Over it.

I'm so over myself. I hate that I can't lose weight because I'm too busy stuffing my face. I hate that I have no motivation to exercise. I hate myself.


On the other hand, I finally cleaned my room. And I've kept it clean for a week (which is kind of a big deal for me).
Taking my Ritalin regularly helps. But I have to take it after my morning shift, otherwise I crash by 11AM. I want to talk to my doctor and try to switch to something that's a timed-release.

I started my grad school application last week, and I finished the financial aid form that I had to submit. Now onto my taxes... I'm still waiting on my W-2 from the place I was fired from last year. I only worked there in 2015 for like a month, but they're still required to send it to me... I have a feeling they won't send it. #illegal

I need to work on lesson plans, but I don't want to work on lesson plans.

Sense of Impending Doom

It feels like my world is crashing down, like everything is going wrong. Like nothing I do is right. My heart is racing, my head is spinning, I feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up or both and my hands are shaking.
It's hard to sleep.
It's not hard to eat but when is that ever a problem?


But nothing's wrong. There's no crisis, there's no problems. Everything is fine. It's stagnant. It's not moving.




I want to run away.

Off the Wagon

So I had a really shit week last week at work. I won't go into details because honestly
a) I'm sick of talking about it
and b) with the amount of backstory it would take up, it would take me like an hour to write about it.

But anyway... Monday-Thursday was pretty good, eating-wise. I did have one too many bowls of cereal Thursday night, but that's because I was high as fuck, so whatever.
On Friday night, I wanted pizza. And then I noticed that Pizza Hut had a deal. $5 each for two or more of certain items. So I got a medium pizza, double order of breadsticks, and giant chocolate chip cookie.
It was delicious.
It also made my face break out pretty bad.

So I'm trying to get back on track again. There's no binge food in the house, and my parents are home again, which prevents me from eating whatever I want.
The dairy free was pretty nice though. Like, obviously it's pretty hard, because my mom eats cheese by the barrel and my dad uses whole milk for his smoothies (he's trying to gain weight, it's a long story), so I'm constantly surrounded by delicious things. Whatever. Soon enough I will be back in school and living in an apartment.

New Year, Same Shit.

Hi.
It's been awhile.

So, I'm currently awake 3 hours past my bedtime, because instead of being productive today, I slept from 10am to 2pm...
Great job.


I'm currently on a meal plan of my own creation. It's about 1,000-1,200 calories a day, mainly focusing on dairy-free. I don't remember if I've talked about it here, but one thing I've noticed over the years is that my acne flares up HORRIBLY when I eat dairy, and especially when I drink milk. It's not usually a problem if I eat things that have dairy in them, but I've never been one for moderation in my life.

I'll write some more tomorrow. I miss blogging.