I am a giant fat slutbag

Buuttttt what else is new?

Tonight was a fucking shitshow.

I hate guys.

Nervous.

A friend on my floor has a really hot boyfriend. He's in the Army. Naturally, he has hot friends that are also in the army.

One of them is coming up this weekend to get schwasty with us for St. Patty's. He recently broke up with a girlfriend. He's really hot. He told my friend that he thought I was cute, from what he could see of my Facebook profile.

I hate this sort of thing, because now I have expectations of how the weekend could go, and I know that nothing ever ends up meeting my expectations, let alone exceeding them.

Sigh.

Guess I'll just try to keep running then. Get some of this fat off before Saturday.

Being happy

is really difficult.

Where I've gone.

I got a call exactly one week ago telling me that I did not get a bid from the sorority.
I was pretty upset, so I went to the gym.
And for the past week, I've been trying to eat healthy and work out.

I lost three pounds in four days, and after two/three days of not doing any cardio, only gained one back.
I realized that if I lost those by starving, I would have gained them all back.

I'm trying to focus on making myself happy right now, by doing my schoolwork, and eating clean, healthy foods, and exercising on a regular basis.
These past few days have been hard, being really sick, and especially with my friend consistently bragging about how she's lost 20 pounds in a month. But I'm trying to stay on track. I hope you guys understand. I will continue to post here when I can. <3 I love you all.

I've been gone a few days.

Sorry.
I'll explain that when I can.

I might be gone a few more days.

I really just hate

how literally five people just asked me if I got a bid.

No.
If I had, I probably would've told you.


I also really hate
how everyone says "Oh, I'm sorry... You're better than them anyway."

Ummm, I still want to be one of them. You wouldn't be saying that if I did get a bid. So fuck you.

And I just got the phone call.

Not gonna eat for the rest of my life, okay?


I think what hurts the most about not getting a bid is that I thought that maybe this time it could be different. Like maybe people would see me, and see past the awkward, socially inept, nervous, fat girl.
But it's never really different, is it?
It's always the same.

Bid Day.

It's tomorrow.
I'm really nervous, I want this so bad.
I love the sorority I picked.

I've also gained weight over the past week.
So obviously, if I don't get a bid, it's because I'm fat, and the bingeing and purging will commence.

I wish I remembered how to starve.