That's about the time she walked away from me, nobody likes you when you're 23.

I'm fat.

I hate myself.

Happy birthday to me.

Over it.

I'm so over myself. I hate that I can't lose weight because I'm too busy stuffing my face. I hate that I have no motivation to exercise. I hate myself.


On the other hand, I finally cleaned my room. And I've kept it clean for a week (which is kind of a big deal for me).
Taking my Ritalin regularly helps. But I have to take it after my morning shift, otherwise I crash by 11AM. I want to talk to my doctor and try to switch to something that's a timed-release.

I started my grad school application last week, and I finished the financial aid form that I had to submit. Now onto my taxes... I'm still waiting on my W-2 from the place I was fired from last year. I only worked there in 2015 for like a month, but they're still required to send it to me... I have a feeling they won't send it. #illegal

I need to work on lesson plans, but I don't want to work on lesson plans.

Sense of Impending Doom

It feels like my world is crashing down, like everything is going wrong. Like nothing I do is right. My heart is racing, my head is spinning, I feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up or both and my hands are shaking.
It's hard to sleep.
It's not hard to eat but when is that ever a problem?


But nothing's wrong. There's no crisis, there's no problems. Everything is fine. It's stagnant. It's not moving.




I want to run away.

Off the Wagon

So I had a really shit week last week at work. I won't go into details because honestly
a) I'm sick of talking about it
and b) with the amount of backstory it would take up, it would take me like an hour to write about it.

But anyway... Monday-Thursday was pretty good, eating-wise. I did have one too many bowls of cereal Thursday night, but that's because I was high as fuck, so whatever.
On Friday night, I wanted pizza. And then I noticed that Pizza Hut had a deal. $5 each for two or more of certain items. So I got a medium pizza, double order of breadsticks, and giant chocolate chip cookie.
It was delicious.
It also made my face break out pretty bad.

So I'm trying to get back on track again. There's no binge food in the house, and my parents are home again, which prevents me from eating whatever I want.
The dairy free was pretty nice though. Like, obviously it's pretty hard, because my mom eats cheese by the barrel and my dad uses whole milk for his smoothies (he's trying to gain weight, it's a long story), so I'm constantly surrounded by delicious things. Whatever. Soon enough I will be back in school and living in an apartment.

New Year, Same Shit.

Hi.
It's been awhile.

So, I'm currently awake 3 hours past my bedtime, because instead of being productive today, I slept from 10am to 2pm...
Great job.


I'm currently on a meal plan of my own creation. It's about 1,000-1,200 calories a day, mainly focusing on dairy-free. I don't remember if I've talked about it here, but one thing I've noticed over the years is that my acne flares up HORRIBLY when I eat dairy, and especially when I drink milk. It's not usually a problem if I eat things that have dairy in them, but I've never been one for moderation in my life.

I'll write some more tomorrow. I miss blogging.

Things I Don't Understand: Getting back with your ex

It seems to be a common theme lately with any/all guys I've been ... Well, fucking. Okay there's only two of them. But still.

They keep going back to their goddamn ex-girlfriends. One of them, his ex is the reason he went to jail in the first place. The other one has broken up and gotten back with his ex so many times I couldn't even tell you how many. That's how many.


Maybe I'm a bridge-burner, but once you're my ex, that means we're done. Forever. And I'm probably not going to want to associate with you again. Ever.
Granted, at this point in my life I have a total of one ex-boyfriend (who, by the way, randomly blocked me on Facebook this weekend).


I don't get people.
You already made that mistake. Stop fucking making it.







Plus I'm better than your ex anyway.

1 year, 10 months

As of tomorrow, I will be 1 year and 10 months purge-free.
(Not counting when I actually needed to throw up, like if I drank too much, which happens way to often, or if I had stomach flu or something)


It's weird to think about.
Sometimes I still get the urge to, like when I got pizza last Friday night for dinner.
I was thinking about it and thinking about it, like.. Wow this pizza makes me feel awful, but it tastes so good. I could easily just throw it up when I get home.

What stops me every time is that thought that it isn't just a one time thing. It's a compulsion. Once I start, everything has to be purged or it's no good.


Anyway, I'm trying to be healthy and shit. Like 1,500 calories a day or less.
It's hard.
I love sugar. And chocolate. And pizza.
But to be honest with you, after the first couple of bites, it never really tastes that great.
But I have to finish it all, so I might as well just not start

I've been doing yoga a lot. I found this really cool app that was like $4, and it has all these yoga classes on it. Everything from beginner 15 minute classes to super advanced expert classes. It's super calming and I like it. Maybe I told you guys about that already. Maybe not.

I have these two pairs of jeans that I want to be able to wear by the new year. They're not THAT small, but they're small enough that they're super uncomfortable. And I think like minus ten or fifteen pounds and they would fit alright. At least enough that I could wear them to stretch them out a bit.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But whatever.