My judgmental ass roommate and her ugly ass boyfriend...

Are the only reason I'm not stuffing my face with Dominos right now.

I'm going to go get a granola bar.

It's time.

It's time to stop fucking around and eating shit and being fat.
It's time to start being skinny.

Today I'm getting off my ass and not eating and hopping on the train to Skinnyville.



The guy I really like is in love with my Big.
My Big is gorgeous and skinny and fantastic and outgoing and everything that I'm not.



I just want to starve until I don't exist anymore.

On stomach flu and Thanksgiving.

I always make jokes about how Thanksgiving is the most depressing holiday for vegetarians.

It totally is.
Because I don't know about you other vegetarians (for those of you who are) but for me... Turkey cooking in the oven all day smells... wow.

On a brighter note, yesterday I was in bed all day. Puking, mostly, with a fever of 101.5. I couldn't even keep water down for a majority of the day. It was possibly one of the worst experiences I've had in quite some time. But I lost five pounds of water weight from that ordeal.

Look for the silver lining.

I hate myself.

So much.

Shit.

I feel like shit, I look like shit, I am one large, stinky piece of shit.

The guy I think is really cute I'm pretty sure has a huge crush on his really good friend who is absolutely gorgeous and has a boyfriend. So. That's that.

Relevancy.

It really makes me happy that people are still finding my blog and enjoying it and finding me relevant. I personally don't think anything I write has much merit, seeing as I am ridiculously fat, but you all will like what you like, I suppose. ;)

Turns out that why I haven't been eating lately is a nice, lovely case of mononucleosis. Oh, and strep.
Pledging is really sucking right now. We're getting into "Hell Week," which is the last few weeks where everything just starts hardcore sucking

On mental conditions and mac and cheese.

Right now, at this moment, I am in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in. I'd say it's approximate to the height of my eating issues in my junior year of high school. I'm terrified to leave my room, even more terrified to go to the dining hall or the library (where I'm required to go), because I'm scared I'm going to mess something up in my pledging process. I'm terrified of people generally, and this process is literally eating me from the inside out. I can't stand thinking that I did something wrong, I hate doing things wrong. Any little thing I can't do, or don't do correctly makes me want to vomit.
I ate my first full meal in the dining hall today, and I actually ate food. Mac n cheese, a brownie, and maybe a quarter of an ice cream cone. I was so full after the first couple bites, but I had to eat a little more. I had an almost-grey-out in ballet yesterday and it was terrifying. I can't be passing out when I'm still so fat.
I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Last I knew I was about ten pounds lower than the beginning of this summer. I hope I lost weight this week.

It makes me really sad how much support my roommate's boyfriend gives her. I'm really jealous. I don't have anyone like that in my life. I don't ave anyone that I can legitimately be emotional in front of.  I don't think I'll ever find someone that I can be emotional in front of.
I really want someone.
Maybe because I want it so bad, that's why I can't get it.