Ugh.

I hate this holiday. Like, oh, let's celebrate our love for the world by STUFFING OUR FACES WITH FOOD.

For the record, I did.

Then I purged.

Now I'm polishing off a quarter of an apple pie with milk and ice cream.

I honestly didn't know I could fit that much food in my stomach. It kept coming and coming and I jammed my fingers down my throat. I thought it would never stop.

I definitely cut my throat with my fingernails. There were a few splotches of blood in the mashed potatoes. Bright red. Like ketchup.

My weight has finally stabilized from this weekend's binge around 213.

Gross.

I'm home for break, so I no longer have my scale with me. I hope my parents scale isn't too far off.

Wow.

I ate pounds on pounds of food this weekend. 

Who lets me smoke weed? Come on guys...

About to go weigh myself... Cross your fingers that the damage isn't too bad.

I've already eaten so much today. It's only 2 PM. 

-1 chocolate glazed donut (190)

-1 apple (55)

-8 oz milk (111)

-2/3 cup of mini marshmallows (100)

I know that might not seem like a lot but it's a lot of calories, especially since it's a Friday.

I hate myself a little less today.

I woke up at 209.4, which is easily my lowest weight since September. After eating, it's back up to 211.0.

I finally made an appointment with the counseling center at my school. I really, truly think I have ADD, but I also want Adderall for the appetite suppressing side effects.

I don't know what else I'll tell her. Maybe something. Maybe everything. Who knows.

What I Ate Today: A comprehensive list that can also be acknowledged as "too much"

9 chicken nuggets

2 tbsp ketchup

Gallons of Diet Coke

1 cup of Mac and cheese

2 lollipops

1 apple

Wow. I can't even. No wonder I still weigh so much.

Never good enough.

No matter what I do no matter how hard I try nothing I do is ever good enough so now I'm officially done trying I can't handle this I'm still fat my metabolism is shot to shit and I wish I could just disappear forever and no one would notice.

Also I cut myself tonight because there was nothing in my stomach except Diet Coke to purge.

Now I have to wear long sleeves to Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday.

Late nights, Diet Coke, Edmund Spenser, and red nail polish.

Fat fingers.

Ew.

So I ate a shit ton today. It was fun. Let's chronicle it, shall we?

1 omelette with three pieces of bacon

1/3 cup curly fries with ketchup

13 baby carrots

1 small apple

1/2 cup of ice cream

1 cup of hot cocoa

1 taco (soft shell) with cheese

Hoolyyy shit. I haven't eaten since around 6 (it's about midnight now) so hopefully I'll get my work done and go to bed hungry again.

Growl.

My stomach keeps growling in class. It's really uncomfortable to have people look at me.

Stop, I'm fat.

New low.

New low weight since this summer, 212.4. The hunger pains are worth it, the hunger pains are worth it.

I need to be thinner over break than I was over the summer.

Also, I'm moving to lifeguard at the waterfront next summer, so I REALLY need to lose this weight.

Bingetastic.

This weekend was one giant binge right after another. Chicken tenders, bacon, eggs, cereal, candy, ugh.

Luckily, after not eating very much today, I'm back to my pre-weekend weight.

So I restarted at 215 (holy fucking crap I know I'm enormous.), and today I was at 213.6 at the end of the day. I had some candy, some baked chips, a Coke, basically shit food, but not a whole lot of it I guess. I also have my period so bloating and cramps and weight gain for everyone!

Now I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm hungry. Whatever. I'm so tempted to eat something right now but I'm going to try not to. I'm trying to retrain my body into thinking hunger pains are fun.

The ultimate goal is to be 200 for thanksgiving, so I have a little more than a week. It probably won't happen, but I'd be cool with 205 for turkey day.

Speaking of, I'm no longer a vegetarian. It's a curse and a blessing. On the bright side, most meat doesn't have that many calories, and a lot of it is actually reasonably healthy. On the downside, now I eat. And eat. And eat.

Bingetastic.

2nd Post of the Day

So far I've been really good. I'm still at the same calorie count, and I've had an extra liter of water and a Diet Coke. I love Diet Coke but for some reason I decided to not drink soda for an extended period of time. Now I'm back on that Diet Coke grind.

Today, I was reading through my old blog. If you haven't read it, and want to read the insane rambling of a 16-19 year old girl who is starving herself and purging occasionally, go check it out at: www.brokenmirrorsshattereddreams.blogspot.com

I've been thinking a lot about my high school years and how fucking insane I was and how the hell I got away with it. One day I brought a sliced lemon to school for lunch. And a Diet Coke. A fucking lemon. I sucked it dry. I was literally fucking crazy. How did people let me do that?

Woof.

I'm at 734 calories for today so far.. I know it's high but it's better than my 2000+ cal binge from yesterday. If I can hold myself together until bedtime, maybe I'll lose some weight tonight.

I've figured out why it's been so hard for me to keep my weight down in college. I'm a secret binger, I only ever really binge on food when I'm alone (drunk binges are totes different). Pretty much all of my roommates in the past three years have been MIA during most days, which gives me plenty of free time to binge.

Food for thought. Hah.

Yeah, I'm back.. Kind of.

I'm back and fatter than ever. I just don't have any motivation at all to do anything. But I need to start doing something. I'm working at the waterfront next year which means bathing suits all day every day which means I need to get back to my first year of camp weight... That means losing approximately sixty pounds by July. Fuck.

I feel like my entire life is crashing at my feet and there's nothing I can do to stop it.