Friends.

I was in the car with my best stoner friend, and we were talking. And somehow we got talking about personal issues.
I told her about how I starved myself down 30 pounds, then how I started purging, and she told me about her suicide attempts.

She told me that she'd never been able to purge, and that she was a little jealous, because she doesn't have a gag reflex.


That made me feel superior in some sick way.

I feel absolutely disgusting. Lots of swear words.

I purged twice today, and the purge-hangover has officially commenced. I had one yesterday too. And all I want to do is go to sleep and wake up lighter but I have a fucking reflection to write about the show I was in. WHY DO I HAVE TO RELFECT? WASN'T EIGHT SHOWS ENOUGH FUCKING WORK?

Guess not. Nothing I ever do is enough.
Down to 187.something as of ten minutes ago.
Woke up at 189.4.

Fucking water weight that I lose purging.

Candy cane vomit...

Is not as fun as it sounds.
Because little bits of candy cane are still in your stomach and haven't dissolved. They come up a little scratchy, but that's not the bad part.
The bad part is having to reach in the toilet to scrape off those bits because they stuck to the bottom of the bowl, and you can't just leave it there, because then your cover is blown, because you're the only one on the floor with those little multicolored cherry candy canes.

Not to mention your roommate just watched you eat the whole box.

Feeling better.

A lot of people I follow have been blogging about recent suicide attempts.
And it's so painful to see people I care about (even though I'm very bad about commenting) hurt so badly. And I want to say something deep and meaningful here, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm usually this way about emotional things.
So pretend I said something meaningful that made you cry.

On a brighter note, if I can refrain from eating until I go to sleep, I'll be at 500 calories for the day. Still too much.


Also, the girl who constantly talks about her eating disorder just tweeted this:
"Just got 40 chicken nuggets, 2 medium fries, and 2 root beers. #ohmygod #illnevereatagain"


You're ridiculous, miss.

Sometimes your apathy hits a point you can't control.


And you start to feel again.

I'm working on it.

So this weekend, I was really horny.
Friday, my camp friends and I went to my camp on the same lake to party. I got really a little bit drunk (mango vodka equals delicious). And this guy that I work at camp with (who I hooked up with twice over the summer) was also really a little bit drunk. And so we proceeded to hook up again. And this time, because I've decided to be entirely apathetic about everything, it was really fucking fun. I gave my first ever blowjob. Which wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. And as we're making out, before I even sucked his dick, he goes does my neck and chest and tummy (ew, but whatever), and a little bit further, and he whispers "Do you want me to eat you out?"

UM, FUCK YEAH I DO. Whenever a guy offers to eat you out, that's how you know he's a keeper, whether it's as a boyfriend or a husband or just a fuck buddy like I've decided me and him are gonna be.

But I had to say no, because of my fucking bleeding vagina.
But never fear: I'm having another party over winter break. And I got some nice colorful condoms for free from my dorm bathroom (gotta love college). I think I'll use the green one. It's cute. :)

So I'm doing my best to eat as little as possible before break (December 15). I want to be like... 170ish? I woke up today at 189, in clothes. I think I can do it. I think I've been retaining a lot of water lately, so maybe it'll go quick. It all depends on my not stuffing food into my mouth, which I think can easily be accomplished.

I want to have the party and have my friends look at me and say, "Have you lost weight?"



Also, my new fuck buddy's girlfriend is about 100 pounds.
I don't really understand why he's into me at all.

I ate pepperoni today.

Vegetarian?

But I threw it up.
So that's alright.