I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of trying to explain myself to people.
I'm tired of having to explain.
I'm tired of eating.
I'm tired of starving.
I'm tired of purging.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of sleeping.

I'm tired of breathing.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

I'm really not okay right now.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. Everyone sucks.

I have this awful friend.

She knows about my issues with eating.
I TOLD HER.
She knows everything from the bingeing to the starving to the purging.

She knows she's thinner than me, that more guys want her than me, that when we're together no one even looks at me. They only look at her and her giant tits.
And all she talks about now is how she "needs to lose five pounds before her next photoshoot," because people made mean comments about one of her sets.
People. On. The. Internet.
Who have no real basis in real life.

Not only that, as we're eating dinner she goes, "I'm like obsessed with my collarbones..." And starts like pushing them out. "Like, on the pro-anorexia tumblrs, because I had to do research for a project," (UM BULLSHIT YOU DID, FUCKING CUNT.) "I see girls with their collarbones out and I laugh because I'm fatter than them and I have better collarbones."


And she really wonders why I never hang out with her anymore.

I need to get a bid.

One of my friends is mad at me because I haven't been able to hang out with her this past week due to Rush.

If I don't get a bid, she's going to be so mean. I know it. I need to get a bid so I can just say "Fuck you."

Rush Week.

Rush week so far (yeah, it's 4 A.M. Wednesday morning... We aren't even halfway through yet!) has been absolutely amazing. I had my second informal party tonight, with the sorority that, from the very first day, I have been in love with. It exceeded my expectations and more. I had some really great conversations, and the girls are just so nice. I'm going to visit one of them who lives on campus and has a basset hound tomorrow! I'm so jittery now though, I'm really nervous. I want a bid from these girls so bad, I even know who I would want as my big. I have one more sorority to visit tomorrow, and then it gets scary. From there, we go to preference parties.
Well, we hopefully go to the pref parties. These parties are invite-only, with a greatly decreased number of rushees attending. Even just getting one pref party invite would make my week. But I really want an invitation from these girls. I really want a bid from these girls. I'm so afraid to say it out loud, I'm afraid I'll jinx it. I know I just did by posting this. Goddammit.

Third night in a row...

Drunk off my ass.
Still have crazy assloads of work to do.


I'm running on pure adrenaline right now.
I live Rush Week.
(That was meant to say "I love Rush Week", but I mistyped it as "live", and I felt it suited it better.)


Down four pounds so far this week. There's something to be said about being busy.

I have not been good.

Oh, no.
I haven't.

I'm still a little drunk.
And I've purged 6 times in the past two days.
Dear Lord.




Good night.

Binged like an asshole today.

It was super cute.

Saw the guy I was talking about in my last post. Said hi.

He didn't even have the courtesy to say hi back, just gave me that stupid little nod that guys do.
I'm done.

Someone let me know when people are done being fucking assholes.

I didn't follow through completely on the eating today.
But I restricted more than I have in a long time.

So I consider it relative success. Now it's time for bed.


Also, there's this guy that I think is really cute who lives in my building. And I thought he was nice, but I've introduced myself five times and the kid still doesn't know my name. I always say hi to him and use his name and smile. All I ever get is a "Hey." No smile.
My friends and I were hanging out in my hallway and we were talking about the new hot transfer students that we now have, and one of my best friends mentions how she saw him today. Another girl that I don't really talk to that much asked us who we were talking about, so we described him to her. She looks at me and says, "Ohh, I know who you're talking about. You two would be so cute together!"
To which I responded, "Uh, no. He hates me. Can't even remember my name."
She threatened to go bang on his door and yell at him for not remembering the name of a "beautiful girl."

All I can think about is how he's so far out of my league and how fat I am.

It's hard being the fattest girl in ballet class.

What's even worse is the fact that I actually have better technique than most of them.
I think, anyway. My teacher complimented me more than anyone, but that could've been because I was the only one she hadn't had in class before.
I'm still in my leotard. I haven't eaten lunch (an orange) yet. So far today I've had one cup of orange juice, and one cup of coffee (black). I went for a run this morning. I'm out of shape. What else is new.

Thank you for your comments. They really help me get through the day. Stay strong, lovelies. <3

So gross.

I had a whole cheesy bread tonight. Along with lava cakes. From Dominos.

This is what my life has become.


I'm starting the chemical diet again tomorrow. I tried it two years ago, and it worked really well for the time that I had the willpower to keep it up.
Bed early so I can wake up at seven to run.

(For those of you who might be interested, I did a post on the chemical diet on my old blog. You can find it by clicking on this sentence.)

Well.

I've been trying to cut back on my intake these past couple days. It hasn't been working too well. On the bright side, I didn't eat a whole Dominos cheesy bread last night like usual... I split one with my friend who I was staying with.
@Lost in Space; I think I'll post a picture of it here, in this post. :) I love my hair so much right now. Yes, haha, another Tumblr. This one is specifically for my weight loss though, none of these namby-pamby life stories. Hell, it's me, it'll probably turn into that. :)
@Zette; Okay... I guess I will. :) But no promises, haha!


So, as I said, here's my hair:

It's not the best picture, my hair's actually a little bit brighter than that. Sorry for my fat face. I edited it a bit so y'all don't have to look at how bad I'm breaking out right now.

I have to go eat birthday cake now. Stay strong, beautiful ladies. <3

A change.

I no longer have long, dirty blonde Rapunzel-hair. The daughter of my assistant camp director was obsessed with me last summer because of my hair, and because she loves Rapunzel.
It's still long. But now it's Ariel-red.
I love it.

Along with my hair-change, starting next week (as in Sunday), I'm beginning my effort to get back to restricting and working out (I say Sunday because tomorrow evening I'm visiting a friend at her college, and man, shit gets crazy at this college).
Ironically, the last time I was intensely restricting, I was also a redhead.
I'm a big believer in fate.


I was very scared to dye my hair. I wasn't entirely sure why, but I figured it out. For those who care, read on, for those who don't, skip to the next paragraph. When I first started camp, I was blonde. Camp helped me in a way that nothing else ever has. I was not mentally stable at all. I was coming off of six months of intense restricting and weightloss, and I found a safe haven where everyone liked me for ME, not because I had lost weight and was "doing/looking/whatever great". I think the long blonde hair became a security blanket for me. I was terrified to do anything, lest it change me back into Crazyperson McGee. Now that I've dyed it, I feel powerful. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can lose forty pounds in three months.

Right now I'm making Skittles vodka. It's delicious. I wish I knew exactly how many calories were in it.
I think I'm going to start a new blog too, on Tumblr, to document my progress. What do you guys think?

Stay strong, beautiful girls. I know you are.

Rush.

I really want to rush one of the sororities on my campus.

But we all know there's no reason I would get a bid... So what's the point?

Compromised immune systems are rather debilitating.

Mindfuck.

I have a friend who flirts with me over Facebook and texting.
I know he's not interested.
He knows I'm not interested.

So why does he do it?


I'm convinced it's because I'm the only person (girl?) in his life who challenges him and calls him out on his bullshit in a sister/brother way.
Does that make sense?


In other news, I'm perpetually single.
Also, I'm a terrible bitch and no one should ever love me.