At camp...

I'm actually doing really okay right now.

Last weekend was pretty rough.
I had this awful low-self-esteem moment and cried for a really long time, and the next night I drove home (about 45 minutes) drunk at 5am.

So there's that.

But during the week, I'm good.
It's the weekends that get me.
I've lost like seven or eight pounds, which isn't ideal, but I'll take it over nothing. I guess.

I've gotten much better at canoeing, and I'm teaching swim lessons as well now.
I have a killer tan, which makes me look skinnier (I think.)

Love you guys. <3 Thanks for sticking with me even though I'm not good at keeping up with this.

4:30 pm

I learned today that I have to get a mouthguard because I grind my teeth at night.
Apparently, I'm very stressed.
It's going to cost almost $300.
And the stress level rises.


I won't be paying for it myself, but the glasses I just ordered yesterday cost my mom like $200.
I'm an expensive adult child.

I've lost four pounds since Monday, by restricting. I haven't been counting calories, I just haven't really been eating. It's too hot for that shit.

Last night was a lot of fun. It was interesting, anyway.


I need to clean my room.



I made my friend make me a pancake this morning afternoon. He made it with an entire TWO TABLESPOONS of butter. Possibly more.

I haven't eaten since. It hasn't been too long. I'm just not hungry. Like my brain is hungry but I'm making it shut up because I know it's not actually hungry.

Hot as BALLS.

I swear to God I know exactly what sweaty balls must feel like because I pretty much am one at this point. Time to shower and get ready for a night of raucous drinking. Woo.

I did eat a bowl of rice with ketchup. I know, weird. But I like the salt.
When I was making it I was like, "No, I don't want this... I don't even know why I'm making it."
And then it was done and smelled so good.

Only one bowl though. Maybe a cup and a half. Probably closer to two but let's aim low here, shall we?

Saving my calories for the liquids to come.
I should eat some more breadstuffs though... Don't want to puke.



A guy I used to have a huge crush on is coming tonight. With his girlfriend. I can't even hate him which makes me so mad. He's pretty much the nicest guy ever. We went through like 3 years after me having a crush on him when things were SO SO AWKWARD but now it's transformed into really good friends so cool. I'm cool with that.

Maybe.





I'm a terrible, horrible, no good very bad person. I'm a mean girl.

Whatever.

Dizzy.

I haven't eaten since 1am.
It's almost 3pm.
I've had a lot of caffeine.
Not enough.
I'm dragging.

I know I need to eat something soon. We're drinking tonight, so I have to eat something. Maybe some rice.

I feel dizzy.
Not like the bad kind of passing out dizzy.
But like the good dizzy, like a really clear high.





So there's this guy. I've known him for five years, and I hooked up with him up until this past fall. He's had a girlfriend all five years I've known him.
We work together over the summer.
It's so stupid. I hate him, but I don't. He's one of my really good friends and I like hanging out with him.
But then sometimes we get drunk and hands and mouths find each other and things happen.
And then I hate him again.



Goddamn I need a joint.

Finals week.

Pulling my second all-nighter in a row, for no real reason other than I can't sleep.

I finally tried Adderall. 10mg, not too much. A happy finals gift from my sorority grand-big sister. She gave me five and a half pills to get me through finals. I have one pill left, and I'm going to be sad when it's gone.

I've personally suspected for quite awhile now that I have ADD/ADHD. I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting tested this summer.
Also I love that it keeps me from fixating on food. And when I do eat, I get full really fast.


Not a whole lot new to report. My life is boring. Been smoking a lot of weed. Stole a grinder from a frat house. Best decision of my life so far.


Haven't weighed myself in quite some time.
I'm kind of scared to.


Also, it's funny, I just realized. I am three months purge-free. And it makes me feel really happy.

Life is like the most unfair bitch in the world.

All of my cousins, female, are fucking beautiful and thin and always have boyfriends and are going places in life.

And then there's me.
Fatty McFatpants over here.
Hi.


I'm just gonna go crawl in a hole..
I mean, to find one that fits my fat ass I'll have to find a sinkhole, but whatever.

11:16 pm

On the bright side, I'm actually really sick. Sickness equals no hunger. Woo.

What I Ate Today
-12 mini chocolate bunnies (200)
-6 flavored Tootsie Rolls (140)
-1 grilled cheese, American cheese, white bread, butter (300)
-1 large Cherry Icee from Burger King (170)
-1 hamburger, no pickles, also from Burger King (240)

Total: 1050

Gross.