Nothing.

No weight loss this past week, despite 45+ minutes of swimming per day and eating so little that dizziness just became normal.
The past two nights have just been a binge-fest of McDonald's and beer.

My friend and I talked. He told me that the second half of the summer had sucked because I hated him so much. I told him that I didn't hate him, but that it really hurt my feelings when he ditched me for the girl he was trying to bone.
And then we apologized and hung out for a long time.
Last night we were drinking with a couple of coworkers and got wicked drunk. We were cuddling like we used to, before the girl changed our friendship. It was nice but then it was weird. He was running his hands up and down my arms and legs and just generally feeling me up. But nothing happened, and I don't even think that I wanted anything to happen. Like I said, weird.


Tomorrow I'm going to have to get back into not eating. I have a few protein shakes leftover from before the summer, so I guess I'll just have those for the most part.

Cleanliness

There's a girl who works at camp with me. She is quite big, bigger than I am (and I'm pretty fucking fat, let me tell you), and is just generally a negative person.
I remember a comment that Bella left about people with EDs and showering infrequently. I honestly don't know that I've ever witnessed this girl actually take a shower this summer. She has been spoken to a lot by our head of area and assistant director about her hygiene, but refuses to do anything to change. It's actually really gross and a little bit sad, and I wonder if it has anything to do with her weight. I mean, I shower very infrequently (this past week, I went Sun-Thurs without taking a shower, as in I took a shower on Sunday and didn't shower again until Thursday), but I work at the lake, and I'm in and out of the water constantly. I even wash my hair in the lake sometimes.

I don't know why I'm bringing this up. Just thinking about a lot of things, I guess.

Getting closer.

I am six pounds away from having lost 50 lbs since April. Six pounds away from being back to under 200 lbs. I'd like to be under 200 lbs by the time I get to the end of camp (next week), and definitely under 200 by the time I get to my next appointment at the weight loss doctor (two weeks). The biggest problem is going to be continuing to be active and not eating very much when I leave camp.
It's going to be harder because I will have my own apartment, but easier because I will have very little money.

I will live on protein shakes and work so much and go to school so much that I won't have time to eat.



But now I am hungry.
On the weekends, I feast. And I am STARVING. It's time for dinner.

Yet again, I manage to make myself look like the biggest idiot in the world.

I'd been hanging out with one of my guy friends from work all summer. He's nineteen, I'm twenty-three, but we've always been really good friends. We always took our nights off together and hung out on our breaks at night and such. We're pretty close, and sometimes we would get pretty touchy-feely, mostly just to make other people uncomfortable, because it didn't make us uncomfortable. He told his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) that I was his best friend at the camp where we work.
We took a night off together that was just us, making jokes that it was a "date", and we went bowling, got ice cream, and went to eat it on this pier nearby, to watch the moon and the stars near the lake. As we were sitting there, he was talking to me about how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Here is a short list of things he told me that night:
-His girlfriend was super needy, and he didn't really like that
-He didn't miss her at all (she lives two hours away)
-He couldn't talk to her and have an intelligent conversation with her
-He wanted to be with someone who is one of his best friends, who he can see himself being with for a long time
Stupid me, here I am thinking that he's referring to me. At first it made me a little uncomfortable. I was thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons of actually liking him, and it turns out he was actually talking about a different girl we work with who is tiny and skinny and pretty and to be honest, kind of a fucking cunt.
Last weekend, he drove two hours to break up with his girlfriend, then spent the rest of the weekend with the girl. And has spent most of his time with her ever since.
First of all, I feel so fucking stupid.
Second of all, I don't know whether I'm more upset that he likes her and not me, or that he spends all of his time with her now and I miss my friend.

I'm really sad.
I've considered purging multiple times this week. Most meals I barely eat anything. One of my campers started to notice this week. I was up and down getting food for my kids and I was asking if anyone wanted seconds on something, and she looked at me and said, "Yes, but only if you promise to sit down and eat after you get it."
It kind of made me want to cry.
I've cried myself to sleep several nights this summer.
I am pathetic.

Going on week 5

This coming Sunday marks the 5th week (of 7) of my summer at camp.

As of right now, I have lost about 38 lbs since April.
Which is not enough.



Feed me, Seymour.

Exhaustion.

I've dropped another five pounds, which makes it 25 total that I have lost since the end of May/beginning of April.
I've been restricting a lot this week, but not consciously. We're in our final days at the school, so my days have been filled with cleaning and organizing and throwing things away. Even at night, I have paperwork to fill out and things to make (I hand-wrote about 70 cards to my kids and staff in one night. Not mandatory, but something I knew I would feel bad about if I didn't do). I don't think I've had more than 4 hours of sleep each night this week, no naps during the day like usual... I can feel myself on the verge of getting sick. Is this what a full time job is like? (That question stems from the fact that I am only USUALLY allowed to work 32 hours, but for this week and next week, I'm clocking in well over 32. I believe it's 36 for this week, and a solid 40 for next week.
Part of it is my procrastination, but part of it is also that my boss only gave us our closing paperwork and assignments this past Monday, with eight days of school left.
Like, you gotta be fucking kidding me.


Anyway, today I had a total of 940 calories.
-1 protein bar (170)
-1 small watermelon Coolatta from Dunkin' (240)
-1 blueberry muffin from Dunkin' (460)
-1 low-fat cheese stick (70)


For the amount of food I actually ate, that is a ridiculously high number of calories.

I feel hungry, but nothing really seems appealing. Like, I can feel my stomach growling, I know that my body is hungry, but my brain says, "Nope, no food. None of that is what I want."
And that's the amphetamines talking.


But tomorrow night, I get to go to bed as early as I want, without any obligations! I am so thrilled, I can't wait. And if I get my work done early tomorrow, I may be able to take a nap before my second shift! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Confessions of a Cheese Addict

Have I ever told you all how much I love cheese? Baked, fried, plain, with crackers, on a sandwich, on pasta, etc.
I love cheese.

My mom found this sharp cheddar at the store that also has pieces of bacon in it. It is delicious.
A few years ago, my friend went to the Netherlands and smuggled back some of the most amazing cheese I've ever had. One was lavender cheese, and the other was coconut cheese. Fantastic.

There are 16 days left of the school year, 17 days left for me to work. My students aren't quite antsy yet, but I'm sure they will be within the next week or so. It's time to start wrapping up my life to move on to my next chapter.

It's kind of funny- if you had asked me in December if I would miss these kids, I would have told you, "HELL no." But now, it seems that we're all (mostly) at peace, and having a good time. There are a few of them that I will miss very dearly, but I think I can honestly say I will miss them all.



@Sammy, yeah, where I live it gets pretty cold, especially in the winter. My hometown was, at one point in time, the snow capital of the continental US. I wouldn't mind moving somewhere more temperate, but I don't think I could handle intense heat, especially without AC. I unfortunately don't have air conditioning in my house, due to the fact that my house was built in the early 1900s. My parents bought a window unit for their bedroom, back when my dad was in an accident and was mostly bedridden, but since his chemo and radiation last year, they haven't used it, because he still has a hard time regulating his body temp. I asked to put it in my room, but apparently it's too much of a hassle (insert annoyed face here).

@Bella, that's a really interesting connection about showers and EDs. I would love to see a post from you about your thoughts on that! Me personally, I just hate how much time it takes, and I hate my hair being wet.. I'd much rather be out doing stuff than wasting my life away in the shower!

@Niqi, I had a wonderful time kayaking in the sunshine! Thanks for your comment. :)