Off the Wagon

So I had a really shit week last week at work. I won't go into details because honestly
a) I'm sick of talking about it
and b) with the amount of backstory it would take up, it would take me like an hour to write about it.

But anyway... Monday-Thursday was pretty good, eating-wise. I did have one too many bowls of cereal Thursday night, but that's because I was high as fuck, so whatever.
On Friday night, I wanted pizza. And then I noticed that Pizza Hut had a deal. $5 each for two or more of certain items. So I got a medium pizza, double order of breadsticks, and giant chocolate chip cookie.
It was delicious.
It also made my face break out pretty bad.

So I'm trying to get back on track again. There's no binge food in the house, and my parents are home again, which prevents me from eating whatever I want.
The dairy free was pretty nice though. Like, obviously it's pretty hard, because my mom eats cheese by the barrel and my dad uses whole milk for his smoothies (he's trying to gain weight, it's a long story), so I'm constantly surrounded by delicious things. Whatever. Soon enough I will be back in school and living in an apartment.

New Year, Same Shit.

Hi.
It's been awhile.

So, I'm currently awake 3 hours past my bedtime, because instead of being productive today, I slept from 10am to 2pm...
Great job.


I'm currently on a meal plan of my own creation. It's about 1,000-1,200 calories a day, mainly focusing on dairy-free. I don't remember if I've talked about it here, but one thing I've noticed over the years is that my acne flares up HORRIBLY when I eat dairy, and especially when I drink milk. It's not usually a problem if I eat things that have dairy in them, but I've never been one for moderation in my life.

I'll write some more tomorrow. I miss blogging.

Things I Don't Understand: Getting back with your ex

It seems to be a common theme lately with any/all guys I've been ... Well, fucking. Okay there's only two of them. But still.

They keep going back to their goddamn ex-girlfriends. One of them, his ex is the reason he went to jail in the first place. The other one has broken up and gotten back with his ex so many times I couldn't even tell you how many. That's how many.


Maybe I'm a bridge-burner, but once you're my ex, that means we're done. Forever. And I'm probably not going to want to associate with you again. Ever.
Granted, at this point in my life I have a total of one ex-boyfriend (who, by the way, randomly blocked me on Facebook this weekend).


I don't get people.
You already made that mistake. Stop fucking making it.







Plus I'm better than your ex anyway.

1 year, 10 months

As of tomorrow, I will be 1 year and 10 months purge-free.
(Not counting when I actually needed to throw up, like if I drank too much, which happens way to often, or if I had stomach flu or something)


It's weird to think about.
Sometimes I still get the urge to, like when I got pizza last Friday night for dinner.
I was thinking about it and thinking about it, like.. Wow this pizza makes me feel awful, but it tastes so good. I could easily just throw it up when I get home.

What stops me every time is that thought that it isn't just a one time thing. It's a compulsion. Once I start, everything has to be purged or it's no good.


Anyway, I'm trying to be healthy and shit. Like 1,500 calories a day or less.
It's hard.
I love sugar. And chocolate. And pizza.
But to be honest with you, after the first couple of bites, it never really tastes that great.
But I have to finish it all, so I might as well just not start

I've been doing yoga a lot. I found this really cool app that was like $4, and it has all these yoga classes on it. Everything from beginner 15 minute classes to super advanced expert classes. It's super calming and I like it. Maybe I told you guys about that already. Maybe not.

I have these two pairs of jeans that I want to be able to wear by the new year. They're not THAT small, but they're small enough that they're super uncomfortable. And I think like minus ten or fifteen pounds and they would fit alright. At least enough that I could wear them to stretch them out a bit.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But whatever.

Reasons You Should Not Fuck Your Drug Dealer

1. Because free drugs aren't worth feeling like shit after.
2. Because he'll always care about his ex-girlfriend more than you.
3. Because he always has to be right, which means you'll always be crazy.
4. Because you might actually catch feelings, which he'll never return.
5. Because he isn't actually good looking.
6. Or good in bed.
7. Or a good human being.
8. Or nice.
9. He's just a jerk looking for something to stick his dick in.

I am in a void.

I feel incomplete.

I eat and it doesn't fill me up.
I sleep and it doesn't make me less tired.

Human interaction is the most exhausting part of my day.
My Ritalin barely helps anymore.




My doctor thinks I need to go see a counselor, that I have warning signs of depression.
When did they start screening for depression at the doctor's office?
It must be new.



It's unseasonably warm here. I live in a place that typically gets record amounts of snow per year. So far we've only had it one day.
I can remember years where it started snowing in the beginning of October and didn't stop until the end of May.


But there's no snow.
It's 50 degrees out. Fahrenheit.
I don't know what to do.

Puzzle Pieces.

Have you ever known someone who was like an extension of yourself? Your real self, not the many facets of your soul that you show to the world. When we met, it was like cars colliding on a busy highway, and after long nights of drinks and drugs and sex, there came a peaceful time of movies and cats and soda. We moved to the same rhythm, worked to the same tune. Our souls were puzzle pieces, and we fit somehow. I don’t know who noticed it first. But we were both scared. Scared of each other but I think scared of ourselves and how could any one person be so easy to talk to? I was willing to dive. Willing but hesitant, because you, worldly and jaded, made the rules. And you, jaded and weary cut the ties. I thought I would never again be able to trust my feelings about people. How could I have thought that someone like you could fit with someone like me? Only now I realize our souls are puzzle pieces, perfectly matched in shape and size but unfortunately not in color or design.