When I was younger...

I have some pictures of myself from during my major restricting phase.
It's interesting now to look at them.
When I saw them during that phase, I thought I looked huge.
A few years ago, during my purging phase, I thought I looked tiny.


Looking at them now, all I see is a normal sized seventeen year old. And it honestly kind of bothers me how much I hated myself all during that time. Actually, a lot of these pictures are from the time when I was starting to find value in myself as a person, when I started working at camp.


Now, I'm a huge monster-beast. But it's cool, I guess.

Anniversary

I missed my anniversary again. I'm shit with remembering things.
It was on February 8th.

February 8th, 2017 marked 3 years being purge-free. 

Now if only I could make it a week without bingeing.

It's been awhile...

And I'm sorry about that. Currently trying to get caught up on all of your blogs. Taking 15 grad school credits this semester. Working.

One of my friends is getting married in October. She found her wedding dress today, and afterwards we looked around at bridesmaids dresses.
Of the available dresses, a large, overstuffed rack of chiffon and tulle, there were a grand total of 3 dresses that were large enough for me to actually try on.
All of the other girls had five or six dresses that they tried on. All of them were too big for them.


I want to lose 80lbs by the October wedding (and my September dress fitting). 80lbs is doable. I did the math, and it works out to around 2.5lbs a week. But I actually have to maintain that for eight months.
I'm waiting as long as possible to put a deposit down on my dress, not because it's expensive (even though it is), but to see if I can lose any more weight before the cutoff date and maybe order down another size.
I am so fat.
On the bright side, I didn't gain any weight over the holidays.
On the not bright side, I've still gained 25lbs since August.
Gross.

Failure and old friends

So the guy from over the summer? The nineteen year old?
A few weeks ago he came to visit and we got drunk, and we made out.
Quite honestly I don't think I could even imagine fucking him.
But I like making out with people.


I have a scale now. And the scale tells me I've gained 10 lbs since August.
Which is disgusting.
Which is awful.
Which will take me far too long to lose again.

I had to cancel my weight loss doctor appointment last week due to car trouble.
Thank God. I don't know what I would do if the scale was up from the last time I was there.
Probably cry.
And then go eat a pint of ice cream.

Anne, I'm so glad to hear from you. It's been a long time. There's not many people left from the "old days" (back eight years ago, if that counts as "old days"), so it's really nice to reconnect.

Today I Ate:
1/2 cup cranberry juice (55)
1 Red Delicious apple (80)
1 granola bar (150)
1 iced coffee (120)
Teriyaki chicken, broccoli, and red pepper stir-fry (306)
Total: 711

I didn't work out today, which kind of sucked. But I worked almost 8 hours, which will be nice come paycheck time. I have so much work for school piled up, I just know it's going to be a rough weekend.

I've gained about five or six pounds since August.
I would have been working out all this week, but a foot injury set me out of the game for awhile. (Crutches blow, by the way.)



Need to lose weight.
Need to not be fat.

I need to weigh myself.
I haven't actually weighed myself since the doctor's appointment last week.
Which seems like not that long ago, but it feels like forever.
Last week all of my clothes were starting to feel tight (because I've been eating crap for a month straight without working out), but I got my period on Friday and it seems like it's all back to normal.
I worked out last week and did 5 miles on the elliptical, which is something I've never done in my life before.


But I am a gigantic monster... Especially after everything that went on this weekend.

Between booze and weed and coke and molly and people I haven't seen in a long time, it was interesting and fun and a total fucking mess all rolled into one.

I've been using those stupid dating apps like Tinder and Bumble recently, just because I have no friends in the town where I live.
I like having people to talk to, even if half the time the conversation ends up just dick pics.

Life musings.

I want to live in a Victorian-style house on top of a hill.
I want to keep bees and sell honey for fun.
I want a two miniature donkeys and a whole bunch of chickens and ducks.
I want to work and live near a small town.
I want to have solar panels covering my whole roof.
I want tiny nooks and crannies and history and character.
I want big rooms painted in pastel colors and huge windows to let the light in.
I want to marry someone who I love and who loves me.
I want an understated engagement ring and a gauzy, ethereal dress.
I want a small wedding.
I want a fun reception.
I want to hike the Appalachian Trail for my honeymoon.
I want poppies in my bouquet and I want my bridesmaids to wear grey.
I want to never have to worry about money, but I don't care to be a millionaire.
I want to adopt a kid, and maybe have one or two of my own.
I want to live in the sun.
I want to eat like a normal human being and not fuck up my kids.
I want to weigh 125lbs.
I want to be strong.