I don't know what's wrong with me.

I eat and eat and eat.

I'm back up to 224, but I'm pretty stable here.
I want to be down to 200 by the summer I think.



I mean, I really want to be down to 160 by the summer, but we all know that won't happen.
I don't have any willpower.
I don't go to the gym.
My metabolism is fucked.

Last night, I vomited through my nose.
Not like, trying to purge or anything, just sometimes I get really bad heartburn if I have too much ketchup, chocolate, greasy food, or dairy (all of which comprise the majority of my diet), and I kind of puked a little.
And because I was leaning over the sink, washing my face, it came out my nose.


Gross.
I'm gross.

I am immense.

I take up massive amounts of space.

All I want to do is shrink myself so that I don't take up more than a square inch.

I want to be a tiny dust speck.

Who am I?

Today I ate:
-8 slices of cheddar cheese (114)
-2 Snickerdoodle cookies (250)
-1 piece of toast with 1/2 tablespoon of butter and cinnamon sugar (110)
-1/2 grilled cheese sandwich (250)
-1 cup chicken noodle soup (87)
-15 Edamame beans (50)
-2 lollipops (120)
-1 cup of hot chocolate (80)

Total: 1061

I didn't eat from midnight to noon, then didn't eat again from noon to 10:30. I barely drank any water today, and for like 3 hours I was dancing pretty intensively.

I hope I lose weight tomorrow.

I'm so exhausted I don't even feel like a real person.

Why.

I don't get it.
I don't get why everything always goes to shit.
And I'm always alone.
I'm sick of always going to bed alone.


I am so fucking tired of going to bed alone.




And I need someone here who, when I say, "I don't want to talk about it," or "I'm fine, just not feeling good," knows that I really need them to stay with me.





I'm scared of myself.
I'm so scared of myself.

I can't.

Every single guy I know is in love with one of my best friends. Like, literally every guy who meets her instantly falls in love with her.

And it kind of blows.

Disappearing Charlie.

Hi. I know I've kind of disappeared a little bit recently.

I'm sorry.

Things are kind of hectic right now. I just got back for spring semester, and recruitment for my sorority started this week, and I've been auditioning for a play (ended up with a bullshit part and quit today, long story short), and all of my classes are ridiculously hard.


So there's that.
I lost two of the three pounds I gained over break.
Mostly because I only eat one meal a day (usually consisting of curly fries, three chicken tenders, two cheese sticks, a soda, and a Cadbury bar). And partially because I have to walk a mile to school uphill every day.
In the snow.

My parents are working on getting me my first car right now. My mom says that they're close, but she won't tell me how close. I think they're going to try to surprise me somehow, but who knows. Could be a week, could be a month.
I hope it's soon. Waking up at 6:00 AM to get up for my 8:00 AM lab really sucks. If I had a car, I could get up at 7:30 AM.




I'll try to be a real person soon. I promise.

I feel weird.

Two months purge free?

Well, up until last night, I WAS two months purge-free, going into my third month.

Last night I got really drunk (not crazy drunk, but pretty damn drunk, like to the point where I was able to be social and talk to people and not be an awko-taco), and we went to McDonald's and I had a hamburger, twenty piece nuggets, and large sweet tea (half-sweet, half-unsweetened). I didn't really eat much else yesterday, just a bacon omelette and some chips and salsa, so I was pretty much drinking on an empty stomach, which usually spells bad news for me but I was surprisingly fine as of last night.

So anyway, we get back to the dorm, and I think about throwing up. I go pee, and I was feeling a little nauseous.

I've been debating with myself as to if last night broke my no-purging streak and I decided it does for the following reasons:
-I probably could have just gone to bed and not throw up.
-Although it did make me feel significantly better, it was not urgent or my body's reaction, I had to physically make myself throw up.
-That was a pretty monstrous binge and I didn't really want it in my stomach.


This morning, before I left, I stopped at McDonald's again. This morning I was feeling a little weird, possibly hungover, but without the headache, just the nausea. I figured it was because my stomach was so empty and it hasn't been used to being empty (you know, like hunger-related nausea?) so I got three hamburgers, a small fry, and a small chocolate shake. I got two burgers down, a few fries, and the shake, and they made me feel even worse. Mind you, this is an hour drive, I was maybe fifteen minutes into it.

So I finally got home, shat my brains out (TMI, maybe, this made me feel less nauseous though) and went to lay down, then immediately got up, stuck my fingers down my throat, and a lot of stuff came out, despite having been "digesting" for almost an hour (I'm convinced that I don't metabolize food like a normal person anymore).

I'm a little shaky now, but I feel a lot better after purging. I'm counting it. So now I start over counting the purge-free days.


I think I might try to eat that last hamburger now.

"And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved."

In this past week I have gained approximately 5 pounds (haven't weighed myself in about three days so not 100% on this but I'm nearly sure it's about 5 pounds) and I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

Thank you guys so much for your comments, they mean so much to me.
Having to put my dog down was really hard, not so much because it was my birthday, but because that dog has been a part of my life for the last 13 years.

We haven't had a house without dogs since 1995. Which is a pretty fucking long time.

When I get back to school I need to get serious about losing weight. Every day except Thursday, my earliest class is 11, so those days I can go run in the morning and still have time to get ready. It's gonna suck, but I'm gonna try.

I'm going to visit my friend at her university tomorrow, and it should be fun. We're gonna get real shitty. I made Skittles vodka for the occasion, and I even bought decent vodka to make it with.
Maybe it'll be kind of fun...

Today.

Today was my 21st birthday.
Today I bought my first legal alcohol.
Today I ate
-1 bacon and 2 egg omelette
-3 waffles
-1 donut
-1 turkey sandwich
-20 barbeque potato chips
-1 extra large piece of ice cream cake
Today I weighed 222.6.
Today we put my dog down, and it was one of the hardest things ever.



That's all.

Sorry.

I'm going to be a bit MIA this week, mostly because I'm home for the week before spring semester starts. And partially because it's my birthweek, and I turn 21 on Monday (which I know to some of you, you're like "21? Big fucking deal," but it means I can finally legally drink, so yay).

I'm still reading, and I'm gonna try to comment on your posts (I know I write terrible comments, I'm sorry), but I make absolutely no promises as to how much I will be posting this week.

Love you all.