lays Cheddar and Sour Cream.

That's it though. I'm refusing to go to dinner, especially since I might be cheering in the spring. I don't want to be fat in a uniform. Especially because it's competition team.

Trying so hard not to throw up dinner.

But the porcelain bowl is calling me.

I've been good today.

Well, not good, but I haven't purged.

My fingers have become too well-acquainted with my tonsils.

@Rachel and @Lost in Space; Thank you so much. I honestly don't know where I would be without you, without everyone on here. Probably with my head in the toilet, let's be honest.

I can't even cry anymore.

Any emotion I have just comes out as vomit.

So, if I'm the prettiest fucking girl on campus, why does the only guy I want fucking hate me?


Sorry. I'm a little bit still drunk right now.
I hate compliments.
I hate them.
I know they're fake.

I've lost EIGHT pounds since Tuesday.

Even after a massive binge last night, I managed to stay at 183.4. I've almost lost ten pounds in a week. My hands are shaky, my stomach's growly.
I even managed to pull one over on my friend. That means I tricked her. Hahaha.
I wasn't eating much at dinner, and I told her that I'd been getting sick from everything I ate (which is true, everything I don't purge I've been having terrible diarrhea from). But we were going out drinking, so I scarfed down one and a half rolls, a baked potato, mounds of butter, eight or nine bites of this incredible chocolate cake, two cups of apple cider, four or five cheese cubes, an apple, and a strawberry.
Then I felt incredibly sick, so I went to the public restroom and purged.

Gotta say, nothing is more paranoia-inducing than sticking your fingers down your throat in a public bathroom.

So then, my stomach was empty. I went back to my room to get ready to go out.
Went to her room when I was ready, bottle of mango vodka and diet Sprite half empty. Had one and three quarters pieces of cheese, three Triscuits, and then we were off, with blue raspberry vodka, having finished the mango. Got drunk, ate Dominos, threw up Dominos, raided the vending machine, ate one Milky Way, Peanut M&Ms, sour cream and onion Lays, Swedish Fish, and Twix. Went to bed with a full stomach, slept until 2.
Woke up at the same weight post-Dominos puke. Rejoiced.


Now, it's 7:35 pm, I need to take a shower to get ready for tonight. I already purged dinner, so I'm comfortably empty. I'll grab some Triscuits just so I don't get completely fucking wasted.

I've purged nine times since Sunday.
This is getting out of hand.

Also, I've been reading entries from my old blog, Broken Mirrors.


Fuck. Two years ago, when I started this shit... I was funny. I could write cohesive sentences and entries. And people enjoyed them.
What the fuck happened?

Friends.

I was in the car with my best stoner friend, and we were talking. And somehow we got talking about personal issues.
I told her about how I starved myself down 30 pounds, then how I started purging, and she told me about her suicide attempts.

She told me that she'd never been able to purge, and that she was a little jealous, because she doesn't have a gag reflex.


That made me feel superior in some sick way.