I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so fat.

There aren't words to describe.

Someday I might fly away.

Today I ate:
-1 slice of cheese pizza (grease blotted with a napkin)
-1/2 a Caesar salad (Romaine and croutons with parmesan cheese, no dressing)
-1 baked potato
-2 tablespoons of butter
-2 pieces of some brown bread
-1 bottle of Spite
-12-15 Godiva chocolates
-1 bag (3.1 oz) of Hello Kitty Jelly Bellys


Way too fucking much.
Went shopping today. Got a new bag, new makeup bag, new bathing suit. Bleh. Got a stuffed manatee at the place we went to dinner.
I love stuffed animals. They make me so happy.

I want more shells. I'll have to actually go to the beach tomorrow to get some. It's my last day here.
I wish we could stay longer. I like the sun. I like the warm. I like the sound of the waves and how the sand feels between my toes.

I'm better today.

I went for a long walk on the beach with my cousin. We found shells. My hair looks awesome in the salt humidity.
I did a thirty minute workout today. Which is, as usual, pathetic, but better than none. 20 minutes cardio and 10 minutes of weights and crunches.

I'm fat.

Before and after thinspo is my favorite.

I just want to be thin.

Is that really so much to ask?

I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my hair falls out or my skin flakes or my nails turn blue or my teeth rot or my bones break or my period stops or my esophagus tears. I want to be thin so badly that I don't care if my stomach growls for days on end or my throat burns from shoving my fingers down it. I want to be thin so badly that I would do anything.

Anything.

I want to be thin so my dad will stop looking at me with disappointment. I want to be thin so I can get dressed without having to change five times because my clothes don't fit or my legs/stomach/arms/face/teeth look fat. I want to be thin so I can disappear.


I want to disappear.

This is the worst vacation I've ever been on.

And I just want to go home.
I don't


I can't even write this down right now.


I'm going to go cry for a bit. Then maybe I'll be able to write something worthwhile.

I hate his fucking girlfriend.

She's so skinny. I want to be her.


Not to be his girlfriend. I want to be her so I can be skinny.

Ultimately... pissed.

So the guy I've been hooking up with, who I will probably continue hooking up with for as long as I hang out with him and he works with me (we've only hooked up three times since early August), has this girlfriend.
And facially, she's not that pretty.
And I definitely have better hair than her.
But she's so skinny. And I hate her for it.


I'm going to be skinnier than her. Way skinnier.


Also, I just found out that the two acne cysts that have in the past two days formed on my chin could be a direct result from drinking too much milk. I love milk. :( This makes me really sad.