On mental conditions and mac and cheese.

Right now, at this moment, I am in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in. I'd say it's approximate to the height of my eating issues in my junior year of high school. I'm terrified to leave my room, even more terrified to go to the dining hall or the library (where I'm required to go), because I'm scared I'm going to mess something up in my pledging process. I'm terrified of people generally, and this process is literally eating me from the inside out. I can't stand thinking that I did something wrong, I hate doing things wrong. Any little thing I can't do, or don't do correctly makes me want to vomit.
I ate my first full meal in the dining hall today, and I actually ate food. Mac n cheese, a brownie, and maybe a quarter of an ice cream cone. I was so full after the first couple bites, but I had to eat a little more. I had an almost-grey-out in ballet yesterday and it was terrifying. I can't be passing out when I'm still so fat.
I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Last I knew I was about ten pounds lower than the beginning of this summer. I hope I lost weight this week.

It makes me really sad how much support my roommate's boyfriend gives her. I'm really jealous. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't ave anyone that I can legitimately be emotional in front of.  I don't think I'll ever find someone that I can be emotional in front of.
I really want someone.
Maybe because I want it so bad, that's why I can't get it.

Haven't been eating much lately...

Mostly just because I'm terrified to go to the dining hall and run into people.
But I'm sure it's doing all my fat a hell of a ton of good.

Pledging sucks, but what else is new. Being on the bottom of the totem pole anywhere sucks. I just gotta get used to it.

I'm probably going to disappear.

Just for a little bit. I know I haven't been particularly religious about posting lately.

This Friday, I got a bid to the sorority I was rushing, and now I'm going through pledging, which is going to take a lot of my time. I'm so excited, and I was so nervous last week, and now... I'm ridiculously happy, but a little nervous for pledging. I want to get my big, and I want it to go by fast so I can get my shirt and not be a pledge anymore.

I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous I might die.

On fat and ridiculousness.

I am fat.

It becomes increasingly more apparent to me as each day progresses.
Sometimes I think to myself, "Oh, I'm not that fat, really."

Then I see myself in the mirror.

Or my pants/dress/shirt won't fit right.

Or I see someone else.

And I remember how disgustingly fat I am. 

Why wasn't I just born thin?

That awkward moment when...

I purged for the first time this (school) year tonight, after four deep fried mozzarella sticks, too many curly fries, and a bag of Rolos. I think I got everything out.
After I finished purging (literally 2 minutes after) I was washing my face, and another girl on my floor came in and used the same stall.
I felt terrible, because it absolutely reeked of vomit in there.

I have so much work to do right now, but I wanted to update and tell you guys how much I adore and miss you. I will try to start posting more often. <3