I'm hungry.

And I don't want to eat.

But I want to eat.

Don't eat. Eat. Don't eat. Eat.

Back and forth, back and forth.





I need to lose 20 pounds this summer.

I'm in Georgia...

Hopefully losing weight. Also this is a mobile post, so I don't know how this is going to go. I love you all. Thank you so much for you support.

It'd be nice

It'd be nice if someone here would just look at me and hug me and tell me I'm not worthless.



Saturday night was... Interesting. The guy I went to formal with, he's really nice. I got super drunk, and drunk Charlie plus slippery frat floors plus high heels equals lots of ass-falling. He told me I looked really pretty.
I like him.
I do.
Just not like that, I don't think.
I made out with him.


I'm stupid.
What else is new.

What's the point?

I'm never going to be beautiful enough for the guy that I like. I'm never going to be thin enough to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, I look great." I'm never going to be perfect.
So what's the point?

I am so fat.

So ridiculously fat it's gross. I ate so much food today.
I gained 20 pounds at college.
Hopefully I'll be able to lose it this summer.


I got invited to a fraternity formal. The guy is really nice, and I think he likes me. I don't know how I feel about him.

I try not to feel too much nowadays.

I ate so much tonight.

8 Chips Ahoy cookies, 2 Double-Stuf Oreos, 1 rootbeer, 2 handfuls of popcorn, 1 and a half Twizzlers.


I am literally not eating tomorrow.
This is more food than I've consumed all week, pretty much (not counting what I've purged).

Fuck, I have to have dinner with my parents tomorrow.
Fuck.

"Good for her."

Thank you guys for your comments. :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't like to use "suffering" to describe it.

While I was walking back from ballet today, in my tights and spandex shorts, hair in a bun, two girls waking behind me started talking. What I heard:
"Oh, I always see her... I want to take ballet."
"Mumble mumble mumble,"
"Mumble mumble... Good for her."

They continued their conversation. I have no idea if the second "her" they were referring to was me... I assumed that it was, and I assumed they said it because of how hideously fat I am.

What other reason could there possibly be?

On purging blood and suffering.

On purging, for Kate:
I am no medical expert when it comes to purging, and blood and whatnot. The only things I know are things that are easily accessible through the Google machine.
I really don't purge all that much, maybe 4-5 times a week. Usually only if I eat something that makes me feel guilty or if I overeat, occasionally I will b/p because I just feel mentally awful. Some weeks are better, some weeks are worse. I have only ever purged blood twice in my life. Once yesterday, and once in December. Both times, the blood has been bright red.
From what I have seen and heard on the internet, bright red blood means a tear in the throat/esophagus region (if anyone has any corrections for me, please leave them in the comments). Dark blood means internal bleeding, and is a sign that something is seriously wrong (also known as SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION).

On suffering, from me:
I'm not really sure how I feel when people say they are "suffering" from an eating disorder. Yes, eating disorders are hell. Most of us don't even admit to having one. I don't know if I've ever said I have an eating disorder. Whenever I describe it, I usually say disordered eating habits. Because I don't have an eating disorder. Just some habits. I've never used the term suffering. Maybe it's okay in the past tense, i.e.; "I suffered from an eating disorder," but in the present tense... I don't like it.

Thoughts?

Creative Writing

I have this awful creative writing professor.
She asks our opinions about things, and then tells us why her opinion is the right one.

Today she asked us to name three things that we think might be the root of all evil. We could be serious or funny, it didn't matter.
My three things were:
1) Humans
2) B.O.
3) Cheesecake

When it was my turn, she goes, "Why cheesecake?"
So I said, "Because it's so good... You just can't stop eating it..."
And she says, "Oh, and eating a lot of cheesecake makes you fat... Does anyone think that fat is the root of all evil?"
In my head: yes.
No one answers, and she continues about fat people and how she loves them. At one point she said something ridiculous, and I put my hand over my mouth and looked away, trying not to laugh out loud, and she says,
"Oh, no, I wasn't calling YOU fat, Charlie."




Mortifying.
Because obviously, I am fat.

Purging blood...

Still kind of scares me.

This is only the second time it happened.
But it still kind of scares me.

It's really amazing how one person can make your whole day brighter.

The girl in the sorority who wants me to be her little next year messaged me on Facebook today to tell me she's officially staying here (not transferring) and how she's so glad she met me, and how I made the biggest impression on her out of all the girls who rushed.
It made me so, so happy.

Not happy enough to eat, but... You know.

Last night...

I had a bag of Cheetos and a Crunch bar.
Both of which I purged.


Things that stayed in my stomach yesterday:
-3 mini Kit Kat bars (not the fun sized, where there are two, but the mini single ones that are as long as my pinky) (126)
-1 cup of cornflakes (100)
-1 cup of almond milk (60)
TOTAL: 286
So, not great.

Today, I'm having a bowl of plain Greek yogurt with a packet of hot chocolate powder mixed in (220).

Hopefully, that will be all.

Thank you so much for your comments- They mean the world to me. <3
I am actually rushing the sorority again next year; a lot of the girls encouraged me to, and one of them I'm in love with. I want her to be my big, and she wants me to be her little. We're super awkward together. :)