On mental conditions and mac and cheese.

Right now, at this moment, I am in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in. I'd say it's approximate to the height of my eating issues in my junior year of high school. I'm terrified to leave my room, even more terrified to go to the dining hall or the library (where I'm required to go), because I'm scared I'm going to mess something up in my pledging process. I'm terrified of people generally, and this process is literally eating me from the inside out. I can't stand thinking that I did something wrong, I hate doing things wrong. Any little thing I can't do, or don't do correctly makes me want to vomit.
I ate my first full meal in the dining hall today, and I actually ate food. Mac n cheese, a brownie, and maybe a quarter of an ice cream cone. I was so full after the first couple bites, but I had to eat a little more. I had an almost-grey-out in ballet yesterday and it was terrifying. I can't be passing out when I'm still so fat.
I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Last I knew I was about ten pounds lower than the beginning of this summer. I hope I lost weight this week.

It makes me really sad how much support my roommate's boyfriend gives her. I'm really jealous. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't ave anyone that I can legitimately be emotional in front of.  I don't think I'll ever find someone that I can be emotional in front of.
I really want someone.
Maybe because I want it so bad, that's why I can't get it.

Haven't been eating much lately...

Mostly just because I'm terrified to go to the dining hall and run into people.
But I'm sure it's doing all my fat a hell of a ton of good.

Pledging sucks, but what else is new. Being on the bottom of the totem pole anywhere sucks. I just gotta get used to it.

I'm probably going to disappear.

Just for a little bit. I know I haven't been particularly religious about posting lately.

This Friday, I got a bid to the sorority I was rushing, and now I'm going through pledging, which is going to take a lot of my time. I'm so excited, and I was so nervous last week, and now... I'm ridiculously happy, but a little nervous for pledging. I want to get my big, and I want it to go by fast so I can get my shirt and not be a pledge anymore.

I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous I might die.

On fat and ridiculousness.

I am fat.

It becomes increasingly more apparent to me as each day progresses.
Sometimes I think to myself, "Oh, I'm not that fat, really."

Then I see myself in the mirror.

Or my pants/dress/shirt won't fit right.

Or I see someone else.

And I remember how disgustingly fat I am. 

Why wasn't I just born thin?

That awkward moment when...

I purged for the first time this (school) year tonight, after four deep fried mozzarella sticks, too many curly fries, and a bag of Rolos. I think I got everything out.
After I finished purging (literally 2 minutes after) I was washing my face, and another girl on my floor came in and used the same stall.
I felt terrible, because it absolutely reeked of vomit in there.

I have so much work to do right now, but I wanted to update and tell you guys how much I adore and miss you. I will try to start posting more often. <3

New beginnings, old memories.

I had a really fantastic summer at camp, aside from hooking up with A again, and him being a complete douchebag for the rest of the summer. It's hard to believe that this will be the last summer with some of these people. A bunch of the experienced guy counselors, including two of my really close friends, aren't planning on returning next summer. After our closing campfire, we usually go around and give everyone a hug. I had given all my hugs, and I saw one of them, R, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I held my arms out again, and he hugged me and said, "Yeah, I definitely need another one from you." We'd had kind of a rough summer, getting into a bunch of arguments, but he's really one of my best friends. He's one of two people that know about my, ahem, food issues, and he's the only one of the guys that actually knows how far I've gone with A. He was with me all through the marijuana fiasco, where one of the girls told my director a blatant lie that we had smoked on camp property, and he was one of the first to welcome me into their group my first summer.

Can you tell I'm really going to miss him?

On a happier note, without even really trying (alright, I did skip a few meals and purge once, and run a couple times) I managed to lose ten pounds. Next week, I start cheerleading, which will hopefully eat up my time and weight. Fingers crossed.
I'm nervous.