The constant struggle.

Between eating and not eating.

Eating, because it tastes good. At least the first bite does. The last guilty bite does not.
Not eating, because all I want in life is to be thin.



Getting wasted tonight. Happy fucking New Years.

Going away.

Visiting family in New Hampshire. Hopefully getting drunk a whole lot.


Goddamn it.
I hate being fat.

Fast

I'm fasting today. I need a clean start, a clean slate.


Only water and black coffee. Water and black coffee.


Tomorrow I'm going to start something I used to do called the "Chemical Diet." I can't find the link that it used to be at. But I mean, I guess I originally found the damn thing about four years ago.

Jesus fucking Christ. Has it really been four years? One year of actual starving, three years of attempted starvation and lots of purging. Holy shit.

I need a new scale. I don't have one in my bathroom and it makes me itchy.
I'm going to make my mom get me one tomorrow.


Also I'm looking for diet pills to buy. Suggestions? Please?

Anyway. Chemical Diet. It's basically coffee. Essentially haha. I'm going to go find the Word document I saved it under.


Toodles.

I'm really really fat.

And I'm starting to take out my hatred of myself on other people...

Time to start running.

I think I may be depressed.

Like legitimately clinically depressed.


Alright, I am drunk right now.





But I think I might be.

Anonymous commenters/rant.

For the most part, there isn't anything wrong with you. In fact, a lot of you who comment on my blog I honestly enjoy your comments

But the one I just got pissed me the fuck off.
If you're reading this, anonymous commenter, please just stop. I'm going to rant, and I'm probably going to say some mean things. I don't know if your brain can handle them.



First of all: YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT I'M DOING TO MY BODY?? Because that's what the fuck it sounds like. I can almost guarantee that I know more about what food/starving/purging does to your body than you do.
I am not uneducated. I am an adult, I am in college, I am not stupid. And also, I have a mother, that position isn't vacant.



Second of all, telling me that "we are in the same boat, going through similar things," and then fucking LECTURING ME on HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISING? HELLO, HYPOCRITE. If you want to eat healthy, great. If that's what you do, then you should not be telling me we're similar.

Third of all, this comment was on a post from APRIL. IT IS DECEMBER RIGHT NOW.

And finally, fourth of all, fat-free food is REALLY FUCKING UNHEALTHY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY THE HEALTHY FOOD CARD AT LEAST PLAY IT RIGHT. 


So fuck you.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone else in the world who hates themself as much as I hate myself.

Then I realize it can't physically be possible.
Because my hate for myself is bigger than anything I could possibly imagine.





Every night is a bad night.


I haven't cut myself in a long time.

I just did.
Eight straight lines along my left wrist.
Guess who's wearing long sleeves for a few weeks?

Disgusting.

I'm drowning the sorrows of my miserable fucking life in Cadbury chocolate.

Someone just kill me. Now.

Numbers.

I've said this before and I'm saying it again.
I need to get back to numbers.

I have no way to effectively weigh myself right now, so I'm going to have to wait until I get home. My mom already told me she would buy me a new scale.

So the only numbers I have control over right now are calories.
What goes in.
I'm making a new plan.
I haven't made a diet plan in a long time.
This is going to be fun.

Drunk and sloppy.

This weekend I got really drunk on Friday night.

I was.. well, I was white girl wasted. Let's be honest. I chugged a hard cider (way too many calories), did a double shot of rum, and had copious amounts of vodka and orange soda on an empty stomach.

I was having fun until I saw the guy that I like who's been really mean to me recently making out with some other girl.
Then I went to one of my friends, who is in the same fraternity as the guy I liked, and asked if I could have some of his vodka.

Of course I could.



Chugged that shit.
Ended up puking and seeing three of everything for quite some time.
I saved my sloppy for once I got back to my sorority house though. I don't like people taking care of me.
Saturday ended up being a food shit show involving Dominos.
Sunday ended up being a food shit show of leftover Dominos and candy.
And today ended up being a food shit show of candy and purging mashed potatoes.

Needless to say, my life is not going according to plan.