Still around

    I am still processing a bit right now. I lost an old friend a few weeks ago to a car accident. We hadn't spoken in a long time, but she was actually one of my campers from my first years as a camp counselor, and I watched her grow up at camp. She was only 23. 

    Since August, I have lost about 10lbs through my nutritionist's plan for me. It's frustrating because the insidious disordered eating part of me is constantly whispering that things are moving too slowly. And to be fair, they are (mostly because of me). I had a monstrous four-day food and alcohol binge this past weekend visiting friends, which is probably the only slightly acceptable excuse. I spent $75 on vegetables and healthy food for this week in an attempt to make up for it... We'll see how that goes.

    I'm also currently working on a baby blanket for another friend of mine who has a shower coming up. I'm praying that I won't run out of the yarn I'm using again, because they only had one skein of it when I last went to the store. It's going to be grey granny squares with a white border and it will have little pink flowers decorating it. Maybe I'll take a picture once it's done, but I have to... you know, finish it first. And then get started on a new one, since I have more friends trying to get pregnant now.

    Overall, my life is not particularly interesting these days. There's no boy drama (because I'm fat and unattractive, mainly), there's no friend drama (because we're all adults and don't start shit anymore), there's no work drama (because my job is amazing and I would die before leaving it)... 

    I'm currently 27 years old, turning 28 in February. I started blogging at 16. I am... ridiculously fat right now. I'm making a goal for myself that I will be back to a healthy weight/"normal" weight BMI by 30 years old. I want to run again (but I can't, because my knees ache). I want to go backpacking again (knees). I want to be able to sleep in my hammock without having to stress about not being compliant with my CPAP (that one isn't a weight thing, it's an overbite thing, but still). I want to have energy and I want to find someone to be with for the rest of my life. 

    Being alone is exhausting. 

Moving forward

I've written, deleted, and rewritten this post about a dozen times now. I'll be honest - I did not really expect to get replies of any kind on my last post. It was especially crazy to hear from Anne! Hi Anne! It's been a really long time since I've heard from you, I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you. Keep an eye out for an email from me <3

It's taken me so long to write this. I've been stuck on what Bella said - my last post would have been a great way to end things. But I'm bad at goodbyes, and things... aren't over.

Some recent updates to my life:

-I just celebrated one year at my current job and in my current apartment, which has given me the time and extra money to take care of myself a little better than usual.

-I'm currently working with a nutritionist in an effort to start to repair my relationship with food. Right now I am trying to relearn hunger cues.

-I have a goal to write a novel at some point. Right now, I'm just working in finishing this blanket that I started crocheting over a year ago (it got lost in the move).

I've been a little overwhelmed thinking about writing a novel. It's something I always wanted to do, but never had the drive or motivation to accomplish. I've been toying with the idea of taking my old blog posts and editing them into a novel. There's certainly enough material there. But I wonder - is it a cheap, lazy cop out to do that? And also... Would it even be something that publishers would consider worth reading?

(Probably not, unless I turned the ending into some cheap "I learned to love myself and now everything is all better" self-help bullshit)

Life marches on, whether we're ready or not. 

Did it again

Missed my anniversary again. Have not been making good food choices lately, but I am 6 years free of purging.


It's been a long time since I've used Blogger regularly. It feels very different now.


When I first started blogging, on my original blog (not this one), I was 16 years old. It was 2009. I was scared and lonely and felt like I had no one.
On Blogger, I found a community of broken people, full of problems and mistakes, where we all fit together perfectly. The summer after I started my blog, I started work at a summer camp that became my home. I met people who changed my life, who accepted me as I was and taught me valuable lessons. Probably the most valuable lessons took me many years to accept, and sometimes I still doubt the truth of it. I worked there full-time for seven years, and still go back on a regular basis to help out and visit the place and the people I love.


I am worthy of love, even if I still struggle to love myself.
I am appreciated by my friends and family, even if they don't speak the words aloud.
I am here on Earth, living a life, and I like the general direction I'm in, even if some of the specifics aren't ideal.



Since my first blog post in 2009, I have done so much. I graduated from high school, then college. I went to grad school and got my Master's Degree. I have a full time job with the government now (pot-smoking, been-arrested-once, constantly-finding-trouble me - can you believe it??). I know that I am not healthy. I've gained a lot of weight (16-year-old me would be appalled), but I've made peace with the fact that getting back to a healthy weight will take time. I know that I will never have the body I always wanted, the tinyslim, flat stomached, thigh-gapped perfection that haunted my sketchbooks. But the body that I have has literally carried me over mountains. And that is something to remind myself of when I'm feeling bad that my pants won't button.



This may be my last blog post, and it may not. I feel like I come on here once a year or so to check on everyone. I don't know how many (if any) of you are still out there. Things are crazy in the world right now. But I love you, and I hope you are safe.



Love,
Charlie

I always miss my anniversary

But as of February 8, 2019, I am 5 years without purging.


There have been a few times that I've seriously considered it in the past five years. One was this past weekend, when I had to call 911 on a suicidal friend (who now hates me, so that's great). But I didn't purge, so I guess that's okay.

Inspirational words

"I am the one thing in life I can control, I am inimitable, I am an original."


I've spent a long time hating myself and doing things to myself that make me hate myself even more. I am back on the Keto wagon (for now), and I am currently tapering off of my Adderall for a non-stimulant ADHD treatment (Wellbutrin). We'll see how it goes.
Every time I get one of these new medications, the doctors always say, "Well one of the side effects is typically weight loss" and to that I laugh and say (in my head), "You underestimate my bingeing abilities."

Overall life is uninteresting right now. I am not particularly social as I do not like how I look, which means it's been a lot of sleeping and working and binge-watching Netflix. I opened at work today at 5AM, so I want to take a nap right now but my room is so cold it's impossible, so I'm sitting in the kitchen.

Nothing sounds particularly appetizing to me right now besides a Mocha Frappe from McDonald's (which I can't have). It's like 900 calories and 95g carbs and so delicious but not worth it. I got addicted to them over the summer (got one almost every morning on my way to work), but I can't afford that life anymore. Weight-wise or money-wise.


Maybe I'll dig my heated blanket out of storage.

This week's wins and setbacks

I honestly don't even remember the last time I updated this blog, but I miss it, and all you lovely people.
I say that a lot I guess.
Quick recap of the past couple of months:
-Real fat
-Got personal trainer
-Started keto diet (very low carb, high protein, high fat)
-Enjoy keto diet, but enjoy candy and ice cream more
-Two more sessions with trainer before camp
-Have not lost weight but clothes fit a little better.

And so we get to today:

Most of the past week I was entirely in a fog. I forgot to refill my ADHD medication, and kind of turn into less than a person when I don't take it for an extended period of time. I definitely did not follow my keto diet like I should have this week, because I lose a lot of impulse control off my meds and have a tendency to fixate on things like food. Which, now that I'm writing it, feels like a really shitty excuse for having no impulse control. I guess ultimately I really dislike needing medication to feel like a whole human.

I ended up getting in a pretty big fight with my mother, because she's convinced that I am depressed and need to get in to see a therapist. I, however, do not believe that I am depressed. Do I have a lot of other issues that would warrant a visit to a therapist? Absolutely. I was walking around Target, on the phone with her, while we had this conversation, where she absolutely cannot admit that the only reason my dad "cares" is because he doesn't want a fat daughter. He hates the fact that I'm less than perfect, probably because I remind him of the worst parts of himself. I had a rough day at work, forgot to bring food for snack and dinner, and all I wanted was chocolate. So there I am, wandering around the candy aisle, arguing with my mother. She asked if I was driving home, and I told her no, I'm wandering in Target. She immediately got the "I know you're about to make bad money and bad food decisions" tone that she has perfected over the years. Honestly, all I wanted to do was prove her right. Instead, I went to a different aisle, grabbed a protein snack (which is probably still not on the diet, because it has deli-type ham, but is a better option than a bag full of mini-Snickers) and two mozzarella cheese sticks. Confession: I did also get a candy bar on my way to the register.

One of the things my trainer wants me to be doing is working through my emotions without food. I'm trying. It's... a struggle. I ate the candy bar on the drive home and realized that while I did feel better after eating it, it wasn't a satisfied better. It was numb and emotionless. I was a void, a black hole, sucking down sugar and calories in an effort to fill the gaps in my soul.

I mean, my fat ass still ate the candy bar. But at least I didn't binge?

I want to eat everything.

Ice cream. Chips. Cheese. Chicken nuggets. Candy. Chocolate. Peanut butter. Popcorn. Cereal. Popsicles. Milk. Butter. Pizza.


I want to eat everything inside of this house and then roar and swish my lizard tail and eat everything in the closest grocery store.