Chuggin'

I'm pretty much in the swing of things right now.
I still have the urge to binge (particularly today, because it was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad, day at work), but I'm not acting on it.
Probably because this whole program is so damn expensive, and insurance probably won't cover it.
(I'm too scared to call them to see if they will. Because the doctor's office doesn't take insurance, so they would need to reimburse me, which is a lot more difficult than going through the office. At least for me it is.)

Anyhoo, yeah, Sammy, it's a metric fuck-ton of protein, and I'm actually surprised I'm not hating it. I like how my body feels when it is properly nourished, but my mind will always crave the foods that make me feel shit.
As for the actual brand, I'm not entirely positive, but I believe it's only available through a doctor. It's called Optifast, and my doctor's office has their own protein bars that they sell as well. Those taste way better, but they don't have the same amount of nutrients (mainly potassium), so I can't supplement those for the Optifast.
I'm doing high protein shakes, which have 26g of protein each, and all of my protein bars are between 14-15g of protein per bar. My nutritionist gave me some recommendations for other high-protein things, there's apparently a whole bunch available at supermarkets and such, you just have to check the labels. Beef jerky is really high in protein, too, I'm gonna get that for my night time snacks next week, I think.

I also chug water on the reg. I'm supposed to have about 64oz each day, but I've been getting in upwards of 120oz. Which is probably way too much, but whatever.

I love you all, and I appreciate all of you who still take the time to read my blog. I know I haven't been very active as of the past few years, and it seems like our numbers are dwindling a lot. I hope that's a good thing. I hope those people have managed to move on from food controlling their lives, and are now happy and healthy in the sunshine. That's what I like to believe.

Day 5

Day 5 of my no-carb, high protein life.
@Sammy, I know you were worried about the no-carb leading to bingeing... Surprisingly it hasn't yet. I have cheated a little bit each day (because I'm an asshole), having like a berry or two, or a pretzel,  a couple jellybeans, but nothing binge-worthy, and most of the day I'm actually pretty full (get's a little hairy around dinner time, but that's because I hate waiting for food to cook hahah).

(All of the following information may be incorrect. I am not a dietician or nutritionist, this is just how I learned it)
The way my nutritionist explained it to me, is that per gram, carbs and protein have about the same amount of calories. The difference is in the way your body digests them. Carbs get digested really fast, spike your blood sugar, and give you a really quick energy boost. Protein, on the other hand, is a little more difficult for your body to digest, and is more of a steady energy burn throughout the day.
So I eat high protein (at least 125g a day), and it's working pretty well, to be honest. I mean, it is only Day 5, so I dunno.

The eating every 4 hours is pretty easy, especially during the day. I have two different flavor shakes and two different flavor protein bars. They don't taste FANTASTIC, but they're manageable. I also have different flavorings I can put in the shakes. My favorite is peppermint extract in my chocolate shake, it tastes exactly like Girl Scout Thin Mints.

So anyway, that's my life.

Stopped my birth control because it was wrecking my face with horrendous acne. Seven days later, no active breakouts. Fuck you, Nuvaring.

Carb-free

So I started my program with this weight loss doctor.

It's high-protein, no carb.
I do meal substitutions for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack (protein shakes and bars) and then for dinner, I have lean protein, veggies, and one serving of a healthy fat, like olive oil or some shit.
They have me at 1200 calories, to which the Restricting Me says, "No, that's way too much." Bingeing Me doesn't really care, because Bingeing Me avoids calorie counts like the plague.

But they ran tests and apparently my BMR is at 2500. Which is (according to them) really, really good. When the nurse saw that she said, "Wow, that's really great. This should be really easy for you!" I don't know how accurate that test is.

But I mean, yeah, fixing binge eating disorder. Super easy...

The PA I talked to said that if I was really struggling with the bingeing, they had a couple of different medications I could try. I'm down for that, but at the same time, I'm not. Because this is fucking embarrassing.

It's embarrassing to not have control over my own body and brain, to have to go to a doctor and say, "I need help. I can't control my eating."
Why is that so embarrassing? Why is that more embarrassing than admitting to a doctor that I used to cut myself? Or that I used to starve myself? Those confessions come right out. These new doctors are now the first doctors to learn about my disordered eating past, and that's a little scary.

Anyway, I've stayed up too late, so now I'm hungry again. So it's time to go to bed before I actually eat the whole kitchen.

No more baby steps.

On Wednesday of next week, I have two hours of health-testing. Blood work, weigh-in, measurements, the works.

I am starting a medical weight loss program.
I am nervous.
I am excited.
I am nervous.

That's about the time she walked away from me, nobody likes you when you're 23.

I'm fat.

I hate myself.

Happy birthday to me.

Over it.

I'm so over myself. I hate that I can't lose weight because I'm too busy stuffing my face. I hate that I have no motivation to exercise. I hate myself.


On the other hand, I finally cleaned my room. And I've kept it clean for a week (which is kind of a big deal for me).
Taking my Ritalin regularly helps. But I have to take it after my morning shift, otherwise I crash by 11AM. I want to talk to my doctor and try to switch to something that's a timed-release.

I started my grad school application last week, and I finished the financial aid form that I had to submit. Now onto my taxes... I'm still waiting on my W-2 from the place I was fired from last year. I only worked there in 2015 for like a month, but they're still required to send it to me... I have a feeling they won't send it. #illegal

I need to work on lesson plans, but I don't want to work on lesson plans.

Sense of Impending Doom

It feels like my world is crashing down, like everything is going wrong. Like nothing I do is right. My heart is racing, my head is spinning, I feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up or both and my hands are shaking.
It's hard to sleep.
It's not hard to eat but when is that ever a problem?


But nothing's wrong. There's no crisis, there's no problems. Everything is fine. It's stagnant. It's not moving.




I want to run away.