So...

I'm sitting at lunch with my food in front of me and I really don't want it.

Round.

I just saw a picture of myself from a few weeks ago.

I am really fat in it.

Also my face is so round. It looks like a fucking beach ball.

Holy fucking shit. I lost so much weight a few years ago why do I look like this now?

My plans.

I'm just gonna eat my feelings for a few days.
Because I'm already fucking obese and hideous anyway.
What's a few more days gonna do.

I am a mess.

And not a hot one.


I had sex with one of my friends, a brother at a fraternity that I chill at a significant amount.

I have so many feelings and I don't want them can someone please take them away I just want to be numb.

Getting ripped.

So my friend and I have decided that we are going to piss our roommates off by becoming extremely fucking sexually attractive. I even went to the gym today. The women's field hockey coach smiled at me as I was lifting and told me I was working hard. Not many girls lift here who aren't on a sports team.

I did cardio for 20 minutes and lifted for 25... Before that I had granola with plain yogurt, honey, and half an apple which disgustingly enough is approximately 550 calories. After my workout I had two slices of pizza which come to an equally gross 520 calories. It's salad and peanut butter toast for dinner.. I'll figure out those calories when I get to them. I'm trying to stay as close to 1000 calories a day as possible for this first week and then I'm going to start dropping it. I'm recording everything I eat and drink again and I hav a lovely set of rules that I'll share when I'm not typing this on an iPod!

Love you all very very much.

The Patriots lost.

Let me go wallow in my misery.

On a less depressing note, I'm still super super fucking fat.


Oh wait...


Thank you guys for all your comments. I really do appreciate them. <3

Summary of last week.

I am fat. No one loves me.


That is all.

Candy.

On Sunday (that's tomorrow), I'm giving up candy and sweets. This is a big deal for me. Over the past four months I've become addicted to chocolate in a really bad way.
This month, my friend and I are starting an exercise/diet program. Every day we don't exercise is a day we don't get to go party.

New year, same bullshit.

I can't stay home this long without going crazy. Hah. That was a joke, I already am crazy.

I really appreciate the comments you guys leave me. They help me feel like maybe I'm not alone even though my head tells me I am completely and utterly alone. 


I'm planning a binge of epic proportions for today. Today is my last day of being ugly and allowing myself to be ugly without trying to improve on this lump of lard. Tomorrow I'm getting my nails done, and the next day my hair, so maybe if I imagine real hard, I'll be able to see what I'll look like when I'm actually pretty.

On New Year's Eve, my camp friends and I had a party.
The guy I've hooked up with, the one with the girlfriend, brought his girlfriend. And even with her there, I could tell that if she wasn't there he'd be trying and not just looking at me and getting really close to me.
Also, I outdrank everyone, which is something a really fat person can do.


So I'm going to go binge now. Probably won't purge because I have a canker sore and it hurts.

Isn't that funny how that works? I'm less inclined to purge when I have a canker sore because it stings a little, but when my heart starts acting funny nothing changes and I continue to purge like nothing is wrong.

Love you all.

My most recent self-diagnosis.

I know doctors always get all pissy when you self-diagnose. And I know it's not exactly safe to self-diagnose..
But I like to try to figure out what's going on in my mind.
Some days it feels like depression, sometimes more along the lines of a personality disorder...

And I think lately I've been experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder.


But maybe I'm just crazy.

New Years Resolutions

1. Weigh myself. Every. Day.
2. Eat less.
3. Starve more.
4. Get skinny.